It's Not Goodbye
by Grissom1
Summary: GSR After Sara's departure, Grissom tries to comes to terms with his feelings as well as the reaction of the team. This is what I would like to happen on the show. My AU and my control!
1. Chapter 1

**It's not Goodbye**

She had never kissed him at work. They had rarely touched and yet she had purposely sought him out and kissed him in front of Hodges and the others without caring who might see the longing and the need poured into that single kiss. It would be her last and she knew it. She held nothing back when her lips met his needing to feel him just once more before she stepped out of the lab and out of their life.

With each step she felt the pieces of her past mingle with the present. The pieces were sharp and jagged cutting her with each step she made toward the door. She counted every step that led her away from him. There were thirty four. It was a distraction of sorts much like she had done that day in the desert. She opened the door of the taxi and slipped into the back seat.

She had done it.

She had left.

She rolled down the window and gulped in the air. The small gulps would soon be sobs as she told herself she had done the right thing. When she arrived at the townhouse, the second part of the plan was already waiting for her. The car was packed with her suitcase and a few treasures she could not seem to leave behind. The treasures consisted of photos. There was the photo of Grissom sitting at his desk with his book of poetry. There was also the photo of Hank taken one afternoon in the park. Her most prized possession was a photo of them that had been taken on a weekend excursion.

She swallowed hard and then took the final step closing the door of the townhouse after placing the final things into the car. As she looked in the rearview mirror she saw the lights of Vegas and felt as if she would not be back.

It was final.

It was done.

It was over.

Her heart sank.

The kiss had unnerved him. He stood there and watched as she walked away not knowing that she would be gone in a few minutes. A strange sensation came over him and he longed to find her and ask her once more if she was okay. His single objective at that moment was her.

He told himself she would be just around the corner. She rarely left without telling him but these days she had been forgetting to do things and he wondered if it was just one of those times. He would go home and find her but then he remembered no one was ever home these days. When he was at work she was there. When she was at the lab he was at home. It was an endless cycle that somehow began that neither wanted but it had become their life.

There had been times in the last few months where they had felt like strangers and yet they shared the same house and even the same bed. Days would lapse before they would see one another. Their communication became notes. It was simple one or two sentences but it kept a line open between them. The fridge became their source of contact with one another as they missed one another coming and going between the different shifts. When the notes began to pile up he realized that either she was too tired to notice them on the fridge or that she did not eat when she came home.

After checking the contents of the fridge he told himself she was either not eating or getting something before she came home. As the weight dropped, he knew the answer to that question. He considered leaving the notes on the bed but knew that sleep was becoming an issue as well. She had gone through periods like this before. It had taken him months to notice but then they were not a couple during that time and he reconciled his conscious by telling himself he did not have her in the same house so he could notice the subtle changes and warn her. There were no excuses this time. She was there in his house and in his bed.

He began leaving the notes on the door knowing that she could not leave without seeing them. It seemed to work but as the things were left undone she found herself apologizing all the time blaming herself for not doing the simplest of tasks. They meant nothing to him. He could easily do it himself. It was just a means of communicating with her, to let her know they still lived together in the same house and functioned as one but now he found himself withholding the notes because he did not want to receive another apology.

He wasn't prepared for the note she left with Judy. He thought it was a grocery list or a few lines telling him she was sorry for yelling at him earlier. Her apologies had reached an all time high. She would promise to pick up dry cleaning but it would still be there the next day. The grocery list became a wish list. Hank was the one task she did. She walked him and fed him and watered him and cried on him. Hank was there when he was not.

She wore her melancholy like a shroud. He could feel it when he held her and yet he said nothing, not sure how to make things right. He handled it by avoiding it. He blamed it on the case but she blamed herself. In the end he would blame himself. He knew she was in trouble the moment he found the sleeping pills. They were there in plain view in the medicine cabinet. He had opened the cabinet one day and there they were. They were prescription sleeping pills which meant she had seen someone but he had no further information and he did not seek it out. The pills left the medicine cabinet and found their way to the kitchen counter. Looking back now, he wondered if she displayed them as a call for help especially when the contents disappeared but the sleep deprivation continued.

He left her alone to work things out. It was what she did. It was what he did. He had been good at avoidance especially when it came to humans and emotions. It was part of the reason he sought solitude. He dealt with others by not dealing at all. He was a master in his field but the body had to be dead before he could work his magic. It was the living that baffled him. He had lived a life as a recluse not by choice but by nature. At least it had been that way for years until he met Sara Sidle.

She had turned his life upside down with just a single smile. He had been hooked the moment he had seen her. He had been intrigued the moment her intellect matched his. He had fallen helplessly for her the moment she gave him a glimpse of what was there for the taking if he would only try. He did try. For years he tried and tried. He had finally accepted what she offered and it had been worth the risk. Now, the past threatened their existence and he watched as she struggled to work things out on her own. She was a recluse when it came to that not wishing to share her inner most demons.

He told himself she had done it for years and now was no different despite the fact that she had recently been abducted and left to die in the desert. There was the small matter of the change in shifts. She had worked graveyard ever since she came to Vegas and suddenly was forced to work another shift placing more pressure on her to adjust to yet another change. She was forced from the darkness into the light and she was not prepared for that. The darkness placed a different light on death. Now it was in plain view and it taunted her even more.

He had offered to make the change even though he wasn't sure he would have been able to after working so many years at night but then she had removed that problem by insisting to make the move rather than taking him away from the unit he had grown to consider as family whether he would admit it or not. She felt it was a small price to pay for loving Gil Grissom.

The change however took her from the others and she missed them. Her absence was felt by all of them as they slowly tried to deal with the changes in their own way. He thought she would handle it because Sara was strong. She was much stronger than he would ever be and he had told her that once while they lay in bed. She had said nothing and he took the silence to mean that he was right. He was wrong.

He opened the letter and felt his world imploding as he read it again and again. He glanced at it once more before sitting down in his chair and told himself this could not be happening. The letter described the Sara he had failed to see until that night. Her desperation, the haunting eyes and the mournful expression told him she was burning out but it was too late. He could say it was just burnout but they both knew there was something more.

There had always been more that she kept hidden deep down until now. He sat there now holding the letter and wondered what he was supposed to do. She would be long gone by now. He could follow the evidence. He could track her. It was what he did best, finding those that did not wish to be found. He could start with the letter and then the crime scene, the townhouse. He was sure to find something there.

_An almost empty prescription bottle…_

_Countless unread messages…_

_A slightly slept in bed…_

_A box of Kleenex that was almost empty…_

_Uneaten vegetarian food…_

There was a tap on the door as Nick stood there holding up her name tag he had found in the trash can. To Grissom it meant another piece of the horrid tale but to Nick he wondered if they had gotten married and Sara was now sporting her new name, Grissom. The look on his face made Nick back away. It was soon replaced with Brass as he came inside and shut the door.

"Nick said he was worried about you," he said.

Grissom said nothing.

Brass came closer to the desk and scowled when there was another knock at the door. It was Ronnie. She held up the jacket and Grissom recognized the handwriting on the make shift name tag as Sara's. She was asked to leave by Brass as he shut the door once more and looked at his friend.

"Where's Sara?" he asked.

"I don't know," said Grissom.

"Did she quit?" he asked.

"I don't know," replied Grissom.

"Gil?"

He turned and looked at Brass.

"Is she in trouble?" asked Brass.

"Yes….yes she is."

He uttered those words and yet he still did nothing. He sat there with note in hand and for once in his life he could not think. There was not a single rational thought. Brass could sense the shock and he waited a few minutes before offering assistance. He wanted to take immediate action but Grissom did not. Brass had wanted to put out an APB but he refused citing that there was no reason.

She had left.

She had left a note.

She had said goodbye.

He fielded questions from his staff giving little information as he tried to go on as if nothing had happened but it did. Sara was gone. He forced his lungs to take in air despite the urge to stop breathing. None of it made sense and yet every action made sense at that moment. He cursed at himself for not seeing the obvious. She had been struggling for months and he had done nothing to try to help except pretend that everything was fine.

It wasn't.

She wasn't.

He wasn't.

He knew it and now everyone knew.

He found himself drowning in guilt and he knew that soon the others would point the finger as well. He had let this happen. He had done this. As the news slowly spread throughout the lab, the whispers and the sadness enveloped the entire unit. There was a sense of mourning. They had been successful at finding her in the desert and rescuing her only to lose her anyway.

It wasn't fair.

He needed her.

They needed her.

She had slowly immersed herself into their lives letting them lean on her when the time arose and now that she was gone they felt the absence and it was unpleasant. There would no longer be that person who would sit there and listen. Sara was their listener. She had been for years. She comforted them when things got rough but never felt the desire for the same to be reciprocated.

He kept to himself the first twenty four hours as he drifted from one shift to another thankful for the double that would keep his mind busy. He focused on the job as he looked for fingerprints on a door.

_I left messages on the door but missed the writing on the wall…_

There were dark blotches on the floor and he tested it for blood.

_Lost weight, dark circles, prescribed medication….._

He stood there and stared at the body.

_Post traumatic syndrome….depression….shit…._

He slipped hair, fibers and dirt into each evidence packet.

_She's alone…I'm alone….she's alone…I'm alone…shit…_

He slowly made his way across the floor on his knees collecting evidence.

_Her leaving has brought me to my knees just like I thought it would if she ever left…_

He swallowed hardtrying to catch his breath with each piece of evidence he was forced to face. He stared at the body once more.

_We meet people on the worst day of their lives…._

_This is mine…_

He felt their eyes on him and he knew he should be the one to set the example as he swiped his brow, his eyes and gulped through the mess. His life was a mess. He was not used to messes.

_A place for everything and everything in its place…._

He was a scientist. Scientist needed organization and without organization, chaos was certain. His life was now in a chaotic state as he struggled to maintain his balance once more. He knew they were expecting him to do something. He did. He went on with his routine. It was necessary if he hoped to survive himself but now as he stood collecting his kit for the first time in his life he did not know how to exist anymore.

When the job was done, he returned to the lab and focused on paperwork but then there was the questions from others as to Sara's whereabouts and he had no answers.

He wanted answers.

He needed them.

He needed them more than the others.

He loved her.

She was the only person he had ever loved and now she was gone.

He felt empty and it hurt.

He expected to hear from her when he came home. He checked the messages on the phone and found there were several from the others but none from her. He checked his messages on his cell phone and found several left there months ago but none from her. As he fed the dog and grabbed his medicine he had hoped she would have left an email but once again he found none. There was no contact.

_No note on the door…_

_No note on the fridge…_

_Nothing…_

He pulled out the letter placing it on the counter and stared at it.

_Goodbye…_

He could understand every word she had written except that single word. It made him angry. She had never uttered those words to him before. He had never expected to hear those words come from her lips. It was the reason he had proposed. For years she had waited patiently for him to trust her and over time he did. She showed him that there was very little that he could do that she could or would not forgive.

He had been cruel at times.

He knew it.

She knew it.

She remained strong through it all.

There were painful times. There was a time when he told her to get a life and she almost did but then he pulled her back and made her feel guilty for doing so. There was a time when he sought the affections of someone else as she stood by silently. There was no anger or even a harsh word but simply an understanding that she was there waiting for him to accept her.

And he did finally.

He accepted her.

He loved her.

He was not the best partner. He could be insensitive at times taking for granted that she was there at home waiting for him and not bothering to call to let her know that he would be late or that he would not be home at all. Sara accepted all of this without a single complaint. She loved him faults and all choosing to see only the fact that now he had let her in and he was willing to share his life with her. It was all she ever wanted.

She had Gil Grissom.

They were a couple.

He swallowed hard as he felt his knees hit the floor.

Sometimes, even a man could cry.

**Note from author:**

I am giving you a glimpse into my next story. It will mirror the current series to some extent but of course I am going to attempt to cover the back story…you know the real reason we watch CSI….GSR. We miss them. We need them back….even if it is to ride off into the sunset. We've been waiting eight years. We got to see the relationship exposed, their feelings expressed, the proposal and then the kiss. We didn't ask for the kiss to be attached to a goodbye…that's not the way GSR should end….will end.

Let's begin the rest of the story.

Take care!

Penny


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

Their relationship had not been easy or fast. It had been a slow difficult process. No one could say that Sara Sidle was not patient. She took whatever he was willing to give. At first, it was sporadic visits at odd hours of the day or night. There would be a tap on her door and he would be there. She would let him in and he would cautiously move about her apartment fearful of the intimacy and the fact that they might cross the boundaries between boss and employee. She saw his hesitancy and she treated him as if he were a wounded animal that needed to regain its trust from mankind. When he came she offered shelter and a warm place to rest and receive nourishment and a kind word. If he was quiet, she was also.

The fact that he chose to come to her gave her hope that he needed her. She tried to determine a pattern but there was no rhyme or reason for his visits. Sometimes he would come after a hard case but then sometimes he would show on slow nights and it baffled her but she said nothing. She opened her door wide and let him inside. Once in, he chose where to stand or sit or the conversation or the silence or the long stares or the holding of hands. He controlled everything while she became the submissive knowing there was power in the role long before Heather had pointed it out to him.

His behavior was never the same and never predictable. At times she felt she was being tested while other times she felt she was being observed and wondered when the test or the experiment would come to an end. She never spoke unless he initiated the conversation but smiled when she felt him relax around her. He began to fix breakfast for them after awhile learning the ins and outs of her kitchen and showing her his mastery of the omelet. She enjoyed watching him cook and she thought he enjoyed it as well although she never asked not sure where the boundaries lay.

It was one of these rare visits that one day he reached over and kissed her lightly on the lips. It was a slight brush but its effect was the same as if he had just tipped her over and given her mouth to mouth. It was a lifeline that was opened. The casual kiss turned to sensual kisses and soon he was pulling her into an embrace. She was submissive to any and all actions letting him build his trust slowly on his terms. It had worked. He soon sought solace from her at work and they became a twosome on long trips.

It was those times they enjoyed the most when it was just the two of them and the dead body. They could work side by side in unison and finish the site in record time enjoying each other's company. The cases slowly defined their relationship. With the near fatal shooting of Brass came the need for intimacy. He became the perfect lover fulfilling every need and she relished those moments tucking each of them away in case he should bolt and end their relationship. She would have those memories to sustain her because she knew there would be no one else after Gil Grissom. It was a risk she was willing to take.

Nick's abduction brought overnight stays with each of them wanting to spend as much time together as they could. She began her ritual of spending the night at his place. His place was the obvious choice since no one visited Grissom. He was much more private than Sara. They each suffered nightmares after Nick's abduction each knowing that Nick could have died. Sara would often wake wanting and feeling the need to call Nick to reassure herself that he was fine.

It was his strong arms around her whispering that Nick would be there at the start of shift that got her through those times. His dreams took on a different scenario as he would watch Sara in the box struggling and he would wake in a cold sweat. She would caress his cheek kissing him gently as if to comfort a frightened child. She was good for him and he knew it. She was the only person he had learned to trust and it was because of the tireless comfort she gave him whenever he needed it.

He was needy for her.

She was needy for him.

Their need grew for one another.

With Adam Trent came the final push for him or so he thought at the time. He watched his own fears unfold as Adam held Sara by knife point. It had frightened him. It had scared the shit out of him. When the shift was over, she headed for the door but he stopped her asking her to stay with him that night. It was unusual in that it was not their usual night but she did not argue.

The incident had even unnerved her, bringing up old haunts that she would have preferred to stay buried. She stopped by her place, picking up a few things and trying to calm the shakiness she suddenly felt when she looked at herself in the mirror. By the time she arrived, he had managed to bring himself to a frenzy of fear and worry that she had not been truly fine like she had told him right before he watched her drive away. She let him hover as he fixed dinner and then offered a soothing bath.

She felt his fear and spent the next several hours trying to dispel them by making love to him. She was exhausted and yet she felt the need to comfort him, to reassure him that she was fine. As she rose to leave later that day, he placed the key in her hand asking her to move in with him. It was the final step, she thought. She kept the key hidden from the world as she slowly moved her things over. She brought only clothes and a few books. The rest of her things remained in her apartment where she pretended to live. The deception from the world grew deeper.

Their life fell into a routine of sorts and gradually they added a dog naming him Hank pretending to live out a life separate and hidden from the office as well as the others. It all seemed to fall so perfectly into place until the miniature cases began. She knew he was becoming obsessed and he sought to find the killer. She also knew that something was bothering him as he slowly withdrew within himself. She remained steady by his side offering her love and understanding. She gave her mind and body and soul to the only person she felt was worthy to call home. It was Grissom.

She was not prepared for the sabbatical. She knew he needed something and it pained her that she could not find what it was that he needed. She had hoped that he would find refuge in her and it saddened her to know that he needed more. When he stood there that day with the plane ticket in hand, she wished him well and told him it would be good for him to get away. She meant it even though she was not sure how she would survive while he was gone. She had disconnected herself from the others in order to protect their relationship. There were no longer visits from Greg or Nick and now as she watched him leave that day in the lab, she felt the melancholy close in on her once more.

_I'll miss you…_

He said those three little words and yet there was no comfort. She had longed for him to utter something else, something he had not done before.

_I love you…_

She had been waiting for him to finally accept that what they had was love. He had never said it but she hoped that one day he would write it to her in a note or utter those three little words and finally she would feel worthy of existing because the man she loved, loved her in return. The sabbatical found her suddenly not sure of their relationship anymore. She would lay awake wondering if he was trying to tell her that he had made a mistake and that he expected her to be gone when he returned. When he did not call or write her fears grew and so did the insomnia along with the anxiety that she was no longer wanted by Gil Grissom.

Brass noticed immediately. He watched as she slept little and showed signs of fatigue and lack of appetite. He watched for several days and then one day after work he offered coffee and she accepted. As they sat at the diner, Brass got a close look at the effects of Grissom's absence.

"You miss him, don't you?" he asked.

"We all do. This Keppler guy is not Grissom," she said as she sipped on the coffee.

"Does he have you feeding his little friends while he's away?" he asked.

She looked at him in confusion.

"I went by his place the other day and saw your car parked out front," he said.

"Yes…yes I'm taking care of things," she said.

"Bullshit."

Her eyes shot up at the remark.

"Sara, he's coming back. He just needed to get away. It's not because he doesn't love you."

Her demeanor began to show signs of distress as she tried to inch her way out of the booth.

"I've known for months," he said.

She said nothing.

"Your secret is safe with me. Gil and I have trusted one another for years."

She still said nothing.

"Look, you need to take care of yourself. It won't look good if he comes back and finds you've pined away for him. He'll feel guilty for getting away."

She refused to say anything.

"Let's make a deal. You don't have to admit anything to me as long as you have breakfast or dinner with me here at the diner every day."

She was silent.

"My treat…just you and me….no push to talk about anything….or anyone."

Despite her need for company, her silence revealed the length at which she would go to protect him.

"Deal?"

She nodded as he called the waitress and made her order something to eat. It was his kindness that got her through the next several weeks. She said little or nothing about Grissom and he admired her loyalty. He drove by and checked on her from time to time but did not stop in for fear that she would leave. It was a few weeks before his return that he saw a slight difference in her. She picked at her food and was even more quiet than usual. He drove by the townhouse that day and her car was gone. He played a hunch and drove by her apartment and found it parked out front. He did this for several days and found her now back at her apartment. When they met for dinner that evening, he brought it up.

"You're staying at your apartment again. Why?" he asked.

She glanced at him but returned her eyes to the food on her plate.

"He hasn't called, has he?"

She said nothing.

"No letters?"

Again silence.

"Look. He's Grissom. Have you tried calling him?" he asked.

She took a sip of water and it was then that he saw the slip of the tear that dropped.

"His silence doesn't mean that he's changed his mind about the two of you just like your silence now doesn't mean that you're not with Grissom. We both know the answer to that."

He sighed knowing he would get no information from her. He drove by the townhouse again the next day and she had not returned. He picked up the phone and was surprised when he got him on the first try.

"You haven't called," he said.

"I didn't know I was supposed to," said Grissom.

"I can understand you wanting to get away from the rest of us but why Sara? Why no contact with her?" asked Brass irritably.

Grissom was silent.

"I've got nothing but the silent treatment from her since you left. She refuses to acknowledge anything about the two of you when I know different. If it means anything to you, she's afraid you're having second thoughts. Women do that when some men act like asses and don't call or write. Of course I'm guessing about all of this because she won't even admit that you two have been seeing each other. I mean this could be pure conjecture on my part…I mean so what if I've seen her car parked at the townhouse for months…well that is until recently. It's back at her apartment. "

"Is she okay?" he asked.

"She would be if you would call…"

"I can't do that right now…"

"Write her…send her something…want to lose her?" he asked.

He heard the click of the phone and hoped he had gotten through to him.

He had written.

He had missed her.

He missed her more than anything.

It was the sabbatical that made him see how much she had become a part of his life and he needed to be with her. He slept fitfully while he was away and he found himself hating the lecture. He had intended to send the letter but as soon as Brass had told him she was no longer at the townhouse the same old insecurities returned and he was afraid he would return and she would be the one not wishing to be in a relationship.

It was the very reason he did not call. He could not bear the thought that his leaving had been the final straw that made her leave. Besides, he had done nothing but push and shove lately and sooner or later she would have enough and leave. He put the letter in his book and tucked it away. He sat there now suddenly feeling very scared at the thought that soon he would know if she really loved him.

He sent her a package to the office. He was afraid if he sent to the house she would never receive it since Brass had said she was gone. If he sent it to her apartment she would know that he had discovered she had left. It arrived one evening and when she saw the postmark she knew it was from him. She waited until no one was around to open it. She pulled out the cocoon and stared at it and then searched in the box for a note but there was none.

She sighed.

_That's Grissom…._

She had felt like that caterpillar, an awkward creature waiting to be transformed into something beautiful. All she needed were three little words but they did not come. At that moment she did not feel they would ever come. She placed it in his office where she knew it would be safe until his return.

He grew concerned when she did not show at the diner. He drove by the townhouse and saw that her car was parked out front. He tapped on the door and they stood there face to face.

"Got a phone call?" he asked.

"No.," she said as she stepped aside and let him enter.

He stood there and stared at the dog.

"When did you guys get a dog?" he asked.

She stood there with arms folded.

"A few months ago," she said softly.

He tried to hide his smile as she began to open up.

"I talked with him the other day…I think I caught him in class…he must have picked up the phone out of habit. I thought he would have called or written by now," he said looking around. "Place looks better since you moved in."

She nodded lightly.

"You okay?" he asked. "You didn't come by the diner."

"Keppler has all of us a bit frazzled."

"Grissom will be back soon," he said.

She stood there staring at the floor.

"He's scared you're going to leave," he said.

It made her look up.

"Stay. Don't go back to the apartment. It would hurt him," he said.

She nodded.

He turned to leave and she stopped him.

"Jim…thanks," she said quietly.

He smiled and then left.

He did return sooner than anticipated. He hopped the first flight available and didn't bother to hide his enthusiasm for seeing her in the hallway. As he followed her down the hall she could not resist letting the smile escape as she warned him she had been dumpster diving but he did not care. She was there in front of him and he meant to be near her.

"_Sara."_

_Sara turned around and there he stood after all those weeks. _

"_Hey. You're back."_

"_Yeah."_

_Grissom took a step toward her but Sara stepped back. She held up her evidence packages to defend herself. _

"_Uh, I've -- I've been out at a, um ... I've been at ..."_

"_A garbage dump?"_

_Grissom continued to advance and she continued to back away. _

_Sara smiled slightly. "Yeah. It's so obvious, isn't it? Nice, um ... You look good."_

_She nodded and continued to back away from Grissom as he continued his pursuit. _

"_Did you, uh, put the cocoon in my office?"_

"_Cool, dry, not a lot of light. It seemed like the right place for it."_

"_I think you're going to be surprised when it hatches."_

"_I have no doubt." He wasn't sure about her reply as he stopped the pursuit. "I'm gonna ... go clean up now."_

_Sara turned and headed toward the showers. _

"_I'll see you later." It wasn't a statement but more of a question and she knew he was asking if she still wanted him._

_She stopped and looked at him. _

"_Yeah, you will."_

He had counted down the minutes until they were finally at the townhouse together. He stood there now facing her as she took the straight razor in hand.

"Trust me?" she asked.

"Intimately," he replied.

And he did. He trusted her with his life. She shaved away the beard and then when she was done her hands felt his face once again sending shivers down his back.

"I've missed you," he whispered.

"I've missed you too," she managed to get out.

He observed her now and realized the sabbatical had been hard on both of them. She looked tired and the dark circles told him they both needed sleep but he had to have her. He had missed having her body beneath him. He pulled her close and dipped his head down to kiss her tenderly. She moaned causing a flurry of clothing to fly about the room. They did not stop until they were beneath the sheets giving each the relief they sought. It had been hurried and rushed and yet it had been truly amazing. He sighed telling himself his fears had been unwarranted but with each day he sensed something was different but he said nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:**

It was the first time he experienced the melancholy. It seemed to help when she was in his arms and so he found himself touching her when she was near. When she seemed to be far away in thought he pulled her back by holding her, kissing her until she was focused on him. He had been good for her as she slowly pulled herself from its grasp. The melancholy left and she returned to her old self. He had a greater appreciation for her after his return. He quietly told her how he had missed her and knew the sabbatical was a mistake the moment he left but then he had obligated himself and had to follow through despite the longing to be with her. It helped ease her fears. Even with him back she still felt that any moment he would tell her that it had been a mistake and she would find herself back at her apartment alone and without the love of her life.

She struggled with her insecurities for weeks. They were thrown back into long hours at work and she was glad to have him back. He paired himself with her often not caring if anyone noticed. They needed the time together. He was not prepared to have Lady Heather reappear in his life. It was still difficult at times for her although she never complained. It had been a sensitive part of their past.

Catherine and Brass had been shocked by his actions. It was unlike him to put himself in the middle of an investigation. He had spent the night with their prime suspect giving her an alibi. He knew that Heather was innocent just like his actions but they took on a different light when seen by others. There were the whispers throughout the lab but he was unphased by it. It did not matter what others thought. He had been a recluse for most of his life but now he had Sara to consider and he had not taken her feelings into consideration when he decided to spend the night. He had not even bothered to call her.

He had seen several similarities between Sara and Heather. They each were beautiful smart women. He had considered both of them to be strong women but Heather had lost her daughter and he felt her defeat. He sought to bring some comfort to her by reuniting her with her grandchild. He put his plan into motion not considering how his actions would affect Sara. It did. She pretended that it didn't but she clearly felt threatened by Heather and yet she told him to "…do what you need to do."

He thought that she would say more about the subject once they were home but she didn't. She came home after shift and cleaned the townhouse and did their laundry and walked Hank. She did everything but tell him how much his actions had hurt her. He knew he had hurt her and yet she said nothing. He could sense the insecurities and the sadness had returned but she kept it to herself. Her face and the lack of sleep mirrored how she really felt. She felt unloved. For Grissom, he could not seem to grasp what it was she needed. For Brass, the writing was on the wall.

"How's Sara?" he asked one day.

"She's fine," said Grissom as he continued processing the crime scene.

"She's been out of sorts lately," said Brass.

"How so?" he asked not bothering to lift his head again.

"She says very little and she's declined every offer to come to the diner with the others," said Brass.

"Maybe she doesn't want to be around the others," he countered.

"You may not need others but Sara does. Before you, she hung out with them. They did things together. Now, she does nothing. I think it's because she doesn't want anyone to know about your relationship. She works and then goes home….of course if you guys do things together then…"

He said nothing. When work was over, he went home and submersed himself into his experiments or read or listened to opera. Sara was just there. If he was in the living room, she would appear with a book and sit with Hank. If he was with his experiments, she would slip by the door from time to time to watch him but never intruded. If he seemed distracted by her presence she would quietly disappear into another part of the house.

"You know it's none of my business but…"

Grissom looked up and Brass continued despite the look he was given. He knew Grissom was a private man but he didn't care. He was worried about Sara.

"This thing with Heather…has the grapevine on overtime…we've heard all of the rumors…I'm sure if I heard them then Sara has…"

"She understood. She…."

"She may have understood but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt her. Have you even sat down and talked with her? Women need to be reassured that they're needed…loved."

The last word sent his eyes back to the floor. He had never told Sara he loved her. He just thought she knew. She had to know.

He was late that morning coming home. He hoped she would still be awake when he arrived. As he opened the door, he found her curled up on the couch with Hank by her side. Her book lay on her chest. He stood there and watched not wanting to wake her but Brass had hit a nerve with him and he wasn't sure what to do about it. She woke just as he placed his keys on the counter along with his briefcase.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," he said coming to sit with her on the couch.

"I must have dozed off…I was reading," she said putting the book on the table.

"How was shift?" she asked.

"Not bad…I didn't see you much," he said.

"Reynolds case kept me pretty busy in the lab," she said.

"Have you eaten?" he asked.

She didn't reply but countered with her own offer, "I could fix you something…"

"Sara, have you eaten?" he asked again.

"I'm just tired," she said. The lack of sleep was catching up with her.

"I'll fix you something and then we can sleep," he said as he rose.

She smiled slightly and followed him.

Breakfast was finished and then they were now in their places just like they did each day after shift. She rolled over to her place in the bed. It was his cue to do the same. He didn't. He rolled over and spooned his body up next to hers as he gently stroked her hair with his hand.

"Feel up to a walk in the park or something when we get up?" he asked.

"You were going to finish your…."

"I would rather spend time with you," he said.

She gulped.

He felt it.

Brass had been right.

Sara was lonely.

His experiment was delayed.

It didn't matter.

Sara mattered.

He realized at that moment that all of the experiments and books and opera plays meant nothing in comparison to Sara. Sara was the best part of his life, the part that made him feel whole and complete. He felt guilty since he knew his direct actions had caused the insecurities. His best intentions with Heather and her grandchild had made Sara's insecurities return.

He had no sooner began working to remove those insecurities when Natalie took her sending him and the unit into a hellish nightmare as they rushed trying to put the puzzle together in order to save her before she was lost forever. He clung to the hope that she would be found alive and he knew that was the only option that he would accept. It had been hours of pure torture as they helplessly watched the rain pour unable to search for her until it subsided. He prayed feverishly she would be kept safe until they would be able to get to her.

Once the rain stopped, he diverted his attention to the next obstacle, the desert. They knew she was strong but they had no idea the sheer strength it took for her to pull herself from beneath the Mustang escaping the rain that threatened to drown her. The desert was not kind to her plight as the sun scorched her skin and yet she refused to give up. Giving up was not an option. She wanted to be with Grissom.

In the end, she was found barely clinging to life but she had beaten the odds and he told himself that she truly was much stronger than he would ever be. It was the finale change in their relationship as Natalie's kidnapping brought their secret life out into the open and now everyone knew. He had proclaimed it to everyone.

_The only woman I've ever loved…._

He had uttered those words without fear of the consequences. He was more afraid that she would die and no one would have known how much he loved her. It was that fear of losing her that prompted him to make that final step in their relationship by asking her to marry him and she had accepted. The years of heartache and struggle had finally come down to this and he was ready. He was ready to make Sara his own. He would give her his name and his love and know that she truly loved him. His life imploded with the letter and her departure.

_It's not goodbye…_

Hank jumped the moment the contents from the counter came crashing to the floor. He scurried underneath the table and sat there whining. He was not used to this type of behavior and he peered out from under the table to see Grissom clutching the paper in his fist. He remained there for several minutes before he slowly came out and stood there beside his master's feet and looked up at him. Grissom's hand dropped down to his side and Hank nuzzled it. His hand patted his head and he whined again. He missed her too.

He worked. He did very little except pull double after double. He slept little between shifts afraid he would miss her call and then when there was none he worried if she had already self destructed and wondered if he would ever know. It was early one morning when he had sat down in front of the computer that he found an email from her letting him know that she was fine. He stared at it and felt a lump in his throat as he read it over and over.

He hit the reply button and blasted her. He told her how selfish it was for her to wait so long before letting him know she was okay and how cruel it had been that she had left a letter rather than telling him to his face. He had then told her he would never say goodbye because the word was finale and it could never be finale between them. He wrote all this and then deleted it.

He sat there and heaved as he told her to stay in touch.

He said nothing more.

He thought of all the questions that had been directed at him and now he had the answer to one of them.

_She's in San Francisco visiting her mother…._

He wanted to know more but the goodbye had prevented him from making any demands. If he pushed she would and could make it finale. He didn't want that. He couldn't live with that.

He threw himself back into his work. It seemed to keep his mind off Sara until the others tried to talk about her. Brass was the first. He knew the others had put him up to asking.

" _So, you've been pulling a lot of doubles this week," said Brass_

"_Yeah, it's about all I do," said Grissom._

"_Have you been in touch with Sara?" asked Brass._

"_We've talked a little."_

"_So where's she at?"_

"_San Francisco, visiting her mother."_

"_No, I mean -- that's nice. No, but I meant where's she at emotionally? You know, with respect to the two of you," asked Brass._

"_I can't speak for her," said Grissom knowing that she had left the note letting him know how she felt but her leaving told him it was over._

"_So speak for yourself."_

"_I can't talk, I'm really busy."_

What could he say? He knew nothing else but yet to admit such a thing would let the others know that he had truly lost her and he could not face that. Goodbye was not an option.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

If they blamed him, no one said anything. Perhaps it was his own behavior that made them temper their feelings toward him. He worked and worked. He showed no emotion although a few glimpses could be seen if one was observant. Sara had been observant. She knew when he was sad or upset. She had learned to read his expressions and even his actions but she was no longer here and so he trudged on seeking solace in knowing that she had at least let him know she was fine. She was in San Francisco. She was visiting her mother. He wished he knew more. With each passing day, he withdrew more and more from the others. It was business only with little or no conversation. The others made their attempts at communicating with him. Catherine had been bold.

"_Oh, hey. How are you" she asked._

"_Why?" he asked a bit disgruntled._

"_I can't ask how you're doing?" she had returned with her own jab._

"_I'm sorry. I've just had a lot of ... uh ... I've been busy."_

"_Oh. Well, maybe you should take a few days off, for once in your career. I mean, you've got enough stored up. Go after her."_

He couldn't go after her. Could he?

He wasn't the only person with personal problems as Warrick's marriage collapsed before everyone's eyes. He had fallen apart. His vulnerability was plain to see and yet Grissom would not and could not help. He was barely holding on himself.

"_Hey, Gris, listen. About me being late,." began Warrick._

"_You have a cell phone paid for by the department. You call. You say you're running late. What's going on with you?" asked Grissom._

"_I don't know. This, uh ... this whole divorce has taken the wind out of my sails. You know, I used to have the team to distract me from all this, but even that's changed with Sara being gone. I feel kind of disconnected," said Warrick._

"_You've got your work. Don't screw that up," said Grissom._

Nick had tried the subtle approach.

_Grissom sat working at his desk when Nick walked in. _

"_All right, Grissom. That's it for me. I'm out of here," said Nick._

"_Have a nice day."_

_Nick lingered by the door. "Yeah, I'm going over to Frank's to grab something to eat. I'll probably be there for at least an hour if you want to ... if you want to join me."_

_Nick headed for the door but turned around. _

"_You know, we don't have to talk about anything in particular. Just two guys having breakfast. I just don't think it's good for people to be alone too much."_

_Nick backed out the door hoping to read Grissom's expression. _

"_If you want to, cool. If not, cool. Whatever."_

_Nick left for the diner. _

_Grissom remained at the lab. _

Greg had been the most outspoken. He said nothing. His actions however spoke volumes. He detested Grissom. He snapped at him at every turn and refused to look him in the eye. Grissom did what he did with any personal confrontation, he avoided him. He kept his distance hoping the young man would soon give up the fight but it grew worse until Catherine pulled him aside and told him that something had to be done so he did it.

He gave him a week off. It did little to calm things down but at least it gave Grissom time to think about what he should do next. He paced the floor that night staring at his phone. His palms were sweaty with anticipation. He picked up the phone and dialed her number.

It rang.

There was a click and then a recording.

He sunk down onto the couch.

She had turned in the phone to personnel.

There was no way to reach her now except by email.

It would have to do.

He found himself sitting in front of the computer now as he pulled up her previous email. He took a chance and emailed her asking her to contact him. He sat there and stared at the computer. Hours passed as he remained. He had already gone through a pot of coffee and now Hank sat there with leash in mouth begging to go out. He glanced down at the screen once more before taking the leash and stepping out.

It was a brisk morning as he made his usual round with the dog. Hank was excited about getting out and he knew it was unfair to keep the poor dog penned up inside the house but yet he could not bring himself to venture far from the computer as it now was his only lifeline to her. When he returned there was an email waiting for him.

It was from her.

He read it.

It had been a simple question posed.

She had replied with a simple answer.

He stared at it not sure whether to believe it had been this simple.

_Ask and you shall receive…._

He closed his eyes and prayed that she had been honest.

He sent another email.

It was a simple question.

She replied with a simple answer.

He finally asked but she finally answered.

It hurt.

He stared at the email exchange.

_Sara, where are you?_

_In Tomales Bay._

_Where are you staying in Tomales Bay?_

_In a beach house rental._

_Can I see you?_

_No._

He stared at it swiping his eyes as he pushed the keyboard aside.

He started to walk away when he received another email.

_4515 Beach Front Terrace, Tomales Bay_

He sat back down and stared at the address.

He packed a suitcase and then put the leash on Hank. He drove to the apartment and knocked on the door. He was surprised when the young man answered the door and stared at him. He said nothing but handed him the leash.

"His name is Hank and he likes to play Frisbee," said Grissom.

"What are you doing? Giving her dog away also?" glared Greg.

Grissom handed him the dog bowl along with the water bowl setting the food by the entry.

"Take care of him while I'm gone," he said.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Tomales Bay," he said grinning at Greg.

"It's about time," he said quietly.

"Yes…yes it is," he said as he turned and walked away.

He pulled out the slip of paper and entered the address into the Garman. Immediately a woman's voice was guiding him to her. Just six hundred and forty miles separated them and as the miles slipped away he became apprehensive not sure what he might find. There had been no other communication. He had thought to email her to let her know he would be arriving that Thursday but then he was afraid she would tell him not to come. He could not bear the thought of knowing exactly where she was at that given moment and not being able to go to her.

He recognized her car as he pulled up in front of the beach house. It was somewhat secluded since it was the off season and most of the rental houses were vacant. He tapped on the door but there was no answer. He stepped to the back and could see a few people on the beach. In the distance an elderly couple walked along the beach. A young boy was flying a kite while a woman sat nearby and read a book.

There was no sign of her and yet he was drawn to the beach. It had been years since he had been to the Pacific. He slipped off his shoes and removed his socks. It was brisk but he knew he would not be able to make much lead way in the sand with the shoes he had chosen to bring. He felt his toes crunch down into the sand and even though it was cool, it felt good. He stood there for several minutes and watched the waves lap onto the shore. It was mesmerizing. He sat there now and watched wondering how long it would take before the waves reached him.

He looked off into the distance and saw a young woman walking. It was Sara. Her eyes were focused on the waves as they splashed against her feet. Grissom already felt chilled and yet she purposely walked along letting the water splash against her. It had been months since he had seen her. She looked thinner and her hair seemed longer. He sat there waiting for her to notice him and yet she kept her eyes focused on the waves. He watched as she stopped and stared out into the ocean.

She folded her arms about herself and let the wind whip her hair back from her face. The sight caught in his throat as he pulled himself up and made his way to her. He said nothing as he came and stood behind her. She felt his presence immediately. Every day she had walked these beaches and each time she stared out into the ocean she envisioned meeting him like this. Of course she knew it was impossible because he did not know where she was.

That is until she had given it to him several hours ago. He had acted immediately. She was not prepared. She thought he would wait a few days perhaps even a week and then he would have emailed her to let her know when he would be arriving. He did neither. He came the moment she sent the email. Little was said as he slowly pulled her into his arms. They stood there now admiring the ocean not wanting to begin the long discussion they both knew would soon begin.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five:**

_I'm here again  
A thousand miles away from you  
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am  
I tried so hard  
Thought I could do this on my own  
I've lost so much along the way _

"_Pieces" by Red_

He clasped his hand in hers and they walked back to the beach house. She opened the back door and they stepped inside. He locked it as she headed to the kitchen to put on some tea. Grissom watched as Sara walked over to the fireplace and placed another log on the fire. It was then that she finally turned and made eye contact with him.

"You came."

"You left."

It was the first hint of the pain she had caused. She quickly diverted her eyes once more returning to the kitchen to pour the tea. He took the cup she offered and followed her to sit by the fire.

"I wasn't expecting you to come so soon," she said quietly.

"I wasn't expecting you to let me know how to find you," he said quietly.

"If I knew when I left I would have told you but as I said in the letter, I didn't know where I was going," she said.

He looked at her as she gazed into the fire. Her skin was no longer pale since it had been darkened by the sunlight as she walked the beach every day. She seemed frail and there was no doubt she still suffered with the eating and sleeping problems. He noticed the slight tremble in her hand as she held the cup to her lips. The house was warm but he knew that she had been chilled by the walk. He sat there and waited for her to begin but she said nothing. Minutes passed as the tea slowly disappeared.

"How are you?" he finally asked.

"Tired."

"How are you?" she asked.

"Tired."

A slight smile crossed her lips but faded as she reached for his cup as she stood. Her fingers touched his causing each to react.

"Another cup?" she whispered.

He shook his head as he watched her set the cups inside the sink.

"Have you eaten?" she asked.

"I ate before I got on the plane," he said.

He glanced at her quickly.

"You?"

"I'm fine," she said returning to the chair.

"Did you eat?" he asked.

He knew the answer to that.

She hadn't.

"We could go into town," he offered.

She shook her head.

"Let's fix something," he said as he stood and headed toward the kitchen.

She blocked his path.

"I'll do it," she said softly.

He watched as she prepared soup and sandwiches. Soon they were sitting at the small table.

"How's Hank?" she asked.

"He's good. He's staying with Greg while I'm gone," he said.

She nodded slowly.

She missed the boxer.

She remembered the first time Grissom had brought him home. It had been a gift. At least that's what he called it when she stepped through the door and into a puddle. She had looked up at the ceiling fearful there was a leak but found none. Grissom hurried out of the bedroom chasing after a very clumsy dog with a house shoe in his mouth. He stopped dead in his tracks the moment he saw her.

"_We have a dog," he said smiling._

_She glanced down at the puddle. _

"_What do you think?" he asked as he wrestled the shoe from the dog's mouth._

"_It's a surprise."_

_He quickly patted the dog on the head and forced him to sit. He quickly licked Grissom's hand and scurried away. _

"_He still needs to learn a few things," said Grissom._

_Sara nodded as she stood there with folded arms._

_Grissom looked at her demeanor._

"_You don't like him," he said frowning. "I knew I should have waited and picked one out together but he was all alone in a cage."_

_The dog came and sat down in front of Sara._

_Woman and dog looked at one another._

"_A dog is a lot of work," she said. _

"_I know," he said. "I thought we could do it together."_

"_Uh uhm," she said._

"_What's that supposed to mean?" asked Grissom._

_She kicked off her shoes avoiding the wet mess in the floor as she sat down in a chair with the dog quickly by her side. He tried to crawl into Sara's lap but she gently pushed him down. She rubbed the back of his ears and he licked her in the face._

"_He likes you," smiled Grissom._

"_What's his name?" asked Sara._

_Grissom stared down at the floor._

"_He has to already have a name," said Sara. "What did the previous owner's call him?"_

"_Hank."_

_Sara's eyes locked with Grissom's._

"_You have to be kidding me," she said._

"_I couldn't punish because of a name," he said._

"_I supposed it doesn't bother me as long as it doesn't bother you," said Sara._

"_He's a good dog Sara," said Grissom as he came to sit down on the couch._

"_I think you have a mess to clean up," she said as she pointed to the floor._

"_Yes, dear."_

_She laughed as she patted the door._

"_It could be worse. You could be a girl named Heather," she said._

_Grissom's head shot up._

"_I heard that."_

He counted each bite she took and was pleased to see her finish the soup and eat part of the sandwich. He helped put away the dishes and then they returned to their chairs in front of the fire. He expected her to say something more. She used to over talk. It was not a problem now.

He talked about the drive and she tried to listen. She was always a good listener but even now she struggled to follow along. Memories of their last kiss flooded her conscious. He was so close and she was so needy for his touch but she kept her distance. His conversation soon dried up. He waited as the silence filled the room. She finally cleared her throat and he thought that now would come the flood of conversation but it didn't.

"It's late," she said softly.

He stood and they stared at one another.

"Did you bring a suitcase?" she asked.

He stepped out taking in a deep breath as he tried to calm his nerves. By the time he returned with the suitcase, she was wearing a gown. She led him to the bedroom and she began unpacking his things. She tried not to notice the amount of clothing he had brought since she would be able to calculate when he would be leaving. They stared at one another across the bed. He waited for her to make the first move as she pulled the bed covers down and slid beneath the covers. He stepped into the bathroom and returned shortly. It was not like him to not dress in front of her. They had been doing it for two years and yet when he returned his clothes were changed along with his facial expression.

He was unsure.

He was unsure of everything.

He slid in beside her.

She expected him to spoon his body up next to hers like so many times before.

It was the way they slept.

He didn't.

They each lay there not touching.

"I've missed you," he said softly.

"Gil?"

He turned to look at her.

"I love you," she whispered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six:**

_Then I'll see your face  
I know I'm finally yours  
I find everything I thought I lost before  
You call my name  
I come to you in pieces  
So you can make me whole  
I've come undone  
But you make sense of who I am  
Like puzzle pieces in your eye_

"_Pieces" by Red_

Those three little words floated in the air as she felt her resolve slip and she softly cried while he held her. He felt her cling to him as she quietly whispered those same words over and over followed by "sorry…so sorry…so very sorry." It was a sincere and mournful apology that tore from her and he found himself rocking her back and forth as she cried herself to sleep. He listened as her breathing slowed and he closed his eyes now hoping to find the same peace that had been so elusive the last few months but it did not come.

The bedroom was positioned in such a way that the fire was visible from the bed. He rolled over and stared at the fire at least content in knowing that she slept. It was an hour later that he watched as she slowly tiptoed out of the bedroom and walked toward the backdoor. He bolted out of bed the moment he heard the door open and then shut.

He looked into the darkness and watched as she walked down to the beach and stood there. He gently opened the door and stepped out onto the back deck not wanting to interfere. He seemed apprehensive having her stand out there alone in the dark where God knows what lurked. He shivered from the coolness and found himself now walking out there after her.

"Sara?"

She turned and he could tell she had been crying.

"Sara?"

"It's cold," she whispered.

"Yes, it is," he said softly. "Come back inside."

She stood there staring out at the water until she felt his hand entwine with hers and she was being led back to the house. They stepped back inside and he locked the door behind them. He pulled her to the fire and rubbed her arms. Her body was like ice as he pulled her close using his warmth.

"Couldn't sleep?" she questioned.

He shook his head.

"You?"

"I try. I try each night. I'm supposed to keep a routine. I'm getting better," she offered.

He wasn't sure she said it for him or for herself.

A flash of pain crossed his face causing a chill within her.

"Gil, I didn't leave you. I just needed to get away," she said.

"You should have told me. I would have come with you," he said quietly.

"And watch me fall apart…you don't need to see that," she said.

"I should have been the one to decide…not you…"

His hurt was felt.

"I'm…"

"Don't….don't say you're sorry…you've said that enough these days."

"It's true," she whispered.

"What did you think was going to happen when you left?"

She said nothing but turned away.

He did not wish to fight.

She seemed to fragile at the moment.

"I've missed you," he said.

"Why?"

He looked at her trying to understand why she would ask such a question.

"Did you think I wouldn't?"

She said nothing.

He realized how deep his mistakes had been.

"Come back to bed," he whispered. She walked back to the bed and slid between the covers. He pulled the covers over them as he pulled her into his arms.

He wanted to say those three simple words but her leaving had scared him. He felt vulnerable again. It hurt her to know that he had returned to his distrustful ways but she didn't blame him. She had coaxed him these last few years to trust her and he did that. His biggest fear had been that she would leave him one day and she had reassured him over and over that she was there until her last breath but then she left leaving with it an air of lies.

It was not what she had wanted. She had wanted to fulfill that promise but as she felt herself spiraling downward unable to stop it this time, she was forced to do the one thing she swore she would never do. She left Gil Grissom. She thought that she would surely self destruct the moment reality sunk in and she found herself alone not because of him but because of her own actions. If someone had told her years ago she would be the one to leave she would have found the entire statement laughable. He was all she ever wanted. Why would she give up the one thing she had fought so hard to get?

She turned once more to plead with him to forgive her but the pain in his eyes made her wish she had already self destructed. It was this that she had tried to so hard to avoid. The one person in this world she never wanted to hurt was now in pain. The pain belonged to her. She wrapped her arms about herself rolling away from him as she wept.

"I never wanted this," she said. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"Then stop this," he said.

It was a simple request.

He felt her tremble and he pulled her back.

"We can get through this," he said.

She wanted to believe him.

"Gil?"

He always liked the way his name sounded on her lips.

"I'm scared," she choked out.

It was the first time she had ever admitted that even when Adam held her at knife point. Even when she lay in the hospital bed after her ordeal in the desert she had not said that.

"Of what?' he asked.

"Of losing you," she said.

It knocked the air out of him.

"That's not possible" he said.

"I can't go back. I can't do it anymore….seeing lifeless bodies…"

"Sara, we meet people at the worst time in their life…"

"You've said this before," she said.

"Still recording every word I say," he chided.

"Still hanging on every word you say," she whispered.

It made him kiss her softly on the lips.

"A diversion…you never got one."

She closed her eyes and could hear his exact words that night when he had warned her all those years ago.

"_Sara. Do you have any diversions?" asked Grissom._

"_Do I what?"_

"_You max out on overtime every month. You go home and listen to your police scanner." _

_Sara turned away from the computer screen and looked at him._

"_You read forensic textbooks ..."_

"_Yeah."_

_She had heard this tone before and she knew a lecture was about to ensue. She diverted her eyes from him and returned to the computer. He had seen that look before and he was determined to get her to listen. He sat down in the chair next to her._

"_Look, every day we meet people on the worst day of their lives. It's a lot to deal with. Everyone who's had any time on this job knows that you have to have a diversion in order to cope with what we see. What do you do for fun?"_

"_I chase rabbits. And ... I read crime books. And I listen to the scanner."_

"_You need something outside of law enforcement. Catherine has her kid, you know? I sometimes ... ride roller coasters." _

_She looked at him once more. She wanted to tell him he was her diversion._

"_What do you do?"_

_She turned back to the computer knowing that she could never tell him._

"_Nothing."_

"_Okay. What do you like?"_

"_I don't like anything."_

"_You've got to find something to like. You can't get too close to the victims."_

"_She's special ... to me. I can't help it."_

"_If you don't find something they'll all become special and you'll burn out."_

"You were my diversion," she said. "I could get through all of it as long as I had you."

"You have me," he said.

"No…I didn't," she admitted.

He forced her to turn and face him.

"I rarely saw you at work anymore…we were never in bed at the same time…even on days off, we seemed disconnected," she said.

"I should have gone to days…you should have stayed on Graveyard," he said quietly.

"It wouldn't have made a difference…we wouldn't have been together."

"You would have been with the others."

"I wanted you…needed you," she said.

"I'm sorry," he said.

It was a small breakthrough as she quietly told him of her loneliness and how she had missed being with him.

"We'll change shifts," he said. "Come home and we'll…"

She shook her head sadly. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm not ready. There are things I have to face," she said.

"I'll help," he offered.

"You can't."

She felt his hold on her tighten.

"I saw my mother," she said.

He nodded.

"I went to see her to talk about that day….the day she killed my father."

"Did it help?"

"Some. I thought I would feel some kind of connection with her but I don't. She seemed like a stranger to me."

"Sara, it's been years since you saw her."

"She hadn't changed. I recognized her immediately. She didn't know who I was at first…not until I spoke."

"Are you going to visit her again?"

"No."

"Then why are you still here?"

"I haven't visited him."

"Him?"

"My father."

"Want me to come?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Not sure how I'll react," she said. "I…didn't handle mom's visit very well. I can only imagine what it will be like to face him. His ghost has been with me all my life. I never tried to help him that day. I should have tried."

"I could drive you there," he offered.

"Gil, you shouldn't have to go through this," she said.

"I guess it's good we never married," he said.

He felt her stiffen.

He pulled her closer.

"Have you ever listened to marriage vows?" he asked.

She said nothing.

"For better or worse…"

"You deserve better not worse."

"I'll take you any way I can get you."

"That's not what I want for you."

"Leaving me alone…that's what you wanted," he said sitting up.

"I tried…I really tried…the sleeping pills were not working…the trips to the shrink…" she stopped, feeling as if she had said too much.

He pulled her hand into his.

"How long did you go?" he asked.

"Six months."

_I never paid any attention to you…_

"Did talking help?" he asked.

"Not with that quack," she said. "I've never liked psychologists."

"Talk to me," he said.

She looked at him.

"I can listen."

She felt his fingers caressing the palm of her hand as they mingled with hers.

"Try me," he said.

"Griss…"

"Marry me," he said suddenly.

She stared at him.

"Marry me," he said.

Note from author:

Thanks for the reviews. Thanks for Chauncey who had to inform me that one of my stories, "The Nurturer" has been nominated on the community live journal CSIfanfic awards. I had to chuckle since I had never been to the sight so I had to go and check it out. It was nice to be nominated. Thanks to whom ever did that. I had to chuckle when I was not listed in the category of angst….LOL

Please continue with the reviews as we continue with our story. I am still struggling with a virus but I think I have it beat…probably gave it to someone. LOL. I am struggling to finish another story that has been nagging me. I think I will post it next so I can be rid of the thing. It is entitled "Facing Sara."

Take care,

Penny

P.S I have three others in the works and I am so buried right now but I hope to finish them soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

_let it go,  
let it roll right off your shoulder  
don't you know  
the hardest part is over  
let it in,  
let your clarity define you  
in the end  
we will only just remember how it feels  
"Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas_

She looked down as she suddenly felt the ring slide across her finger.

"You left before I could give it to you," he said. "I was going to give it to you after shift."

"You shouldn't do that," she said swiping at her eyes.

"I asked…you said yes. We just never set a date and I could never make up my mind about the ring."

She stared down at it.

"Marry me," he said again.

"Gil…"

"I love you."

The three little words slipped from his lips as he softly kissed her.

"I love you Sara. Marry me," he said.

She felt the lump in her throat as she tried to swallow. Those three elusive words now belonged to her. She breathed in deeply praying it was not a dream but then reality was much harsher than her dreams these days. As much as she wanted to keep it, she couldn't. It hurt as she started to remove it. She felt his hand on hers.

"I'm not good for anyone right now. I've been broken for so long I never even noticed until… I have to work through this," she said.

"I'm not asking you to go back with me…although I want you to come back….soon…I'm just asking you to marry me. Show me you love me," he said.

"Show you?" she asked.

"Tomorrow…we get a license and get married."

She was not sure how to respond.

"It wouldn't be fair to you," she said.

"Your letter was not fair. I had to accept your goodbye. I won't this time," he said.

It made her cringe.

"Tomorrow?" he asked again.

She felt herself nodding.

"Good, now what were you going to say?"

She wasn't sure what had just happened.

"I think I can sleep now," she said.

"Me too," he said.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?"

"Tomorrow, you're Mrs. Grissom."

She woke to the smell of omelets. She rolled over and found the bed cold. She grabbed her robe and walked into the kitchen to find him there staring out at the ocean.

"Morning," she said.

"Good morning," he said as he smiled and turned around. "I didn't want to wake you until breakfast was ready."

He leaned over and kissed her. It was soft and gentle but yet had a sense of anticipation in it.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"I've missed your omelets," she said.

They sat and ate while sitting out on the deck. The wind was not as brisk today and the sun was out.

"Finished?" he asked.

She nodded.

He smiled. "We should get ready," he said as he started to get up.

"Gil?"

He turned to look at her.

"We can't do this," she said.

"Do what?"

"Get married."

"Yes…we can."

"I won't do that to you."

"Sara, you make it sound like…"

"You'll be responsible for me…if anything…."

"I'm already responsible."

"No, you're not."

"Are you saying you won't marry me?" he asked letting his voice rise.

"Not now…when…"

"When it's convenient for you? What about my needs Sara? When are you going to take into consideration what I need?"

"I have! I have from the beginning. It's all I've ever considered…what you needed."

_Except what you needed…_

_I need to know you're going to be okay…_

_I need for you to marry me…_

"I need you to marry me….please," he said out loud.

She swallowed hard.

"Why?"

"Because I don't know how to live without you."

Their eyes locked briefly before she quickly looked away.

"At one time we said that was enough. Remember?" he asked coming to kneel beside her.

She leaned back into the chair closing her eyes.

She remembered.

"_You're pissed," he said as he leaned against the counter._

"_Don't!" she warned as she slammed the glass down on the counter after chugging down the orange juice._

"_What do you want…from me?" he asked._

"_Nothing!"_

_He watched as she stormed out of the kitchen and made her way to the living room. She grabbed the jackets that had been thrown across the couch. In three strides, he was there in front of her._

"_Sara, talk with me," he said._

"_You want to talk now?" she yelled. "I tried to…to talk with you yesterday but you blew me off."_

"_I didn't blow you off," he said softly. "I just wasn't ready to talk."_

"_Fine."_

_She stepped to the side intent to put the jackets in the closet but he blocked her._

"_I'm ready to talk now," he said._

"_I'm not!"_

_She dodged him and opened the closet._

"_Isn't this a bit childish…I never thought you would resort to temper tantrums," he said._

_There was a cool silence that enveloped the house._

_Her eyes grew dark and he felt the urge to stand clear of her._

_Sara pulled down the jacket she had just hung. She said nothing as she walked to the counter and picked up her phone along with her keys._

_She had managed to make it to the door when he had decided letting her go was far worse than facing her fury at this moment._

"_You're not suffocating me," he said._

"_No, I'm not," she said. "I'm leaving."_

_He froze._

_He didn't like the word._

_It could mean too many things._

"_Sara, don't leave…like this."_

"_Get out of my way, Grissom."_

"_Look, I didn't mean it…like…I was referring to the case…merely an observation," he said._

"_Bullshit! Just be honest…you don't want me here," she said._

"_That's not true!" he said._

"_Yes, it is. I'm not some toy you can put away on a shelf and take down from time to time."_

"_If you were…a toy…you'd be my favorite," he said._

_It didn't help matters as she purposely stepped on his foot to get to the door handle._

"_Sara! Wait!"_

_She stopped and stood there with her eyes closed._

_He knew what that meant._

_He'd seen her do it several times now._

_She was mentally calming herself down and any minute she would blast him with her intellect. She had ways of cutting straight to the issue. He usually lost these arguments. She was brutal but she was honest in her observations._

_Where was bullshit when you wanted it?_

"_You're not ready for this," she said. _

_She said nothing else._

_He waited for the long speech that summed up their entire relationship so concise._

_She said nothing more._

_She opened the door._

_He stood there shaken._

"_I'm sorry. This isn't enough," she said. "I thought you would feel different about me by now. Maybe I'm not what you want…or need," she said._

_He watched her leave and yet he did not make a move._

_He expected her to come back but she didn't._

_Her favorite running shoes and sweats along with that damn blanket she dragged around was still there._

_He told himself she would come back._

_She didn't._

_Days passed and yet they went through the motions at work._

_She was polite, professional, acted as though nothing was wrong but he knew._

_He knew things were definitely wrong._

_She wasn't there at the townhouse anymore._

_He glanced around and cursed._

_She was right._

_He wasn't ready for a relationship._

_He just wanted to be with her when he felt like it. He didn't want to have to share the good and the bad days. He didn't want to let her see how work affected him sometimes. He had let his pride get in the way. _

_He knew it would mean letting her fully into his life and he wasn't sure he was ready for that or that he would ever be. He was used to being alone. He enjoyed his solitude. _

_After days of this solitude, he discovered something._

_He no longer liked nor wanted it._

_He missed her._

_She was surprised when she found him standing by her apartment door._

_She said nothing as she opened the door and he stepped inside without permission._

_She didn't even have to prompt him to speak. _

_He acted quickly._

"_I'm sorry," he said. "You were right. I was not ready for this."_

_She felt her chest tighten._

_It was not what she wanted to hear._

_She wanted him to admit he wanted more of "them."_

_The last few days had been hard._

_She had hoped he would have missed her but now she thought the time away had been more detrimental than helpful and she cursed at herself for taking such a drastic move._

_She prepared herself for the worse._

_The little voice inside her head told her this was where he would break her heart. It was the same little voice that often warned her that Gil Grissom would break her some day._

_She thought the voice was finally right as she stepped back._

"_I'll uhm come over and get my things," she said not letting any emotion seep through her voice._

_He looked shell shocked._

_Minutes passed as neither moved._

"_I uhm wasn't ready," he said as he struggled to find the right words. He hated words at time. They never seemed to come when he wanted to say something as important as needed saying at this moment. He knew he could snatch a quote from his memory but the words would not belong to him and he felt as though they needed to come from him. He shuffled for a moment and then looked at her._

"_I don't know how to live without you," he said quietly._

_She told herself to breathe as she felt her knees go wobbly._

"_I don't want to Sara. Is that enough?" he asked._

_She slowly nodded as she stood there._

"_Yeah, that's enough," she whispered._

"Sara?"

"Being like this…isn't enough," he said.

The tear escaped before she could swipe it away.

Note from author:

Thanks to those who are being faithful and leaving a review for each chapter. It means a lot.

Take care,

Penny


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight:**

He was the one that left this time.

She held her breath as she heard the door open and then shut.

She sat there and did not move even though she heard the start of an engine and then an overwhelming sense of urgency rose in her but she forced herself to remain seated.

_He'll come back…_

She swallowed the flood of tears that erupted as she jumped into action.

She stepped inside quickly and checked the bedroom.

His things were still there.

_He'll come back…_

She waited an hour.

He did not return.

She paced as she glanced at the clock each time she made a complete evolution in the beach house.

_He could be on his way back to Vegas…_

She grabbed her keys as she hurried out the door. She had no idea where she was going except that she needed to talk with him and if it meant following him all the way back to Vegas then she would have to do it. She drove down the winding road and stopped immediately when she spotted his car. She pulled over and walked up to the driver side but it was empty. She glanced down the grassy slope and saw a lone figure sitting on the rocks below.

She said nothing as she sat down beside him.

"Nice to watch the tide," she said. "I've spent hours just sitting on the beach waiting for the water to reach me."

He said nothing.

"Griss…"

"Why did you do all of this?" he asked angrily.

She breathed in deeply.

She had been waiting for this.

"I told you. I tried to stay…I really tried," she began but he quickly interrupted her.

"Why didn't you leave me alone?" he yelled.

She looked shell shocked.

"You never wanted this," he said grabbing her hand and pointing to the ring. "You never wanted me."

"That's not true!" she said.

"Then why Sara? Why can't you marry me?" he asked.

"I love you," she whispered. "Isn't that enough?"

"No."

He turned away.

"You've been gently leading me to this moment ever since you came to Vegas. It scared the hell out of me…the thought of being with someone…allowing myself to trust someone so intimately." He turned suddenly. "I did…I still do…trust you…the problem is that you never trusted me."

"That's not true," she whispered.

"Isn't it?" he asked. "When things were closing in, you didn't talk to me. You kept everything to yourself."

"I didn't know how to explain it to you."

"Forgive me Sara but that's bullshit! You never had a problem before…that was my hang up…not yours."

"What do you want me to say? You want me to sit here and tell you I didn't tell you because I was afraid you wouldn't let me go? Fine! I didn't tell you because…I was afraid you would."

He stared at her.

"I was barely getting through shifts. We argued more…talked less. You tried…I know. I just kept pushing you away and it hurt you…me…us. I figured sooner or later…you would have enough of me."

He sat back down and sighed as he ran his hands through his hair.

"What's your pulse now?" she whispered.

"You've always caused my pulse to race," he whispered back.

She gently caressed his cheek.

"There never really was any chalk…was there?" he asked softly.

She shook her head.

"I suppose it was a moment of weakness on my part," she said.

"You've never been weak, Sara. You're the strongest person I've ever known," he said.

They sat there in silence.

"I remember when I went away on sabbatical. I told myself I needed the time away from the lab but I really needed time away from you."

Her head shot up.

She had feared the very thing but Brass had assured her it was because of the job.

Now, she knew the truth.

"I needed to know what it would be like to be alone again. I needed to know how to prepare myself in case you…"

"Left," she finished for him.

"Jim said that would never happen. But still, I had to leave…to know. I had the answer within a day. I knew how much I would lose if that ever happened," he said. "I would lose everything."

"You uhm could still lose your job…the job you risked for me," she said swiping her cheeks.

"It's just a job Sara. You're my life. I lost my life that day I got the letter from Judy," he said. "Do you have any idea how much that hurt? How much I cursed you because I was no longer the old Grissom who didn't feel?"

"Do you know what that letter did to me? It was like finding that damn miniature all over again. I was so afraid that I did this to you…it was my fault that Natalie took you. I screwed up. I didn't keep our secret safe," he managed to get out.

"Natalie was not your fault! We never should have kept "us" a secret. A relationship can't be based on secrets," she said.

"There're no more secrets….no hiding…no pretending…where does that leave us Sara?"

He stood again as his voice carried down the slope and floated in the air.

He continued with his tirade.

"I've gone through the motions at work. We all have! You're leaving just didn't affect me, it affected the entire unit! Warrick is falling apart after his divorce…he tried to talk to me…the only advice I could give him is to be thankful he still has a job. Nick is not himself even though he pretends he's fine…I know better while Greg says nothing…does nothing…he's fast becoming the old me while Catherine tries to make excuses for me because I can't seem to get it together….I…I can't… I'm still trying to survive myself…they look to me when you're not there to comfort them…I'm not you…I'm experiencing my own hell. I want so much to be that uncaring bastard again but I can't! You did this to me!"

"I never meant to hurt you," she said.

"You did! You let me believe you would never leave and then you did! You took your love from me," he yelled. "You left me behind!"  
She sat there and sobbed. "I didn't know what else to do! God Gil, I tried. I really tried."

He pulled her up rather forceful as his hands gripped her arms tightly.

"You could have trusted me to take care of you…of us. There's nothing I wouldn't have done for you."

"I know. That's why I had to go."

"Running away is not the answer, Sara. Face the past, and then let go of it…don't let this come between us," he said.

"I'm trying. I really am. I've faced my mother already…what she did…how we lived."

She looked at him mournfully. "I've lived with this all my life. I don't know how long it's going to take. I can't give you a time frame."

"I didn't ask for one," he said.

"It's not fair to you," she said.

"You think this is fair?" he said letting his voice rise again.

"No, it's not."

"Let me try to understand this. You had to leave because you need to resolve some things in your past. You couldn't do it with me because you felt like you were going to self destruct."

She said nothing.

"Am I right?"

She still said nothing.

"Am I right?" he yelled.

"Yes!" she yelled back.

"Go ahead," he said letting go of her.

She looked at him confused.

"Fall apart…self destruct," he yelled. "We'll do it together."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine:**

She shook her head as she stood there visibly shaking.

He had never seen her look so vulnerable.

He had never felt so vulnerable.

"You trust me?" he asked.

"Intimately," she choked out.

"Then we're in this together," he said.

"No," she barely said above a whisper.

"Look at me Sara!" he yelled as his hands grabbed her again. "Do you think it would hurt any less if you self destructed here while I'm in Vegas? What happens to you happens to me!"

She clung to him as she wrapped her arms tightly around him.

His arms slowly embraced her.

"Trust me?" he asked again. "Then marry me."

They stood before the magistrate as he read the vows to them. They listened intently and he answered quickly when he was asked. She felt the caress of her palm when it was her turn and she replied yes as he grinned. The wedding bands were exchanged and then signatures and then they were back at the beach house. It had been sudden and quick and she was relieved when she had a moment to catch her breath. It was brief as his lips came down on hers and then he was removing her clothing. It had been so long since they had made love.

His actions were desperate at first with a sense of fear.

He wanted her.

He had wanted her the moment he had seen her on the beach.

She was usually the one to be the aggressor.

When she did not make any attempt, his old fears had returned.

_She's gotten tired of me…_

_She no longer desires me…_

_I'm old…_

_She's young…_

She felt her senses slowly coming alive for the first time in months. The slight tingle she always got when he touched her intimately returned once again. She had become fearful when he did not seem interested in her body. Her old fears had returned.

_He's gotten tired of me…_

_He no longer desires me…_

_I'm too much trouble…_

_He's tired of my past…_

When his hand caressed her inner thigh she moaned. She wanted him now. There was no need for foreplay. She had been ready for him the moment she saw him on the beach.

It was their lovemaking that always made her seem whole. When their bodies were joined and they moved with the same purpose, she felt as one with him. It was these times she did not know where she ended and he began.

She was glad to have that once again.

When she left, she did not think she would have that again.

As she felt herself letting go, he thrust once more letting himself fill her.

They floated together not wanting to lose the feeling so soon.

He slowly released her only to adjust his weight.

He was conscious of hers.

She had lost too much.

His greatest fear had been her depression.

It seemed better.

He was ready to admit that she suffered from the affliction.

He also knew that if Sara faced the horrors in her past, she could break free from it.

Of course, he knew there were high and low times when it came to depression.

He was hoping he would still be there when she hit her low point.

The day after their wedding was spent in bed.

It was not planned.

It just happened.

Neither had wanted to dress or meet the outside world.

He had wrapped himself in his robe as he fixed their meals.

He had insisted on serving her in bed.

She had insisted on making love several times.

It was mutually satisfying.

"Like being married?" he asked.

"Yes."

"I've missed this," he said.

"Me too."

"We used to spend our days off in bed," he said.

"I remember."

"Why did we stop?"

_We stopped because of Natalie…_

_I was broken physically…_

_You learned about the emotional part over time…_

She said nothing but moved the tray away from the bed and sat there with her legs on the floor.

"We let a lot of things get in the way. Didn't we?" he asked.

"Most of them were because of me."

_Guilt…_

_She feels guilty…_

"Funny, I thought it was mine," he said.

She glanced at him.

"I couldn't talk with you about Natalie," she said.

"I couldn't ask you to tell me. I felt responsible."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I made the slip. I let her see how much you meant to me. She wanted to punish me by taking you."

"It was Natalie's fault…not yours," she said quietly.

It was a step.

He began his descent into her pain.

It was deep.

He was prepared.

The next day he would plunge deeper with her.

She sat there with her hands in her lap as he drove. He had spent the morning convincing her to let him drive her to the cemetery. It was a sunny day as he drove around to the main entrance. She looked down at the scribbled note and motioned for Grissom to take the left side. With each motion of her hand showing him which way to turn he could tell she was already trembling. He came to a stop and glanced at her.

"Want me to go…"

She shook her head as she unbuckled the seat belt and stepped out. She breathed in deeply as she headed toward the headstone. As she approached, she looked around at the other names on the stones but did not recognize any. She had known very little about her extended family and given the violent nature of her parents she did not wish to seek them out. She stood there now reading the information on the stone. It said little giving his name, date of birth and death. There were no words of endearment. He was not listed as a loving husband, father or son. He existed and then nothing more.

She folded her arms about herself as she recalled that last day.

_He had been to the book store and had purchased a new book for her. She had taken it to her room and just plopped down on the bed to read when the argument broke out. She told herself to slip out the window and run to the library for a couple of hours. It would be nice and quiet there. Not like her house as the voices grew and she heard a crash of dishes being thrown. She pulled her legs up now and decided it was time to leave for awhile. As she slipped off the bed, she heard her name being called._

_She froze._

_She knew if she hurried, she could be long gone before her mother arrived into the room. Her shoulders dropped when the door was flung open and she stood there yelling at her. Sara had forgotten to take out the trash. She quickly got up from the bed and headed toward the kitchen but stopped the moment she saw her mother pick up the book._

"_Another book?" she asked._

_Sara nodded._

"_Since you can't remember to take out the trash, I'll give you a reminder," she said as she took the book and headed out of the room. Sara followed as her stomach twisted into knots._

_She watched as her mother threw the book into the trash._

"_Think you can remember next time?" her mother glared._

_Sara gulped loudly and nodded._

"_What did you say?" she asked stepping toward Sara._

"_Laura, you got your point across," said William Sidle._

"_Stop defending her!" she yelled taking a step closer toward Sara._

"_I'm not…you don't have to take it out on her," he said._

"_You always try to show me up in front of her. I have to be the one to discipline her, to make sure she has her homework done…you do nothing which is the problem," she complained._

"_It wasn't my fault I got laid off," he said now yelling back._

"_Did I mention your lack of employment?" she said as she pulled out a bag of potatoes and began peeling them._

"_No…you just have a way of making sure it appears you do everything around here…if it wasn't for my parents we wouldn't have this place," he said._

"_Oh really? If it wasn't for me, you would have lost it a long time ago. You have no concept of managing money," she complained._

_He glanced quickly at Sara and then stepped forward placing himself in front of her._

"_Look Laura, let's not do this anymore…Sara has been through enough…I'm going to take her for a walk," he said._

"_Like hell! She doesn't go anywhere without me," she yelled. Laura grabbed Sara's arm and she winced. It was still healing from the last fight in which Laura had beaten her with the broom handle. Sara had raised her arms in defense causing severe bruises and welts to appear. William had been livid and he had struck Laura causing the police to be called. He stood there now and had no intention of returning to jail. It had cost him his job. Although his boss told him he was next on the list, he knew his boss was relieved to be rid of him because of the domestic violence. _

_He grabbed at Laura but she snatched Sara up and held her between them. He seemed frightened by the fact that she kept the knife in her hand. He stepped back and helplessly watched as Laura tightened her grip on Sara's arm. She began to cry begging her mother to let go._

"_Sara, stop that whining now," Laura warned._

"_Momma please," said Sara. "Please let me go. I'll never forget to take out the trash again."_

"_No, you won't," she said as she began dragging her over to the trash can and shoving Sara toward it._

"_Laura, you're hurting her arm again. Please stop," he said._

"_Stay out of this!" Laura yelled._

"_No! Let go of her now!" he yelled._

_His yelling sent her over the edge as she tightened her grip on Sara's arm causing her to cry out in pain. William lurched for Sara sending them sprawling to the floor. Laura's head struck the back of the table and she cried out letting go of Sara who scrambled underneath the table. William lay there on top of Laura as she struggled to get up. She pushed him and he felt the blade slip from his chest. He felt a burning sensation as he tried to move toward Laura seeing the blood from the cut on her head._

_He reached to help her but fell in shock as he felt her plunge the blade into his chest again and again before sinking it deep into his chest. Sara screamed as she saw the knife protruding from his chest. He stared at it and then back at Sara underneath the table. She watched as the blood oozed from his chest and he smiled at her feeling the life drain from his body._

_Sara stared at him not sure why his eyes remained fixed on her. They did not blink nor did he look away when her mother stared at his now lifeless body. Sara waited for him to say it was going to be okay and yet he did not move. His eyes still set on her._

"_Daddy?" she asked._

"_This is your fault!" yelled Laura._

"_Daddy?" she asked once more._

"_All you had to do was take out the trash," she yelled. "I have to tell you to do something over and over. We were fine until we had you!" she yelled._

_Sara slid out from under the table and picked up the trash bag taking it out to the side of the house. She didn't bother to remove the book her father had given her. It would be his last gift to her. She quickly returned and then began cleaning up the kitchen as the police arrived and yet she continued to sweep and clean until she felt herself being lifted. It was an older police officer with deep blue eyes. He carried her outside and placed her inside the front of his vehicle grabbing a blanket from the back of his squad car and wrapping it around her. It was then she realized she was soaked in blood._

She felt a cool breeze and it made her shiver. It brought her back to the present. He was buried now beneath her feet. She felt her knees buckle as she slumped to the ground not sure if she wanted to remember anything more. It had been enough for one day and yet she felt the memories stirring once more.

_Her mother came into sight once again as another officer walked her out. Laura glared at her and Sara crouched down in the seat._

"_You want to tell your daughter goodbye?" asked the officer._

"_It was her fault," she yelled. "She always caused it."_

_The man shook his head as he blocked Sara's view from seeing her mother led away in handcuffs._

"_You want to take anything?" he asked Sara._

_She wanted the book but then she remembered her mother had thrown it away and it remained there, her fear too great to ask for the last thing her father had given her. She watched as his body was removed from the house and she suddenly wanted to go to him. She struggled to get past the officer but he stopped her._

"_He's gone, honey. There was nothing we could do," he said softly._

"_Can I go with him?" she asked._

_He stared at her._

"_They're going to take you to a nice family…a foster family. They'll let you attend his funeral," he said._

"_Couldn't I go with him?" she asked again._

"_He's going to the morgue," he said._

"_Please," she begged._

"_He's dead, honey. You can't live with the dead. He has to be buried."_


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten:**

The man's voice echoed in her head.

"You can't live with the dead," she whispered. "I've been living with the dead all my life."

"I'm so sorry daddy. I should have…I let her take the book from me…even in the end I didn't fight back…I should have. I should have gotten the book out of the trash and kept it. She took so much from us," she choked out as she sat there now not sure if there was any air left in her lungs.

"Sara?"

His voice was soft and now he stood behind her. He crouched down sitting on the ground as he pulled her into his arms.

"It's going to rain soon," he whispered.

She nodded slightly.

"We should go," he said.

She turned to glance at him but said nothing as she remained sitting there staring at the headstone.

"He deserved more," she sniffled. "Just his name and dates….nothing else…he was a loving father….she put nothing on the headstone….he deserved more."

"We'll fix it," he offered.

She nodded slightly.

He turned to look at her as her eyes remained fixed on the grave.

_Sara sat on the examining table as the nurse slowly persuaded her to remove the blood soaked clothing for a clean gown. As the on call doctor entered the room she quickly grabbed the blanket and covered herself not feeling secure with just the gown. The child visibly shook as the doctor approached. The doctor excused herself and disappeared. Another doctor soon appeared but this time it was a man. He quietly examined Sara taking great care with her arm._

_X-rays were ordered and then read. An old fracture along with a new one appeared on the screen. There were other old injuries that were recorded for the deposition. Sara was then given a cast for the wrist and soon she was standing there with new clothes._

"_Sara, do you know how you got the blood on your clothes?" asked the doctor._

"_I washed the floors….momma expects the kitchen to be clean each night….I forgot to take out the trash and daddy….there was blood on the floor….he didn't mean it….it just kept coming out….could I go now…I want to be with him." She said in a soft voice._

"_Your father is dead, Sara. Didn't anyone tell you?" asked the doctor._

"_I want to be with him," she said._

_The doctor looked at the nurse and then back at Sara._

"_Your social worker will be back soon….she's going to take you to a nice foster home, okay?" asked the doctor._

_Sara said nothing but sat there with her hands folded in her lap._

"_Would you like to see your mother?" asked the doctor._

_Sara trembled and stood there as the urine leaked down into her shoes. _

_The doctor quickly motioned for the nurse to get some more clothes._

"_I'm sorry Sara. You don't have to see your mother," said the doctor. "I'll write that in the report. Okay?"_

_Sara nodded._

He stood pulling her up with him. He led her to the car opening the door and she slid inside. She felt the door closing and soon they were leaving the cemetery. She said nothing as he drove back to the beach house. Once they arrived, he opened the car door once again, leading her to the door. She fumbled with the keys and he took them from her trembling hands. Once inside, he built up the fire and sat her down in front of it placing her favorite worn out blanket around her. She could hear running water as she sat there staring into the fire.

She was led to the bathroom where a bath waited for her. Lavender floated in the air. She stood there slowly trying to undress but found her hands not cooperating. He found himself undressing her now as the top was removed followed by the bra and then the pants and the panties. He helped her step into the water and he sat there with her as she soaked, slowly feeling the tension from the day leave her body. She stared at her arm and then rubbed it.

"Does it hurt?" he asked. "You were supposed to follow up with the physical therapy. Did you?"

She shook her head.

She glanced at him briefly knowing he would have his disapproving glare.

"She hurt my arm…the day she killed my father," she said softly.

He was wondering how to approach the subject and now she was giving him the opportunity.

"Remember much?" he asked.

"Remembered too much," she admitted letting a tear slip down her cheek. She didn't bother to wipe it away. He did that for her. He expected more to follow but none came. Her exhaustion prevented her body from feeling much more. Sometimes exhaustion was not a bad thing.

He knelt on the floor and picked up the sponge. He gently ran it across her arms and then her back. She closed her eyes and let him wash her. There was not a single place that went untouched and once he was done she was completely exhausted. She stood and he helped her out wrapping her in a towel. She dropped the towel at the edge of the bed and slipped beneath the covers not bothering with any clothing.

There would be no need since she would have them removed by him as he did his own. He offered sleep but sleep was not what she needed. She needed to feel him inside her as she tried to process the memories that she had let surface today. They had been painful and raw. Now, she needed healing and she sought comfort from his lovemaking.

He worried about her as she lay there sleeping. The trip had drained her completely leaving very little strength from within. He had gently made love to her and then settled her into his arms holding her protectively while she slept. If there was any consolation, the event did give way for sleep. As the hours passed, he slipped out of bed and took inventory of the beach house. They would need groceries as he stared at the partial items in the fridge and the cupboards. He had learned she had leased the beach house for six months paying in advance.

He took refuge in knowing where she would be for the next four months. Even though they were now married, she had not mentioned of returning to Vegas. He knew he would soon have to go back and he did not like the idea of leaving her alone. He wondered how she would have managed today if he had not been there. He could not imagine her condition after seeing her mother. He glanced back into the bedroom when he heard her stir. He had no sooner sat down on the bed than she woke.

"Hey," he said softly.

She smiled slightly as she rolled over and placed her head into his lap. He stroked her hair as they remained like that for several minutes.

"We need groceries," he said. "Feel like a trip into town?"

She shook her head.

He didn't push.

"Want to tell me about what you remembered?" he asked.

"I remembered I didn't help him," she said. "I remembered I hid instead of trying to protect him…he died trying to protect me."

He held her tight as the tears finally came. He said nothing but let her cry. She had never liked to cry in front of him. She felt it was a sign of weakness. He felt it was a sign of strength. He had never been strong enough to let his emotions go. There was always something about her that tugged at his heart. She had cried before. She had even lashed out at him when she had been reduced to tears on the job. It was one of those moments that she had wished she was like him.

"_I wish I were like you Grissom"_

"_I wish I didn't feel anything."_

The first time she had really broke down, it had unnerved him. It had been a dark time in their relationship following the DUI and then Ecklie's desire to have her fired. He had refused and instead had gone to see her. It was uncharacteristic of him but he had to see her. He had to know why she had been so angry. He wasn't prepared to hear about her father's death. It had been difficult for him to sit there and listen while she poured out each hurtful event. Here he was now sitting with her once again while she faced the same horrific event. He hadn't expected her to talk about it but she slowly did giving minute details of the events.

There was the crashing of the dishes, the twisting of her arm, the loss of the book, the hiding under the table, the attempt of her father to protect her, the fall, the first chest wound that had been accidently followed by the deliberate one resulting in his death and she said all this while he rocked her back and forth. The tears returned once again when she got to the part where she had asked to go with her father but the kind officer had told her she couldn't live with the dead.

"It's ironic," she sobbed out. "I lived with the dead anyway."

"I'm sorry honey…so sorry," he whispered.

"He had blue eyes….the officer…like you," she said. "His hands were warm and soft and he had blue eyes."

He held her tight.

Note from author:

I think I am back fully recovered…I have fixed the problem with the spacing issue or at least I hope I have. If you notice anything odd, please send me a private message and let me know. The odd thing is when I review the chapter as it is being posted, it looks great and still looks fine when I view it but a wonderful reader told me the problem still existed so we worked on it yesterday. Thanks for the reviews! I may increase to two chapters a day.

Take care,

Penny


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven:**

He wasn't sure when he had fallen asleep but he woke to find her clutching his shirt while she slept. He tried to gently unravel their legs but finally gave up when she moaned and clutched tighter. He decided he was needed there and dismissed trying to cook dinner. She woke suddenly and he felt a slight tremble.

"Sara?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep again. You must be hungry," she said.

"How about you?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"You haven't eaten since breakfast," he said. He sat up, pulling her with him.

"Get dressed," he said.

She did what she was told sitting there on the edge of the bed not sure what he wanted to do.

"We're getting out for awhile," he said.

She glanced at him but said nothing as she slipped on her shoes.

They ate at a small diner along the beach. He purposely ordered for both of them and he insisted that she eat before they could leave. Once the task was done, they dropped off at the local market and picked up groceries. She said nothing as he loaded up the grocery cart knowing that he would not be staying to eat the food.

_He thinks I'm not going to eat once he leaves again…_

_Going to stock the beach house before he leaves…._

_He's going to leave soon…_

She glanced at him once or twice but said nothing. Once they returned to the house, he put the things away as she sat out on the deck and watched the ocean. He stood there now in the doorway as she finally turned to face him.

"When do you leave?" she asked.

"In two days," he said softly.

She didn't expect it to be so soon. She turned quickly to hide the disappointment.

"You could come with me," he said.

She shook her head.

"I could stay," he offered.

She shook her head.

He sighed.

"What are your plans?" he asked coming to sit beside her.

"Stay here," she said.

"Sara, you've visited your parents…what's left?"

"I'm not sure….I just know I can't go back yet," she said.

He nodded. It wasn't the answer he wanted but at least when he went back he would know where to find her.

"You'll stay in contact?" he asked.

She nodded.

"I'll miss you," she said quietly.

"Walk with me," he said as he extended this hand.

She stood as he took her hand and they walked along the beach. The wind was cool but she felt warm by his side. As they walked he told her quietly how each of them had been trying to cope.

"Sara, you should call Jim. He's been worried," he said rubbing his fingers against her hand.

"I will."

The walk had been good and when they finally returned, they were both exhausted. He pulled her down on the couch with him once he had put more wood on the fire.

"Your phone hasn't rung since you've been here," she said.

"I turned it off," he said. "I didn't want to be disturbed."

"What if they've been trying to reach you?" she asked.

He sighed picking up his phone and then checking the messages.

"None," he said.

"Really?" she asked.

"I think they knew I needed a break. I seemed to have lost my diversion."

"Your diversion? I thought you rode roller coasters."

"I used to ride roller coasters…then I changed it. You became my diversion."

She smiled.

"Gil?"

"Hmmm?"

"The letter I left you? I really meant it when I said you were the only home I've ever had," she said.

He smiled and pulled her closer.

She woke the next morning and found him gone. She grabbed his robe and then headed onto the deck. It was a nice sunny day. She smiled when she heard him return. She called to him and he stepped out onto the deck with a smile on his face.

"Where've you been so early in the morning?" she asked.

"Getting you something," he said handing her the bag.

She opened it and looked at him.

"I want to hear your voice," he said. "Email won't do."

She took out the phone and grinned.

"You're signed up under my plan…you can call me anytime…I've even programmed your phone for you with all the old numbers…just a click of a button and you've got me," he said smiling.

She smiled.

"You could also text me…of course I'm still trying to figure that out on my own phone," he said.

She smiled as he came and sat down next to her.

"Sleep better?" he asked.

She nodded.

She had slept better these last few days since his arrival. She had missed sleeping with him. She tried not to think that soon he would be gone and she would be alone again.

_He's preparing for it….._

_Stocking the house with groceries…._

_Getting the phone…_

"Gil?"

He turned to look at her.

"I'm glad you came. I needed this," she said.

He held up her hand and kissed the palm.

"Me too," he said softly.

"I would go back if I could," she said. "I'm not ready."

He nodded.

"Soon?" he said in a questioning way.

"Soon," she replied.

He believed it.

He had to believe it.

His finger twirled the gold band around his finger and he swallowed hard. She belonged to him now just as he had always belonged to her. He feared for her and yet he knew he would have to leave her there to face the rest of her inner demons on her own. It was not what he wanted but he had only been given a few days off and already he was past the time he should be back. Work did not matter at the moment. It had merely been a diversion until finding her again. He was concerned about the others since the stress level in the lab had been at an all time high. He feared mostly for Warrick since he was slowly shutting himself off. He had no intention of letting his job replace her from his top priority and intended to return the moment he got a chance. He glanced at her as he reached over and kissed her.

"Omelet?" He offered.

She smiled.

"I'm going to miss your omelets," she said.

"I hope you miss more than that," he said with a grin as he got up and headed inside.

He tried to hide his fear and sadness. He did not want to leave her. He barely functioned when he was not with her. He needed her from the moment he woke till the time he slept and soon he would be without her again. He smiled in her direction and told himself to be thankful for the moment.

They spent the rest of the day in bed. He pulled out his book he had brought and read to her. She had missed his voice. When nothing else made sense, it was his voice that calmed her inner struggles keeping her grounded for so many months after the abduction. She closed her eyes as she lay curled up next to him. She savored every touch, every feel and every inflection in his voice, telling herself she would go on when he left. She just didn't convince herself as the hours quickly passed and soon they were once again facing goodbye.

Note from author:

Thanks so much for the reviews.

Take care,

Penny


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve:**

Neither liked saying it so they didn't. He promised to call once he got in and she promised to eat that evening even though he was not there. She stood there as he placed his suitcase into the Denali.

"I'll miss you," he said.

She nodded not wanting to let the tears fall just yet. There would be plenty of time once he was no longer in sight. She cursed at herself for not being strong enough to return with him.

"Sara, I'm going to submit the paperwork to show we're married," he said not wanting to know if she objected or not.

She shuffled her feet.

"Your leave will be running out soon. I'll switch you over to my insurance…there won't be any lapse. If you need…"

"I'm fine," she said as she pulled him close to her.

"Call me…any time day or night if you need me…I can be here…just tell me," he said.

She nodded.

"Gil?"

He looked at her.

"I'm not ready to face the others just yet," she said.

"I'll tell them," he said.

She swallowed hard as she felt him release her. This was it. It was time to say goodbye once more.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too," she replied.

He stood there a moment looking out over the water before kissing her one last time and then drove away. She waited until he was out of sight before returning inside to curl up on the couch letting the tears come now.

He showed up on Greg's doorstep and knocked. The young man opened the door and glanced around. Without a word, he called Hank and then picked up the items he had left.

"How's Sara?" Greg asked.

"She's good," Grissom said and walked away.

"Is that it?" he asked. "Is she coming back?"

"Greg, she needs to work out some things….she'll come home when she's ready," he said and with that he left.

The townhouse was quiet as he unpacked. With each item that was removed, he wanted to throw it all back into the suitcase and go back. He sat down on the bed and breathed in deeply. He knew it was going to be hard but he didn't know it would be this hard. He had been home only a few hours and yet he missed her. He missed her with a terrible longing and the melancholy engulfed him. He quickly picked up the phone and dialed her number. He lay back and closed his eyes when he heard her voice.

"Hey," she said softly trying to hide the desolation in her voice.

"I'm trying to unpack," he said.

"I'm trying to adjust to being along again," she said.

There was a silence and they both struggled with their emotions.

"Good drive?" she asked.

"I didn't speed," he said.

"Going in tonight?" she asked.

"I'm off but I think I'll go in for awhile," he said. "Check on some paperwork."

"You should rest," she said. "Take Hank for a walk…you got Hank back, right?"

"Yes I did."

"I should let you get back to unpacking," she said.

"Sara, I called. If I wanted to unpack I wouldn't have called."

She smiled. "I miss you too."

"Have you eaten?" he asked.

She hadn't.

He walked her through the motions of getting out the food from the fridge.

He did the same.

They both sat down and began to eat while they chatted.

Once dinner was over, they continued to chat while cleaning up the mess.

He then put the leash on Hank and stepped outside.

"Does he still want to chase the neighbor's cat?" she asked now lying on the couch.

"The cat disappeared," said Grissom. "Hank was a suspect until they found him at the pound."

"Hank likes cats. He just likes to chase them."

"The cat comes to greet him now," said Grissom.

"Good," said Sara as she tried to visualize the reunion.

"Do you turn him loose in the park?" she asked.

"Sara, he never came back for me. He did that for you only," he said as he walked along enjoying the walk.

"You should try," she said. "He likes to run free."

"He'll have to wait until you come home. I'm too old to chase him," he said.

"You're not old," she said.

He decided to let the subject drop.

"We have new neighbors," he said.

"The Petersen house sold?" she asked.

"Yes."

"So who moved in?" she asked.

"A couple. They have a baby," he said. "Hank likes to lick the baby."

"They don't mind?" she asked.

"The mother doesn't seem to mind," he said. They haven't been out the last couple of days. I heard they have the flu."

"Any other news?" she asked opening the door as she stepped out onto the deck.

"Mrs. Johnson said hello. I told her you were visiting relatives. She misses you. She's been giving Hank biscuits," he said now wishing he has not said anything.

"She gives him too much. He shouldn't be eating more than two," she said as she stepped into the sand.

He glanced down at Hank as he waddled.

_Better put you on a diet before she gets home…_

"I'll be sure and tell her," he said.

He stood there now in the park with Hank.

She stood there now on the beach.

"What do you see?" he asked.

"I see sea gulls flying above. It's a bit windy today. The beach is empty….wait, I see the Martins with their dog," she said as she returned the wave.

"Was that the older couple four houses down?" he asked.

"Yes."

"I liked them."

"You liked her dessert," she said.

"I liked them also," he said with a grin.

"What do you see?" she asked.

"The park is pretty full today. The poodle is here…the one that likes to tease Hank. You know he used to be better on the leash," he said as he held on tightly.

"You should turn him loose. He'll come back," she said.

"He'll leave me the minute I release him," he said.

"I didn't," she said.

"No, you didn't," he said with a grin. "You love me…he looks at me as a meal ticket. He loves you."

Their conversations continued.

It continued until he was back inside the townhouse.

"Thanks for going on the walk with me," he said.

"You're welcome," she said as she stepped back inside.

"Care to read a little?" he asked.

She smiled.

She pulled his robe around her and curled up with a blanket on the bed.

"Ready."

He began to recite one of the many poems in her book. He finished and she smiled.

"I love to hear your voice," she said.

"Your turn," he said.

She pulled out his book and began to read a portion of "Walden's Pond."

It was nice spending time together.

"Night," she whispered. "Be safe."

"Night Mrs. Grissom," he whispered. "Sleep….dream of us."

She smiled and he felt it despite the distance that lay between them.

Note from author:

Here is the first chapter for the day. I will post again in the evening. Thanks so much for the reviews. I have really enjoyed every single one.

Take care,

Penny


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen:**

He breathed in deeply as he stepped back into the lab and tried his best to get into work mode. He stuck his hands into his pockets as he stood there and listened to Greg rattle on about evidence inconsistent with the crime scene. He didn't care. He didn't know the case. He didn't know the victim. He didn't want to at that moment. He just wanted a moment in which he could walk into his office, shut the door and then tell himself he was now a married man. Everything had changed. He felt the gold band on his finger and he found his other fingers fondling it.

He pulled out the completed paperwork and hand delivered it to personnel. As he walked away, he felt a slight grin tug at his mouth as he hurried back to the lab. He knew they would all be waiting there with the questions. He had answers now. He had lots of them but he did not want to share. They were his and his alone. He did not want anything to hinder the precious relationship that had been reestablished.

The assignments were handed out and then he was out of the room before the first question could be tossed out. They stared at one another as they watched him walk away. He stood now in an autopsy. He glanced at the body while he read the report and he noticed how the victim's left finger was discolored.

"Did the victim wear a wedding ring?" he asked to Doc.

"Yes. It's part of her effects," he said.

"Husband been notified?" he asked.

"Still trying to locate him….they were separated," he said.

He nodded slightly.

_We're not separated…._

_We're just apart…._

_She's on a trip…_

_She's coming back…_

"Gil?"

"Hmmm?"

"You okay?" asked Doc.

"Yes," he said as he turned and headed out of the morgue.

_I'm fine…_

_I'm married and I know where she is…_

_She's fine…_

He found himself once more listening to Nick and Greg continue their argument about the evidence.

_The ring fits my finger…_

_It doesn't bother me like I thought it would…_

_It's no burden…_

_It's part of me…_

_Part of our vows…_

_To honor and cherish…_

"Griss?"

"Hmmmm?"

"What do you think?' asked Nick.

"I think the two of you need to work this out," said Grissom as he headed out the door and to the break room.

He opened the cabinet and started to reach for a coffee cup.

Her old cup still remained.

He took it and filled it.

It warmed him.

The ring caught the lighting and it glistened.

"When were you going to tell anyone you were married?" asked Brass.

"I wasn't hiding it," he said with a grin.

"The ring looks good on your finger," Brass said as he extended his hand.

He shook it.

"I don't need to ask about Sara. The ring speaks volumes," he said.

Grissom smiled.

"Did you need something?"

"I was coming to pump you for information. The others called and said you told them nothing."

"They didn't ask," said Grissom taking a sip of coffee.

"They were afraid," said Brass.

"She's good," said Grissom.

"I'm glad," he said.

He continued to sip the coffee.

Brass stared at the ring.

He grinned. "She really is fine, isn't she?"

"She still needs some time to herself," he said.

He turned to leave but stopped.

"Dinner at the diner later to celebrate?" Brass asked.

He nodded.

Grissom said nothing as he walked in and slid into his regular spot.

He opened the menu and tried to concentrate but the others would have none of it.

"You could have told us," said Catherine.

"Your investigators," he said. "I wasn't hiding anything."

"Congratulations," said Warrick and Nick in unison.

Grissom smiled as he shook their hand.

Greg said nothing but extended his hand.

After a glance or two, Grissom spoke, "She misses everyone. She'll be in contact when she can."

They understood.

She wasn't ready.

They could wait.

He sat there on the bed with Hank by his side.

He had survived twenty four hours without her.

He sighed.

He counted the minutes on his clock and waited.

He smiled when his phone rang.

"Sleep well?" he asked.

"Better," she said.

She had.

"What are your plans for today?" he asked.

"Making sand castles," she said.

"I'm envious," he said.

"A couple is spending their vacation here for a week," she said. "Their son reminds me of you."

"Me?"

"I caught him examining a dead fish. He did a thorough autopsy. His mother didn't like it. I talked with her," she said.

"Did you explain it was normal curiosity…"

"I told her about you," said Sara with a smile.

"And she's not going to put her son in therapy?" he teased.

"He wants to make a sandcastle. I agreed to help," she said.

"Going to do the whole moat and…"

"What's a castle without a moat," she said.

He grinned.

"I wish I was there," he said.

"Me too," she said.

"Text me a picture," he said.

"I'll do that," she said.

"Had breakfast?" he asked.

"I was waiting for you," she said.

"So what is it today?" he asked as he hurried to the kitchen.

"I was going to try waffles," she said.

He fumbled through the shelves.

"Ready?" he asked.

They each cook their waffles timing it perfectly so that they sat down together hundreds of miles away to eat the same meal.

"I think I'm getting better," she said.

"Good," he whispered.

He took a bite with each bite she took.

"Done?" he asked.

"Finished," she said.

They cleared away the dishes.

"Taken your medicine?" she asked.

He reached for his blood pressure medicine and took it.

"Vitamins?" he asked.

"Done," she said.

He returned to the bedroom and lay down.

She slipped on her jacket and stepped out onto the deck.

"Sleep well," she said.

"Play fair," he said.

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"I dreamed about us," she said. "It was a good dream."

He swallowed the lump forming in his throat.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too," she said.

Note from author:

I like the fluff too but I feel something in the air…Please continue with the reviews.

Take care,

Penny


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen:**

He didn't know if he should tell her.

His words haunted him.

_No more secrets…_

He was angry with Warrick. He could see that the young man was in trouble and yet he could not seem to say the right words. Warrick stood to lose his job as well as his freedom. He had warned him over and over.

He didn't even know Warrick had been taking sleeping pills until Warrick let it slip when he talked about his last encounter with Sara.

"She knew the stuff," said Warrick. "I didn't even ask if she had trouble sleeping."

_I knew…_

_Yet, I said nothing…_

"Look Griss. I know this hasn't been easy for the unit," said Warrick.

"Stay away from Gedda," warned Grissom.

"You know he's nothing but…"

"If you want to keep your job Warrick, you'll stay clear of anything that has to do with Gedda."

"So he just walks free," yelled Warrick.

"Do your job…go home…stay away from the sleeping pills…alcohol…I'm referring you to a PEAP counselor," said Grissom.

"You think that's going to help me?" he yelled.

"Warrick, let this go."

He grabbed the slip and stormed out of the office.

Grissom leaned back.

His head was pounding.

He was worried about Warrick.

He knew he couldn't babysit him.

_He listened to Sara…_

_I can't replace Sara…_

Grissom suspended him when he refused to back off. He had no choice and yet he felt as if he had just made a grave mistake with Warrick. He couldn't think about that right now. He didn't want to focus on work. He wanted to focus on Sara.

She had kept in contact.

The phone calls came regular but she seemed odd at times.

He had been tempted several times to hop on the first flight and check on her but he knew that was not what she wanted. In fact, she had been adamant about no further contact. She was going to get through this and return soon. He had to believe that.

When the office seemed to be spiraling downward, he could not bring himself to discuss it with Sara. He wanted her to focus on the past and he certainly didn't want to burden her with the lab's problems especially the problems with Warrick. He wanted her to get better and come home. He needed her home. He hated the deception but he also knew that she would come back for all of the wrong reasons. Sara needed to come back when she was ready. By the sound of her voice, she was far from ready. He told himself he had handled worse problems before by himself. He was different now.

He missed having her in his arms.

He missed confiding in her.

It was shifts like this when they locked themselves away from the world inside their bedroom and held tight to one another. She seemed to know just what to say or do that calmed him. He wanted to be with her now. He needed to be with her now. For the first time since his career, he dreaded coming into work. He took no pleasure in solving a case and he dreaded facing another crime scene.

_Is this what Sara felt?_

_I never realized how much I leaned on her…_

_She gave both of us strength…_

She was no longer there now and he felt it every minute and second of the day.

The last few nights he had worked until he passed out on the couch.

Hank had lain next to the couch and whined.

He neglected the poor dog more and more.

There were few walks and he could not seem to bring himself to play with him.

That had been Sara's department.

He had gotten the dog for her.

The dog seemed to be in his own mourning as he ate little and seemed fitful when Grissom left each day.

They were both struggling with her absence.

Her phone call startled him out of his sleep as he grabbed it accidently kicking Hank when he sat up.

"What's wrong with Hank?" she asked.

"I'm sorry. I fell asleep on the couch. I accidently hit him when I woke up," said Grissom.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

She had seen the headlines. Vegas had more than their share of dead bodies right now. Things did not sound good for the unit. While she did not know about Warrick, she still sensed something was wrong. She had thought about calling the others but then there would be questions about herself and she was not prepared to answer them right now.

"It was a long shift," he said. "I got in late…just dozed off on the couch."

"You sound tired," she said.

"I am."

"I'm sorry I woke you. I just wanted to hear your voice," she said.

He sat up straight.

"Are you alright?" he asked suddenly.

"I just miss you."

_Come home Sara…_

_I need you to come home soon…_

"Miss you too."

"Gil?"

"Hmm"

"You would tell me if there's something wrong…wouldn't you?" she asked.

_How can I tell you the lab is falling apart?_

_I suspended Warrick…_

_He's disintegrating before my eyes and I don't know how to help him…_

_How do I tell you that I don't know how to manage without you?_

_How I feel guilty for relying on you so much…_

_I feel responsible for the burnout…_

"Hank is whining at the door. I didn't take him out when I got home," he said.

"Don't get on to him if he has an accident," she said.

"I won't."

"Rub him behind his ears," she said. "Don't forget to check the calendar for his yearly check up. It should be coming up."

"I will."

He hung up as he grabbed the leash.

_The appointment was a month ago…_

_I forgot…_

_Forgetting a lot of things…_

_Like what it feels like to sleep a full eight hours…_

_Hold my wife…_

_Love my wife…_

_Talk with my wife…._

_Really talk…_

He cursed.

He didn't like feeling this way.

He felt off balance.

He had not felt this way since he had discovered Sara was dating Hank Pettigrew. He spent most of his time hiding his feelings as he dove deeper and deeper into his work. He even tried dating but failed miserably. He wanted Sara but would not let himself have her. The thought of her with another man made him angry and he took it out on her from time to time. Despite his behavior, she was always there by his side when he needed her.

She wasn't there now.

He got into his car and drove.

He had not even bothered to call first.

Hours passed before he drove up and parked.

He knocked lightly on the door.

He had given little thought to what he would say.

He had no idea why he suddenly had decided to throw caution to the wind and wind up on her doorstep.

He needed to confide in someone.

He didn't trust anyone except Sara.

That wasn't exactly true.

He turned to leave but the door opened and she was there suddenly in front of him.

Her arms wrapped around him.

"I've been waiting for you to come," she whispered.

"Hello, Heather. It's been a long time," said Grissom as he stepped inside.

Note from author:

I know. I am about to be overrun with hate mail. I have placed a shield of protection around myself and my computer. Remember, have I ever let you down? Okay, so I do add more angst than necessary at times but it keeps you reading. LOL

Take care,

Penny


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen:**

They talked for hours.

Heather seemed quite knowledgeable about the lab.

She knew about Gedda.

She even knew about Warrick and voiced her concern about his well being.

It was good to talk.

He spoke about the office coverage.

He spoke about the fall out when everyone discovered his relationship with Sara.

He even spoke about the abduction and how she had returned to work too quickly but he had been too focused on the department's knowledge of the relationship.

"Was she treated differently than the others while she was under your supervision?" asked Heather.

"Yes. I think I treated her more harshly," said Grissom.

"The fact that no one knew about the relationship is proof that you both acted professional," she said.

He smiled.

Sara had said the same thing but he had been too preoccupied with adjusting to the fact that his personal life was no longer private.

He said everything except that she had left.

"I understand Ms. Sidle resigned," said Heather.

Grissom sipped on the coffee. "She needed some time off. She's gone to California for awhile."

"And now you feel lost and disjointed because she left you."

He said nothing.

Sometimes he did not like for Heather to be so direct especially when it involved him.

Heather glanced down at the ring on his finger.

"You married her," she said.

"Yes, I did," he said.

"Was this before or after she left?" asked Heather.

"I proposed before she left and she said yes. We married a few weeks ago," he said.

"These conversations are usually done with a loved one and yet you're here with me," she said.

He sipped once more.

"She went away because she's having some personal issues. I sensed that when I talked with her in the hospital," said Heather. "She's very kind but she carries her past like a shroud."

His eyes locked with hers.

"You want to save her," she said.

"Sara is fine. She just needs a break."

"You're here because you'd grown used to sharing your personal feelings with her but now you can't because you're trying to protect her. Are you afraid she might break?"

Grissom said nothing.

"I can assure you, Sara is quite strong," said Heather.

"She's been strong enough," he said softly.

"Do you think she will understand if she discovers you're hiding this from her?"

"No."

"You're taking quite a risk," said Heather.

"I'll take my chances," he said.

"You look tired. Why don't you lie back on the couch? I promise your secret is safe with me."

He knew it was.

He trusted Heather.

She would protect him.

She was a good friend but she was also more than that.

His feelings ran deep when it came to Lady Heather.

She understood him like Sara did.

She did not judge him.

It was this understanding and the need to take care of one another that kept them in this relationship.

It was the reason he was there now.

He needed someone.

He took her advice as he slept.

He knew she would wake him before shift.

He breathed in deeply as a soft "thank you" slipped from his lips as he felt a blanket tossed across his body. He said nothing as soft lips touched his forehead. He was safe. He could sleep knowing that someone watched over him at the moment. It wasn't Sara but it would have to do.

He needed the rest.

He still worried for Sara.

He had Heather.

Sara was alone.

He felt the slight brush of her hand against his cheek.

He was in the middle of a wonderful dream and he did not wish to be disturbed. He swiped at the annoyance and even grabbed the hand but quickly jerked awake.

"You have two hours before shift," Heather said. "I thought you should eat something before going home to get ready for shift."

He rose quickly and glanced at the clock.

The coffee table contained a plate.

She handed him a napkin with silverware as she poured him a cup of coffee.

"Feeling better?" she asked.

"Yes, thank you," he said as he took the coffee.

"I wasn't sure what you would like so I had my cook make a little of everything," she said.

He smiled as he ate a piece of bacon.

"Sara is a vegetarian," he said as he finished off the bacon. "This is very good."

She sipped on her coffee as she watched him clean the plate.

"I'm glad to see you have a good appetite," she said.

"This was very nice. I will have to repay the kindness soon…perhaps dinner," he said.

"I'll hold you to that," she said as she smiled. "I think there's a new restaurant that has opened on the strip."

He stood and headed to the door.

"Gil?"

He turned.

"She's a very lucky woman," she said. "Not every man can identify his lover's hands. You knew immediately that it wasn't Sara."

He nodded slowly.

"Take care of yourself," she said.

He managed to get to work an hour before shift. He had jumped into the shower while Hank played in the back yard. Once the dog was fed, he was back out the door. He glanced down at his phone and frowned.

He had missed two calls.

They were from Sara.

He jumped when he heard Jim's voice.

He bellowed his name as he hurried down the hall.

"Where the hell have you been?" he asked.

"Good to see you Jim," said Grissom.

He followed Grissom inside his office and shut the door.

"I know you must miss Sara. Hell, I miss her but you can't imagine my surprise when I drove by a certain dominatrix home and saw your vehicle."

Grissom sat down and tried to ignore the man's glare.

Grissom said sitting down. "It was a…"

"Let me guess. I think you called it a social call last time. Is that what you call it these days? Imagine my surprise also when Sara called me," said Brass.

It got his attention.

His eyes jerked up from his desk and stared at Brass.

"It seems she was a little worried when she couldn't reach you. She thought you might be pulling a double and wanted me to check on you," said Brass.

"Is she alright?" he asked.

"Do you care?"

"Is she alright?" he asked again.

"She was worried…about you," Brass said. "You're with Lady Heather and she's worried about you."

"Did you…tell her?" he asked quietly.

"I care too much for Sara to hurt her! What the hell were you thinking?" yelled Brass.

"Heather is a friend…nothing more," said Grissom.

"So why were you scared shitless that I might have told Sara where you were?"

"She might not understand," he said.

"What is there to understand?" asked Brass. "You're married for Christ's sake! She doesn't need to worry about this."

"No, she doesn't…just like everything that is going on here in the lab…she doesn't need to know," said Grissom.

"Look if you need to sound off on someone, give me a call…don't go to Heather," warned Brass.

He leaned back into his chair.

He quickly called her cell and he cursed when there was no answer.

He tried again.

He was still trying as he grabbed the assignments and headed to the conference room.

He was about to give up when she answered.

He glanced up to find all eyes on him.

"Hey," he said. "I'm sorry I missed your calls."

"Are you okay?" she asked quickly.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"I talked with Brass," she said.

He froze.

He had no idea what Brass had said.

"He told me," said Grissom. "Are you alright?"

"Yes…Gil, is there something wrong?" she asked.

It was his chance to confess.

He glanced around the room.

Warrick's seat was empty.

Nick whispered softly to Catherine as he glanced in Grissom's direction.

He knew word had gotten out about the suspension.

He glanced toward Greg who threw a glare in his direction.

_One dysfunctional unit…_

Judy rushed back with additional information about Warrick. It was not good. His PEAP counselor was on the line for him.

"Everything is fine," he said. "I'll talk to you soon."

Sara leaned back in the seat.

_Don't worry…_

_He said there would be no more secrets…_

Note from author:

Yeah…he's digging the hole pretty deep but he is innocent…just dense when it comes to women…

Take care,

Penny


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen:**

There had been an epidemic of the flu cases throughout the lab but he knew it wasn't just the flu. He refused to admit he was seriously ill as he processed the crime scene. When he had pulled himself out of the bed that evening and shivered he told himself to stay home. It would have been best but then he would lie there and spend the next several hours thinking about her and he decided that working while being sick wasn't such a bad thing after all.

He managed to get to work on time although by his standards he was late. He kept his jacket on while the others sat there receiving the assignments. His hands remained wrapped around the coffee cup seeking its warmth. He felt a slight chill and he tried to ignore the shiver. Catherine glanced at him once or twice but said nothing.

He leaned against the Denali and closed his eyes resisting the tightness in his chest. The action did not go unnoticed by Brass. He picked up his kit and headed to the crime scene. He chose the room farthest from the others and crouched down pulling on his gloves. He had not been working long when his coughing forced him to sit down on the floor.

"How long have you've been sick?" Brass asked.

"It's just a cold," said Grissom.

"Is that what you're calling it?" he asked as he stood there.

Grissom coughed and then bent his head back down to focus on the evidence.

"Been to the doctor?" Brass asked.

He glanced up and continued working.

"If Sara was here, she would…"

"Sara's not here," he grumbled as he got up and coughed.

"Talked with her?" asked Brass.

"Do you mind? I'm trying to work?" he asked now irritated by the interruptions.

Brass stepped away.

Grissom wiped his brow and coughed once more trying to breathe deeply. His main concern was to finish the case so he could go home. It had been his goal for the last sixteen hours. As the hours passed he found himself in trouble. It wasn't a cold. Hell, it wasn't even the flu. He could take the flu. He had worked with the flu before but not pneumonia. He felt the tightness in his chest as he coughed forcing him to sit down abruptly.

The action did not go unnoticed by the others as they whispered to one another. He wiped the beads of sweat from his brow and tried to stand only to be shoved back down by a hand.

"You can go with me or by ambulance but you're going to the hospital," said Brass.

He coughed once more and was handed a bottle of water by Greg.

"Can you stand?" asked Brass.

He glanced around and shook his head.

It brought Warrick and Nick there immediately.

He didn't resist when he felt himself being lifted and then he was in the Denali with Brass at the wheel. He coughed once more and closed his eyes.

"Chest hurts?" Brass asked.

He nodded.

"Stupid bastard."

Grissom ignored the comment as he kept himself focused on the pain.

He stared at the white walls as he refused to be put on a gown.

"Sir, we just need to examine you," said the nurse.

"Examine me. I don't need a gown for that. I'm not staying," he said with arms folded.

Brass chuckled but then he became serious.

"Want me to call Sara?" he warned.

His arms came down and he coughed.

The doctor came in and looked at Grissom.

"How long have you had that cough?" asked Dr. Peters.

"A couple of weeks," he said.

"More like four," said Brass ignoring the looks from Grissom.

The doctor pulled out his stethoscope and listened.

He looked at Grissom.

He turned to the nurse and jotted out instructions.

"X rays of both lungs….how's his blood pressure?" he asked. She handed him the readings and he glanced at Grissom.

"I think it would be good if you stayed overnight…"

"There's no reason for that," said Grissom.

"Mr. Grissom you've got pneumonia in both of your lungs. Your blood pressure is through the roof and you're running a temperature of 102 degrees."

His jaw twitched.

"I'll go home. I'll have my private physician check in on me," he said.

"Must be some physician if he makes house calls," said Dr. Peters.

He stared at Grissom.

"Absolute bed rest for two weeks…nothing else…understood?"

He nodded.

He was exhausted by the time the x rays were completed and the prescriptions were written out. Brass nudged him when they arrived at the townhouse. He wanted nothing more than to lie on the couch but he was directed to the bedroom. He had pills shoved in his hand as he took them with a glass of water and then he was asleep the minute his head hit the pillow. Brass looked around the place and noticed the answering machine blinking. He looked back at the room before hitting the button.

"Hey Griss, this is Catherine. Give me a call if you need anything."

"Grissom, it's Warrick. You okay? Let me know if you need anything."

"Hey Grissom. This is Nick. Listen, give me a call if you need anything. I'm worried about you."

"Griss, Greg here. You want me to take Hank? I mean I can take care of him for awhile. Call me."

"Gil? No need to call back. You didn't sound like yourself last night. Take care of yourself."

He recognized the voice immediately.

It was Sara.

Grissom felt himself floating with the medication and it felt wonderful. He had not slept well in weeks and now his body screamed for rest. He felt a hand on his forehead and for a moment he wanted to curse at Brass for calling her but the thought of having her home made him want to thank the man but then he knew it wasn't Sara. It wasn't her touch and for a moment he contemplated asking them to call her. Disappointment was written on his face when he opened his eyes and faced Catherine.

"Jim called me. How do you feel?" she asked.

He slowly pulled himself up to a sitting position.

"Think you could eat?" she asked.

He nodded.

She left for a moment but returned with a bowl of soup.

"Doc sent over his wife's homemade soup that you love," she said handing him the bowl.

He took and held it as he stared into the bowl.

"You used to like it," she said.

"I'm just tired," he said.

"Here," she said as she handed him his medicine and he took it with the water.

She took the bowl from him and set it on the bed side table.

"Can I get you anything else?" she asked. "Do you need me to do anything….call anyone?"

He knew she was fishing for information about Sara and he closed his eyes.

"Yes…you could. You could feed the animals," he said.

"Animals?" she asked.

He opened his eyes and squinted at her.

"I'm on it," she said.

He reached for the bowl and forced himself to eat. Once he had managed to get half of it down, he slipped back down in the covers and returned to sleep.

When he woke, Catherine had been replaced with Doc.

"So I'm your private physician now," said Doc as he sat there on the edge of the bed.

"I didn't want to be put in a gown and placed in a bed," he mumbled.

"I don't blame you. Let me listen to your lungs," said Doc as he pulled out his stethoscope. He chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"You're alive…I rarely get to use this. It's nice," he said.

Grissom sat there quietly until Doc was done.

"Gil, this isn't anything to play around with. Stay in bed, rest, take your medicine, eat and sleep. Got it?" he asked.

He nodded.

"Got the soup?" asked Doc.

"Thanks," he said.

"Anything I can do…need me to call anyone?"

There is was again.

All he had to do is give them the number and they would call. With one phone call she would be there. He knew it. He was tempted. He really was. He closed his eyes and scooted back down in the bed.

"I'm fine," he said.

He heard the door shut and told himself he would call as soon as they left him alone. He closed his eyes once more and slept.

The next forty eight hours became a blur as he slept through the comings and goings of Catherine and Brass. On the third day, he took their key away and kicked them out. It had not been pleasant as they threatened him.

"I'm getting better. I can take care of myself," he said.

"Gil, you can barely make it out of bed," yelled Catherine.

"I'm up now," he said as he stood there at the door.

"Look, we know you're a private person but you need someone…wait…oh we get it…Jim let's go," said Catherine as she pulled on his arm.

"If you need anything just call," she said smiling.

He closed the door and laid down on the couch not sure he could make it back to the bed room. He heard his phone ring and he looked at the caller ID.

It was her.

It was Sara.

It was his wife, Sara.

He felt like shit.

He coughed once before answering.

"Hey," he said softly.

"You sound awful," she said.

"I've missed you too," he said.

"I was getting worried…rough shift?" she asked.

"A little under the weather…double shift didn't help but I'm better," he said. "I've been sleeping the last two days."

"Two days?" she inquired.

"What have you been doing?" he asked.

She said nothing.

"Sara?"

"Have you been to the doctor?" she asked.

"Yes. I've got drugs and now I'm feeling better," he lied.

"Flu? Upper respiratory infection? What was the diagnosis?" she asked.

"Everyone has been coming down with the flu…be happy you're not here," he said trying to cover the cough.

"Flu huh?" she asked.

"Miss me?" he asked.

"I could come," she offered.

"No….unless you're ready to come back. Sara, do what you need to do and then come home," he said letting the cough slip out.

"You sure you're okay?" she asked.

"Doc sent me over his wife's soup," he said trying to change the subject.

"I've missed you…a lot," she said quietly.

"How about you? Been sleeping and eating like I asked?"

"Sleep still comes and goes….it's better…I kind of stole your robe," she said.

He grinned. "I wondered what happened to it."

"I like to wrap up in it. It smells like you," she said.

He smiled at the image in his head.

"Got it on now?" he asked.

"Nothing else."

His image was quickly modified and he groaned.

"Not nice," he said gruffly.

She laughed.

"Been eating?" he asked.

"At least twice a day…most days," she admitted. "Still can't make an omelet as good as you."

"First day home I'll make you a veggie omelet."

"It's a date."

They each smiled but it soon faded not knowing when that day would come.

"Gil? Are you sure…"

"If you were here, I would just get you sick…Nick and Greg are sick. Warrick and Cath seem to be dodging the bug," he said as he sneezed.

"Gil, I'm sorry…."

"Don't," he said. "You didn't tell me what you've been doing."

"I went back to visit my father's grave….thank you. The headstone looks great. It was very sweet of you," she said swiping at her eyes, thankful he could not see the droplets that fell.

"You doing okay?" he asked.

"I didn't fall apart this time if that's what you're asking," she said. "I'm getting better."

He smiled.

She sounded stronger.

He closed his eyes.

Soon….soon she would come home.

"How long are you going to take off?" she asked.

"A couple of days," he lied again.

"Take off longer…you have the leave," she said.

"I may do that….just sleep. I'm sleeping better these days now that I have you."

She smiled.

"Night," she whispered. "Love you."

"Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you," he said.

"Go to bed," she said.

He closed the phone letting it set on his chest as he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

Sara held the phone in her hand for a moment before punching in the number. She swallowed hard when she heard the familiar voice.

"Brass."

"It's Sara."

"I've been waiting for you to call," he said with a grin.

"I need to talk with you about Grissom. He's sick, isn't he? Much worse than the flu," she said.

"He went to the doctor."

"What was the diagnosis?"

"What everyone else has."

"Bullshit."

He grinned. "I'm not supposed to say."

"Okay so don't. You can tell me if I'm hot or cold…we've played this game before, remember?" she asked.

"Shoot," he said.

"He's got pneumonia, doesn't he?" she asked.

"You always were a great shot," he said.

"Both lungs?" she asked.

"Wouldn't want to face you in a firing range," he said. "How've you been?"

"I'm good. Look, I'm coming back," she said.

"He doesn't want you to…unless you're ready. Are you?" Brass asked.

She wanted to say yes.

She needed to say yes.

She cursed inwardly.

He could feel the hurt.

"He's getting better, really. Catherine and I go by there every day and check on him. He's been taking his medicine and sleeping most of the time. He's stayed away from the lab."

"How long is he supposed to take off?" she asked.

"Two weeks," he said.

"He's really sick….he's never taken off that long," she said.

"Sara, you're leaving taught him a lot. He's paying closer attention to the others…making the others take off when he thinks they're…"

"Burning out?" she finished.

"Yes."

She swallowed the lump in her throat.

"I should be there," she said quietly.

"Take care of yourself. We'll make sure he's fine. I promise."

Note from author:

So I was pleased that I didn't get too much hate mail. LOL. Continue to leave the reviews.

Take care,

Penny


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen:**

He wasn't supposed to be contacted and yet the phone rang. He didn't answer it and started to turn it off but then he thought of Sara and left it on. Brass had been back. He had staked out the townhouse and when no brunette was seen arriving within ten hours, he got suspicious and returned. It was fine. He was feeling better and had the strength now to move about the house without becoming winded. Jim had taken pity on him and had begun dropping off meals each evening.

It was a sort of peace offering. He knew. He also knew the man wanted information about Sara.

"Have you talked with her?" asked Brass.

"Yes."

"You didn't tell her you had pneumonia, did you?" Brass asked.

"She would come home…I don't want that," he said sipping on the hot tea.

"I think the pneumonia has affected your brain because I could swear you said…"

"I want her back when she's ready….not like this," he said motioning to the Kleenex box and the bottles of medicine sitting on the table.

"Is she okay?" he asked.

"She's much better," said Grissom.

"Any reason why she won't talk with the rest of us?" he asked.

"I'll ask her," Grissom said.

"You do that," he said getting up and heading to the door.

"Jim?"

He turned and looked at him.

"She asks about you all the time," he said.

Brass nodded as he left.

He heard the banging as he slowly made his way to the door. He stood there in bath robe as he stared at Catherine.

"We told her no but she's gone to Ecklie and is really pushing for you to handle this case," said Catherine.

"I'm trying to follow doctor's orders," he said.

"Well, I think you need to tell her to stick it," she said looking around.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Just looking to see if you need help with anything," she said.

"I've got help," he said.

"Oh really? Anyone I know?" she asked.

Jim came out of the bedroom and grinned at Catherine. "I've checked the bed sheets and there's no evidence of…"

Grissom gawked at Brass as he chuckled. "Just trying to save her the effort of trying to look for evidence."

"Funny," said Catherine as she turned and walked out but stopped and glanced back. "You need to talk with Ecklie about this case."

"Maddie still insisting on pulling you in on this case?" asked Brass.

"It would appear so," said Grissom as he closed the door.

His medication had a way of knocking him out. He didn't mind so much except he needed to call her. They had stayed too long and refused to leave until he took his medicine and ate something. He wished he had refused as he lay there now between unconsciousness and the need to hear her voice.

He pushed the button and heard the number being called.

He smiled the moment he heard her voice.

"Hey, I was getting worried," she said.

"I had company," he said.

"You okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he said.

"Liar."

"Really…I feel pretty good right now," he said.

"Taken your medicine?" she asked.

"How've you been?" he asked trying to divert the line of questioning.

"You should have told me about the pneumonia," she said.

"Who told you?" he said irritated.

"I guessed it. Gil, you rarely take any time off."

"I'm getting better," he said.

"I should be there," she said feeling guilty for letting her life fall apart.

"You need to be there," he said.

"You need me," she said.

"No, I don't," he said.

He regretted his choice of words.

"I didn't mean it like that," he said. "I need you because I love you….no other reason. I want you to focus on yourself for once…no one else. Sara?"

"I love you," she managed to whisper.

"I love you too," he said closing his eyes.

"Go to sleep," she said.

He knew she would be mad if he admitted he was helping on a case when he should be in bed but Maddie had been persistent and he had always helped in the past.

They were old friends.

His relationship with her spanned the same number of years as his relationship with Brass and Catherine. Despite her roughness, she had been a true friend. When he needed a favor, she was there. She had managed to calm the harshness of the incidents in the past and he was grateful for her friendship. Watching her and Brass struggle through the case made him realize the toil the job placed on their personal lives.

Brass had thought he had caused the death of the witness.

So did Maddie.

In the end his own family had killed him.

It was sad.

He now understood how Sara had felt facing death every day after narrowly escaping it as a child.

It deserved respect.

It also deserved avoidance.

Her phone calls kept him going while he recuperated from the pneumonia. He fell asleep many times to the sound of her voice as she read to him from his book. He knew the book by heart and probably could recite passages and yet it seemed different as her voice gave each word new meaning and depth. It was as if he was listening to the words for the very first time. Her voice was soothing and when his job got to be too much he could shut out the world and listen to her voice inside his head.

As the weeks went by he got better but he sensed there was something different about her. She said nothing but he felt it in the way she spoke about their relationship and their past. It was as if she were trying to put everything in the past.

_Is she trying to put us behind her…_

_We're married…_

_We said vows…_

She mentioned work a few times and even skirted around the subject of needing more than what they had.

_We love each other…_

_We married because of that love…_

_Maybe she realizes I'm not enough…_

_Maybe she thinks I was part of the problem…_

He rolled over and glanced at the clock as soon as the phone rang.

He grabbed it immediately.

"You haven't come by," said Heather. "What happened to our dinner plans?"

"I've been under the weather," he said.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "Have you been to the …"

"Pnuemonia," he said.

"Can I do anything?" she asked.

"You're a good friend," he said.

"How is Sara?" she asked.

He didn't know how to answer.

"You're worried about her," she said.

"Yes, I am."

He closed his eyes as the conversation continued.

He felt better letting the concerns and feelings slip from his mouth. Heather listened quietly adding her own observations about what he wasn't saying.

"You're afraid you won't be there when she needs you the most," she said.

"We almost didn't get to her in the desert," he said.

"It's much more dangerous this time…this time the enemy is herself," said Heather.

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"You've lost someone before…somehow you feel responsible," she said.

"My father died when I was nine. He hadn't been feeling well. I knew it…my mother didn't. He told me to keep it a secret. I did. He went to sleep on the couch and never woke up. I meant to check on him…after I finished this experiment we had started."

"You feel like you're not going to be there for Sara when she really needs you."

He said nothing.

Note from author:

Thanks for the reviews!

Take care,

Penny


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen:**

He dialed her phone again but received her voice mail. It was not like her to turn it off. She had been meticulous about her calls. He expected them and they came on time but now she had missed a deadline and he was worried. He told himself she was probably taking a nap. He was soon caught up in another case and his attention was redirected for a moment.

Sara sat there in the waiting room with hands in lap. She did not want to look around and see the faces of the others who sat just like her and waited for their turn. She wasn't sure why she came. It wasn't true. She knew why she came. She wanted to face the woman one more time and know that she did not have as much power over her as she did before. Now, she was stronger.

She ignored her name the first time but then realized there was no other "Grissom." She stood and headed toward the metal locked doors. As she took her seat, she noticed Laura was already sitting there waiting for her.

"I'm glad you came back," Laura said.

"You sent word you needed to tell me something," she said.

Laura pulled out the book and shoved it through the small opening.

Sara felt her head spin.

It was the book.

It was the book her father had purchased for her on that fatal day.

"How did you…"

"I begged the officers to get it out of the trash and give it to me. I've kept it all these years," she said licking her lips.

Sara sat there staring at it.

"I want you to have it. It's yours," she said as she shoved it closer through the opening.

Sara started to reach for it but hesitated.

"Go on. He wanted you to have it," she said.

"Why didn't you send it to me while I was in foster care?" she asked.

Laura's mouth curled.

It was an expression Sara had inherited.

She hated it now as she saw the expression on her mother's face.

"If I gave it to you, I was afraid you would never come to visit," she said. "It was sort of my way of getting to see how you've grown up."

"Why didn't you give it to me two months ago?" she asked. She was glad her job had taught her to be distrustful. She was sure her mother had a hand in that as well.

"I was hurt. You never came to visit when you were in care. They told me you didn't want to."

It was true.

She had refused.

She had threatened to run away.

It was one time when her therapist had been helpful.

She had not forced Sara to visit. In fact she wrote a report stating it would be detrimental for Sara to come face to face with the person who had physically and emotionally abused her. There was the small matter of killing her father as well.

She pulled the book over to her side and held it in her hand. It was like having a part of him back. She tried not to let her emotions show but having the book meant a lot. She caressed its cover. She had taken good care of it. It was worn slightly. She opened the book to the first page and stared at it. It was blank. There was no note. Her father always signed his gifts. It was a forgery. It was not the same book. She suddenly felt as though a piece of him had been snatched from her again. She swallowed the lump in her throat.

"I took good care of it," Laura said smiling.

"Yes…I can see that," Sara said staring at her mother.

"I would like to be a part of your life again," she said. "I know we can work out our problems now that you're grown. I never was good with kids," she said.

Sara said nothing.

The guard gave the five minute warning.

Laura moved closer.

"I have a parole board hearing in a couple of weeks," she said. "If you could come and speak on my behalf then perhaps I can finally get out of this place. The warden said if I have family who would testify that we were having marital problems…abusive situation…I might get out of here."

There was no more power over her.

Sara returned the same curl of the mouth as she politely told her she would never testify on her behalf but would gladly tell the parole board how she was physically and emotionally abusive to both of them. She would remind them how she had stabbed her father intentionally.

Laura snatched the book back.

"You don't deserve this. I kept this for you all these years and this is what I get for it," she snarled.

Sara stood to leave but turned and looked at her mother.

"That's not the book. My father always wrote notes in every book he gave me….something you never bothered to know."

She turned and left.

She spent the rest of the day sitting by his grave site.

It had been hard facing her once again but Sara had not fallen apart this time. It was the thought of having the book back that hurt. She felt herself giving way to her emotions and she quickly left for the beach house. She rushed in just as the first racking sobs began. She found Grissom's robe and wrapped herself in it as she curled up on the couch. She let herself feel for the first time that day and she crashed.

She did not know when she slept but she remembered when she woke. She rolled over and vomited. She was glad for the hardwood floors as she later knelt and cleaned it up. She had no sooner finished than she was rushing to the bathroom where she remained for another hour. Once she could manage to walk, she went to the kitchen pulling out items from the fridge for a sandwich.

_Nerves again…_

_Need to remember to eat…_

She sat there taking small bites.

It seemed to help.

She managed to get down half of the sandwich.

She glanced at her watch and knew he would be asleep.

She did not call.

He called.

She did not hear the phone as she sat outside.

She soaked in the warmth of what little sun there was that day. As she felt a chill, she returned inside. She curled up on the couch once again and slept. She was startled awake by the ringing of the phone. She grabbed it causing it to fall to the floor.

She opened it and gave herself a moment to get her wits.

"Hey," she whispered.

"I've been worried," he said letting his emotions slip through.

"I'm sorry…could you hold on a minute?" she did not wait for a reply but set the phone down on her chest as she sat there quietly for a moment before bringing the phone back to her.

"I'm sorry…I wasn't here," she said.

"You have a cell phone," he reminded her.

"I had to turn it off," she said not wishing to hear the frustration in his voice.

He stopped to think.

"You went back to the prison," he said.

"Yes."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

She did not sound convincing.

"You told me you weren't going back," he said.

"I wasn't but the warden contacted me. She asked to see me," she said.

"How did the visit go this time?" he asked.

"I shouldn't have gone," she said.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She told him everything. She held back nothing as she told him step by step. She left nothing out understanding this need to be honest and upfront with the man who would share the rest of her life.

"Are you feeling okay now?" he asked.

"I'll be fine. This is no different than last time. She used to give me stomach aches when I was a child. I had an ulcer by the time I entered foster care."

"I could come…"

"No!"

"Why not?" he asked.

He was hurt.

"The same reason you would not let me come when you were sick," she said.

"I had people to care for me…you don't," he pointed out.

"I'm fine…I can take care of myself. I need to," she said.

He didn't like the answer.

He hung on the phone as the silence lengthened.

"Gil?"

"I better get back to work," he said.

"I miss you," she said.

"Get some rest….I miss you too," he said.

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm almost ready to come home," she said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah…I am," she said.

"Good. We'll talk about this in about six hours. Okay?"

"Be safe," she whispered.

He hung up.

She sat the phone on the table and returned to sleep.

Her words gave him hope.

He thought of little else.

Note from author:

There's that feeling again…LOL. Thanks for continuing to read along. Someone asked for the length…I am finishing it. You know me and endings…LOL.

Take care,

Penny


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen:**

His words floated back to her.

_Sara, do you have any diversions?_

He had warned her.

She had tried.

In the end, she had made him her diversion.

It proved to be a mistake.

Natalie proved that.

She had built her life around Grissom.

Besides her work, there was only him.

She saw the fallacy of it now.

When the past came crashing down around her, she did what she had always done and she kept it to herself.

Her diversion was no longer viable.

She had to hide her emotions, her past, her fears and her ghosts from her diversion, Grissom.

"I did get a diversion," she said one night on the phone.

"You never told me," he said as he pulled out a glass and filled it with juice.

"I chose you," she said.

"Sara, I can't be your diversion," he said.

"I know that….now."

"What do you like to do?" he asked.

"I like to chase rabbits," she teased.

He grinned.

"You need something that isn't connected to this job. I'm connected to this job. Hell, Sara before you, I couldn't separate my life from this job."

"So…I became your diversion."

He stood there a moment in thought.

"Yes, I guess you did."

"Why didn't it work for me?"

"You never confided in me. I think it was hard for you to do that since…"

"We worked together?"

"Yes."

She was silent for a moment. She knew the real reason.

"Have you discovered a new diversion?" he asked.

She glanced down at herself.

"Yes…I have."

"Want to tell me?"

"It's not roller coasters," she said with a grin.

"And I was hoping we could ride one together when you came home."

Home…

She wanted to come home.

He hadn't pushed.

In fact, he had not brought it up much.

"Miss me?" she asked.

"Yes."

"I miss you."

He smiled.

"Getting homesick?"

"Ever since I left," she said quietly.

He could feel the sincerity in her voice.

"When you're…"

"Come visit me," she said.

"Visit you?"

"Yes."

"Sara, I uhm…"

_The unit is falling apart…._

_Warrick isn't sleeping…._

_Greg is still going through the motions…_

_Nick…I'm worried about Nick….he seems distant…_

_Brass…He misses you as much as I do…_

_Catherine…she's worried she's going to burn out also…_

"I'll put in the leave request tonight," he said.

"I wouldn't ask now but we need to talk," she said.

He felt the uneasiness return.

Her lease would be expiring soon.

She was either going to come home or move somewhere else.

He wanted her home.

He needed her home.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I've got to go," she said.

"Call me after shift," he said.

"Be safe," she said. "I don't like how close you and Warrick came to that blast."

"Who told you?"

"Brass and I've been talking."

"He never said anything," he said sounding as if he did not want to share her with the others.

"I know. It's our little secret," she said. "Play along."

"Going to tell me what your new diversion might be?" he asked now curious.

"I'll show you when you get here."

She sat there now on the deck and pulled the blanket closer. It was a chilly day. She opened her journal and began to write again. She had been asked to keep a journal with each counseling session and yet she had never bothered to do it until now. The urgency to write out the day's events seemed stronger now and she found she had been doing it for a month now. When sleep did not come, she would reach for the journal rather than a book. She hated to admit it but it was good therapy. It was helping. It was helping in a lot of ways.

For example, it reminded her how much she had eaten that day. She had gotten better at it and Grissom would be proud to see the weight slowing returning. She did not feel frail anymore. Her emotions were written out and she faced them in each and every word that was put on the paper. It helped to sort out the emotions and the feelings and the illness. She documented everything from the time she woke to the time she slept. The pages of her journal were almost full now. She could have done it on computer but she chose to use the journal Grissom had purchased for her.

After Natalie had taken her, he had given it to her in hopes she would use it so he could find out her true feelings. He had only found blank pages instead. She had not been able to face the words before but now she was stronger and she did so without flinching, at least most of the time. It was funny how one could be so brutal to one self.

He was surprised when she mentioned she had returned to counseling. She had not planned on it but then she had been in town and there was the office next to the small bookstore she frequented. She popped in not expecting to be seen but the man invited her into his office causing her to back out saying it had been a mistake. She ran into him the next day, literally. She had dropped her keys while trying to hold her coffee and packages. When she stooped to pick them up she stood spilling the coffee on both of them.

He ran into her again the next day and the next and soon there were small conversations that led to an unofficial visit at the coffee shop followed by an official one complete with a couch and view of the bay. She mentioned the journal that she had been keeping. It led to Grissom and then the unit and the last nine years followed by her childhood.

Natalie was not mentioned until she discussed why she was there. It had been the catalyst that brought her life to the edge but she knew that it was not the single reason for why she was there but rather her husband. She was surprised she had been willing to share so much so quickly. She no longer cared to hide her feelings or the past. There was really no reason. The information would not be given to anyone. There was no social worker or judge waiting for a report nor a supervisor over a CSI crime lab who might need the information to determine whether she was fit to work. There was not even a husband who needed to know if he had made a grave error in marrying someone like Sara. The counseling came easy. She had no one to hide from except herself.

The counseling that had been easy came to a crashing halt. She missed her appointment and rescheduled. She missed again and again. William, her counselor, had called. He called and called and then made a visit to the beach house. He insisted on a counseling session and had threatened to contact Grissom. It had gotten her attention and once again she found herself on the couch looking out at the bay.

She was done with counseling now. William did not like her decision but she had promised to contact Grissom and ask him to visit. They admitted a visit was needed. She closed her eyes and felt the warm sun on her face. She wasn't sure how she would explain things to Grissom. She imagined after the initial shock wore off, he would come to accept it. If he didn't, she wasn't sure if there was space in the journal to express the heartache she was sure to face if he did not want the same thing. He could reject her choice of diversion. Of course, she had not chosen the diversion but rather it had happened and now she was willing to accept it. She prayed he would also.

He had been asking questions.

She could no longer avoid them and she did not want to anymore.

She intended to tell him everything but this was something that could not be shared over the phone especially when expressions were worth more than words and she knew that she would have to be careful to read each and every expression when he was told.

She did not want to hurt him.

Her decision was life altering for both of them.

Their future was already changing and they would have to accept it.

She glanced down at her journal and saw that only a few pages were left blank. She chose to save those until his arrival. She would write the final pages soon. They would be left for him to read. It would be her final thoughts on her childhood, her life as a CSI, her relationship with the team and her life with him. She would save the final words for him.

She stepped inside and curled up by the fire.

He would be there soon.

She felt relieved and yet frightened.

She was tempted to let her emotions run wild but kept them in check.

There would be time for letting go and falling apart should this not go as she had planned.

She checked her watch and knew that he would soon find her.

She took the pills and swallowed them with the water.

She took out the small picture that had been taken on their wedding day and she smiled. She let that be the last thing she would see as she closed her eyes.

Note from author:

I know. You want another chapter…what a way to end the night… get in those reviews...things are going to move fast...

Take care,

Penny


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty:**

He didn't know why he called her before he was scheduled to leave but he needed her.

She smiled when he walked into the restaurant.

He sat down and ordered quickly.

"You look worried," said Heather.

"Sara asked me to come and see her," he said. "My flight leaves soon."

"You're afraid of what she's going to tell you," said Heather.

"I'm afraid I might not be able to accept it. She's seemed different these last few weeks," he said.

"Sara is very strong…yet fragile…just like you. You're only strong when you're together. You are the perfect couple," she said sipping on her coffee.

"That's what worries me," he said. "How do I exist without her?"

"I felt that way when I lost my daughter, Zoe. I didn't want to exist anymore but then you showed me there was something just as important, my granddaughter."

Grissom smiled slightly.

"You're afraid you're not going to be strong enough to help her get through this," said Heather.

Grissom said nothing as he held the coffee cup.

"Gil, trust your emotions. They led you to Sara," said Heather. "Don't be afraid to let her see you're just as vulnerable. There is power in submission. It's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength."

He felt guilty for leaving the team but then the guilt slipped away the moment he stepped on the plane and knew that in just a couple of hours he would have her in his arms again. He leaned back and closed his eyes as he felt the plane lift into the air. He would also know whether he would be returning by car. He had purchased a one way ticket. He tried to prepare himself in case she told him she would not be returning.

_She said she was almost ready to come home…_

_What if she's changed her mind?_

_She seemed different…_

He had slept little the past few days and he closed his eyes as he gave himself permission to rest. There was no case that needed his attention. There was no worker that needed his undivided attention. There was no personnel who wanted to know when he would be returning because he had avoided their attempts to press him with an answer. He had none. He wouldn't have an answer until he returned to her and then he would know whether he could breathe easier. This time away from her had been difficult at best. He threw himself into his work and for the first time in many years his body had rejected the abuse and he had faced his age with the pneumonia.

He wanted her to come home with him. He did not want to return to an empty townhouse and an empty bed. Her scent was now gone from just about everything in the place and it laid heavy on his heart that she could easily break him with what she was going to tell him. He had resigned that if she chose not to return, he would not as well. He couldn't. His life was Sara. It was not the unit or the work or the lab.

He was tired of pretending his life was in Vegas when in fact it was in Tomales Bay and he was determined to have it again. He felt a tap on his shoulder and the stewardess offered him a drink. He took it. He was not one to drink alcohol frequently but at the moment he felt he needed it. He felt it slide down his throat and he welcomed the warm sensation. He downed another before he knew what he was doing. He stopped at two. He was not a drinker and already he felt a slight buzz but knew that the lack of sleep and food had not helped matters.

Before another thought could enter his mind, he was stepping off the plane and now hunting for his luggage. She offered to come and pick him up but he chose a taxi telling her to avoid the traffic. Besides, he did not think she was well. She sounded weak and more tired these days forgetting conversations from the day before and telling him she was not herself. When pressed for answers she had become distant and for a moment he thought she was slipping away from him again. When he confronted her with his fears, she had skirted around her answers only telling him that she was getting better.

Depression could do that.

It could bring a person crashing down, causing them to break ties with their family and even running away.

Sara had done that. She had run leaving a cryptic note behind.

_If I stay I might self destruct …_

He told himself she had not self destructed. She had gotten better with his last visit. He told himself over and over that she had been getting better. She had even said it herself.

Depression could do that.

It could bring euphoria one minute and then crippling melancholy the next.

He had seen happy moments followed by the bouts of melancholy that surrounded her at times. She had poured herself into her work during those times and he felt she used her job as therapy. That did not last. She tried to hide her fears and insecurities from him and the others. She had been good at it for awhile until it had become too much to handle.

Her darkest secrets became known to him in a moment of weakness for her.

Depression could do that.

It could cause a person to reach out just before they felt themselves going under. Some could overcome the emotional and physical pain in their lives.

He had seen Sara's emotional scars first hand and he knew they ran deep.

Some persons recovered without help.

Some persons required medication and even hospitalization.

Some persons did not recover.

He had seen enough suicides in his life time.

Depression could do that.

She had been diagnosed with post traumatic stress.

He also knew that it was depression.

They had spoken about it only briefly.

He now wondered if it had been a mistake.

He felt his chest tighten and he asked the taxi driver to hurry.

His hands shook as he paid the cab fare and then he was immediately on her door step. He could make out her body on the couch. He fished around in his pocket and produced the key stepping inside. He set down his suitcase and locked the door. He called but she remained lying on the couch. The fire had all but died out. There was a slight chill in the air.

"Sara?"

When she did not answer he switched on the light in the kitchen and headed toward the couch. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the empty prescription bottle lying on the floor and the empty glass on the table. He was rushing now to her side as he began to check her vitals followed by trying to wake her. She jumped causing him to sit back on the table and he let out a ragged breath.

"Gil?" She asked urgently as she sat up.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you," he said as he tried to catch his breath.

"What's wrong?" she asked trying to calm down from being awakened so abruptly.

"I uhm…it's just…" he grabbed her at that moment and held her. She felt the wetness on his cheeks but said nothing. She waited until he was ready to break the contact and when he didn't she pulled him over to the couch. He sat there holding her in his arms as he softly whispered how much he had missed her.

His voice was raw with emotion.

"I've missed you," he managed to get out.

He kissed her the moment he saw the first tear slide down her face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"I've missed you too," she said.

He turned now to face her. "It's good to see you again. Come home please."

He had not wasted any time in getting to the issue of home.

She glanced down and took a deep breath.

"We need to talk," she said.

"Let's talk," he said.

"You're tired. Have you eaten?" she asked.

"Sara, I need to know," he sighed. He silently berated himself, forcing himself to slow down. "Yes I'm tired and I could eat."

"Good, cause I could eat also," she said.

She started to get up but he pulled her back down.

"You okay?" he asked.

She smiled. "I am now. You're here."

They both stood and he assisted with dinner.

"It's been chilly most days," she said. "it's almost too cold to walk on the beach."

"Still going to counseling?" he asked softly.

"Yes. You'll be proud to know that I put that journal to good use and have been writing in it every day. It's almost full."

He smiled. "That's good. Counseling is helping then?"

"Yes…I think the trip has helped the most. I've had time to think through some things…things I had been putting off for some time."

"I'm glad you took time for yourself."

She glanced at the couch, noticing the empty pill bottle and the glass. She then remembered how he had acted.

"You thought I tried to kill myself?" she asked suddenly.

Their eyes met.

"We never talked about the depression. You've seemed different lately but you wouldn't tell me what's wrong. You said you were almost ready to come home and yet you tell me to come for a visit. The empty pill bottle on the floor, the glass, your unresponsiveness….yes God help me Sara I thought you had and it scared the hell out of me."

"I'm sorry…I see how it must have looked," she said reaching for his hand. "I finished my prescription. Gil, I would never do that…I could never leave you…not like that," she said.

"Then what's wrong?" he asked almost pleading.

"There's nothing wrong," she said.

"Sara…"

She began to pick up the dishes and he quickly helped not wanting to leave her side.

"This medication…" he began.

"I promise I'll explain soon. Are you tired?" she asked.

He wanted to say no but he knew she could see it on his face.

"Let's go to bed," she whispered.

"I thought you'd never ask," he said.

He soon found her in his arms and his hand held hers while he cradled her head. His finger rubbed the wedding band.

"Have you gotten used to wearing this?" he asked.

"Yes…I have," she said. "And you?"

"I hardly ever notice it until I think of you and it reminds me that I still have you."

She kissed him gently on the lips. It was brief and light and sweet and then she was pouring herself into him and he lost all need for conversation. He pawed at the gown and they struggled with the clothing. He had intended to wait until they had talked but now he wanted nothing more than to make love to her. Flashes of the empty pill bottle and her still body forced him to plunge deeply inside her over and over whispering endearments as he waited for her to catch up with him but she was already there and soon they were spiraling downward together. It had been too intense and she found herself still trembling from the intensity of their lovemaking.

"I've missed you," he said.

"I could tell," she said with a grin.

She propped up her head and looked at him. He did the same.

She gazed into his eyes.

She loved his eyes.

"Going to talk with me now?" he asked.

"You've been telling me I need a diversion," she said softly.

"Yes…I have."

"If I had a diversion…something that could keep me busy, focused on something other than the job and…"

"You've decided on a diversion? Is this what you need to talk to me about?"

"It affects us both."

He didn't like the sound of that.

"What did you have in mind?"

_You're not coming back…_

_You're going to move somewhere else…_

_You've decided…_

"A baby."

He wasn't prepared for that. He expected her to tell him she had chosen a different profession or she had decided to remain there or move somewhere other than Vegas. He was not prepared for the discussion of a baby. Sara never hinted that she wanted a family. In fact, she had done the opposite.

"Sara…I'm fifty one….most men my age have children in college. I never thought of having a family….it took me this long to even love someone…I love you. I want you…Aren't we enough?"

She felt the tightness in her chest and she told herself to remain calm.

"I uhm..had hoped you would want to have a child," she managed to get out.

"Maybe ten or fifteen years ago but not now. I'm past that. I thought you were too…it was one of the reasons I didn't want to get involved with you. You're young…"

"I'm thirty five…I was young when I came to Vegas….that was nine years ago."

He knew the conversation was not going as either of them had planned.

"Sara, I uhm…when did you decide that you wanted a child?"

_When I found out I was pregnant…_

_When I couldn't stop the vomiting.._

_When the stomach virus wouldn't go away…_

_When my counselor insisted I take a pregnancy test…_

_When William stayed with me until I could formulate a sentence after the test was positive…_

"You don't want a child?" she asked.

"Let's focus on us …"

"You're saying you don't want a child at this stage of your life."

He didn't want to answer.

"I've been in counseling for months now. I know all the tricks of avoidance. They get you nowhere. I'm a poster child…" her choice of words seemed bitter in her mouth.

"I had not planned or wanted a child at this juncture," he said quietly.

She nodded.

She nodded even though she thought she felt herself slipping into the darkest and deepest depression she had ever encountered. She smiled. Her wall came up and she hid her emotions not letting him see how much this conversation had hurt. It hurt more than a fire engine red Mustang and for some reason she felt the same pressure and hopelessness as she did when she lay under it.

Note from author:

Okay, so I went to bed early last night to avoid posting another chapter. I have to finish this story up soon. I leave next Friday for Florida…no ghost hunt unless Disney World is haunted. LOL. This means I have to finish this story…yes I have to give it an ending. I am almost there. I will try to finish it so I can give you the ten chapter warning but I have been going back and combining chapters…I'm sure you would prefer longer chapters and less cliff hangers… LOL

Take care,

Penny


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty one:**

"You should sleep," she said. "You said yourself you hadn't gotten much sleep lately."

"Sara…."

"It's fine. One of my many poor choices of diversions."

She turned her back on him as she pulled on her gown. She slid back into the covers.

"It's cold," she whispered.

He lay there unsure of what just happened. He had an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. He spooned his body up next to hers and kissed her tenderly on the cheek. Her eyes were closed and he closed his as well. She was glad because a tear managed to slip down her cheek and she rolled over on her stomach brushing it away in one fluid motion. He spent the next several hours pursuing her in bed. She was restless. He slept anyway, reaching out from time to time in search of her body and finding it. His arm would pull her back but she would soon edge away.

The next time he reached for her, he found nothing but cold sheets. He reached and reached until he felt the end of the bed causing him to sit up and look about. She was nowhere to be found. He dressed quickly and stepped out onto the deck. She was sitting on the beach with cell phone in hand. He wondered if she was talking to Brass. Brass had been hurt when she stopped calling again and he had mentioned it last night. He had been perplexed as Grissom was about her change in behavior. He stepped back and decided he would make breakfast giving her time to finish the call.

Sara sat there on the cold wet sand. Her cheeks were wet from the salt water spray from the ocean and the tears that had not stopped since she woke.

"He doesn't want a baby," she had choked out.

"Did you tell him?" asked William.

"I told him I had decided on a diversion…a baby."

"Sara, you should have told him up front. You made it sound like you want to have a baby…you're already pregnant…going on four months to be exact."

"I didn't want him to feel like he was stuck with this…he's not."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means just what I said."

"Sara, we've been friends not just counselor and patient….don't hide behind words."

"I'm not."

"What did you mean…he's not stuck with this?"

"It's my fault I got pregnant…this is my problem…not his."

"He's your husband!"

"He doesn't have to accept this responsibility. It's mine."

"What are you going to do?"

"I uhm…"

"Sara…you're past the stage of abortion."

"I would never do that! I could never…God William I never thought I would feel this way about anything but…"

"But what?"

"I love Grissom…I love him more than life itself but…"

He could hear her choking back the sobs.

"But what Sara?"

"I love this baby more…I want this baby…I'll do anything to protect it. It's part of us…the best part of us and I can't put anything or anyone before its needs….not even Gil."

"Sara?"

He could hear her sobbing forcibly now.

"Sara!"

"Yes"

"You're going to make a great mother. If you need me, you call any time day or night. Take care of yourself. Get your ass off the cold sand and get inside."

"William, what do I do?" she said slowly calming down.

"Tell him. He deserves to know."

She started to hang up when he yelled.

"Sara?"

"Yes."

"Don't push him away."

She wiped her eyes on her sleeve and sat there staring at the ocean. It was freezing and she was past being cold. Her teeth began to chatter and she stood now not knowing when she had managed to get so wet. It would help cover the signs of her short lived break down. She stepped inside to the aroma of pancakes.

"Good morning. I thought I would start breakfast," he said glancing up to take full notice of her.

She was wet and shivering. Her hand clutched the phone.

"You look frozen," he said suddenly.

"Do I have time for a quick shower?" she asked.

"Five minutes," he announced trying to examine her more closely.

She did not appear to be upset but yet she seemed off. He shoved the thought aside for a moment letting his mind drift back to their conversation. He had hurt her. He was sure of it and yet she seemed fine now.

_Bullshit…_

_Who was she talking with?_

_Maybe it was Brass…_

He picked up the phone and pressed the button calling his number immediately.

"Why are you calling me?" he asked.

"Jim, have you spoken with Sara?"

"No…wait, you're supposed to be with her...is something wrong…"

"No…I was just wondering if she called you this morning."

"No, you woke me" he said. "Gil, is everything okay?"

"Uhm yes…I'll see you soon."

He hung up and listened.

The water shut off and he prepared the table. She came out in a pair of sweats.

"Feel better?" he asked.

"Yes…much better," she said.

"I got kind of concerned when I woke and your side of the bed was cold."

"I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep anymore…it's what I get for taking a nap before you got here," she said taking a bite.

"I saw you on the beach talking on the phone."

She glanced at him.

"I needed to make a call. I didn't want to wake you."

"Anyone I know? Jim?"

"Jim? Yeah…it was Jim."

His fork stopped in midair.

It was a lie.

It was a bold face lie.

He watched her intently.

"I was hoping we could continue our discussion this morning…in bed," he said.

"I didn't want to wake you. You were tired," she said.

"I'm not now," he said.

She finished off the pancake and picked up the toast.

"This is good," she said.

"I'm glad you like my cooking. Sara…"

"Let's not…not right now," she said getting up and putting her plate away.

"How long can you stay?" she asked.

The uneasiness in his stomach returned.

"I was hoping I was coming to bring you home."

_Me too…_

_I wanted to come home…_

_I wanted to be with you…_

"Sara, your lease will be expiring in a couple of weeks," he said.

She knew that.

She was counting down the days because she had planned to be packing up her few belongings and then she would be heading home. It was the only home she had ever known.

"I know," she said softly.

"What is it that you're not telling me," he said.

"I uhm…I…"

"You're not coming home are you?" he asked.

She felt her head shaking and for the life of her she had no idea why. There were no more ghosts to settle. There was nothing left here to do except the small matter of the parole board hearing. She intended to speak on behalf of her deceased father. Other than that, she was done. She needed to go home but here she stood telling the only man she had ever loved that she would not be returning.

"Why?"

She struggled for an answer. She had no clue. If she gave him a reason it would only be a lie. She had just told him one lie and she did not plan to tell another.

"Why? I deserve to know," he said sounding irritated.

"I'm not done with counseling," she blurted out.

"You could continue it there," he offered.

"I trust William," she said with arms folded.

He nodded slowly.

He would have to accept it.

She seemed to be getting better.

He prayed it was real progress.

She had never asked for anything.

She had waited for him for years.

The least he could do was give her this time to heal herself.

"What do you plan to do about the lease?" he asked.

"I'll work something out," she said.

"I could extend the lease for you while I'm here…"

"No…I'll do it," she said.

"Sara, you know if you need anything, you just have to ask," he said.

She nodded. "I don't need anything."

"I hope you need me," he said quietly.

She felt her resolve slipping.

"What do you want to do while you're here?" she asked turning away to pick up the journal.

"You said I could read the journal," he said.

She stiffened.

She had.

She no longer wanted him to read it.

He did not know about the baby.

He did not want the baby.

She hid it behind her back.

"It's not finished," she said. "You can read it when it's finished."

He nodded as the confusion set in.

_You wanted me to read it…_

_You insisted that I know its contents and now you won't share…_

_You lied about the phone call…_

_You're not coming home…_

_You said you were done with counseling and now you say you can't come home because of it…_

_You're in trouble…_

"Let's talk," he said.

She came to him now placing her hands on each side of his face and kissed him. It reminded him of that kiss in the lab just before she left Vegas.

"Sara…"

She was kissing him again. This time it was more forceful and as her tongue darted in to meet his, he grabbed her. There was a hunger and need growing between them. They managed to make it to the bedroom and soon they were in each other's arms and he was already plunging deeply before he wanted. She had insisted foregoing any foreplay and he had obliged. He had wanted to talk. His mind needed to talk with her but as he rolled over she was already drifting off to sleep.

He couldn't bring himself to wake her but pulled her close and did the same. He woke several hours later but she still slept. He slipped out of bed and stood there staring at the journal on the table.

It was there.

He could pick it up and read it contents before she woke.

His fingers touched the cover and then moved to the edges.

One flip and it would be open.

He couldn't do it.

He couldn't bring himself to snoop into something so private.

It would be a violation and he knew he would lose her trust by doing so.

He could not risk it.

He worried about the lease.

He did not like the idea that she might move again.

_She wouldn't disappear again…_

_She wouldn't do that…_

_We're married…_

_She said she was staying because of the counseling…_

_Maybe I should talk with her counselor…_

_His name is William…yes that's it…_

_Would she let me?_

She stirred and he joined her in bed again. She smiled when she rolled over and saw him sitting there already dressed.

"Sorry. I always sleep better when I'm near you," she said.

"Me too."

He took her hand and kissed it.

"Sara, maybe it would help if I talked with your counselor…let him get to know me…maybe we could go together," he said.

She stared at him as she began to shake her head.

"Why not? It might be good for both of us especially since we've been through so much," he said.

"You don't need a shrink," she said grabbing for her robe.

"Sara…"

"No!"

She was up in a flash. She pulled the robe around her tightly.

"I didn't mean to upset you," he said.

She looked down at the floor and sighed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you," she said.

"Forgiven," he said pulling her back to the bed but she gently pulled away.

"There's a nice place down the road," she said. "We could go there for lunch or dinner."

"Hungry?" he asked.

_Hungry…_

_I'm hungry all the time now…_

_No longer have to worry about missed meals…_

"I could eat," she said.

"You look good…the weight is back on…I mean that in a good way," he teased.

"I'll take it as such," she said with a grin.

"Let's have lunch here….in bed," he said with a slight grin.

"Does it include food?" she asked.

"I think that can be arranged," he said pulling her in for a kiss.

She swiped the bread crumbs out of bed and frowned after their bout of lovemaking. Sandwiches were eaten quickly as their desires began to stir again. The afternoon was followed by a nice dinner in town at this small spot Sara had discovered. There was a moment of awkwardness when they ran into William. He had hugged Sara whispering something in private as Grissom watched the exchange. It was her expression that caught his attention. She had feelings for this man. There was more than just a counselor-patient relationship.

"It's good to finally meet you Mr. Grissom," he said extending his hand.

Grissom took it.

"How long do you plan to stay?" he asked.

He thought it was an odd question for a counselor.

"Awhile," he said.

"Good. Sara needs the company," he said.

"I offered a counseling session with you," said Grissom.

William's eyes lit up. "That would be…" He glanced at Sara. "I take it Sara did not approve."

"He doesn't need your help," she said.

"Counseling never hurt anyone," William countered.

Grissom was beginning to like the man.

Sara frowned, "I won't subject him to…"

"To me? You know she can be crabby at times. I'm not your average counselor," he said looking at Sara.

"No, you're just as screwed up as the rest of us," she said.

"See…she can be abusive. I ignore her…She often says 'bullshit'. I understand she got that from her friend, Jim Brass," said William.

"He has been known to say that several times a day," said Grissom.

"Well, if she doesn't want a joint counseling session, perhaps a one on one," he said. "on the house."

"So she must have told you a lot about me," said Grissom.

"Actually no but I am curious. You managed to get a ring on her finger after nine years. I'd like to know a little more about that," said William.

Grissom glanced at Sara.

"A counseling session might do me some good," said Grissom.

"We would keep these completely separate and confidential," William added as he saw Sara bristle.

"What about tomorrow around five?" asked William.

"Tomorrow would be good," said Grissom.

_Right now would be good…_

_I need to know if she's okay…_

_He could tell me that…_

_He could let me know if I needed to worry…_

_I am worried…_

_I'm worried sick…_

She seemed quiet on the ride back. She placed the kettle on to make tea as soon as she walked through the door.

"You seem quiet," he said.

"I don't understand," she said.

"Understand what?" he asked as he stood across the counter from her.

"Why you feel the need to talk with William?" she asked.

"I thought it would help…me," he said.

"You?"

"Sara, everyone has problems. You know better than I do, I have issues. I've buried them like you."

"You're not saying that just because …you never hinted you wanted or needed to talk with anyone," she said.

"I've never trusted anyone but you…you trust William…I trust your judgment."

She accepted his reasoning.

They were sitting now with tea in hand before the fireplace.

"Still mad?" he asked.

"I'm not mad," she said quietly.

"You seem upset," he said.

"I'm not upset," she said.

"Sara…we've been together too long for us not to know one another's quirks…you seem different."

Her finger circled the top of the cup as if she were contemplating her words, "Do you need to talk with a counselor because of me? Did I do…"

"No! I did this. I want this to work between us. I don't want us to keep anything from each other. A marriage won't work if we hide…"

She felt the bile rising and she jumped up causing him to spill his tea. She did not have time to apologize as she rushed to the bathroom shutting the door just before she lost the contents of her dinner. She sat down and breathed in deeply. She had not had a bout of nausea in weeks. She thought it was over and yet she found herself hanging over the toilet once more losing what was left in her stomach.

He tapped at the door. She wanted to respond but felt another wave hit her. There was nothing left to lose. She clutched her abdomen at the dry heaves. They were painful. She rinsed her mouth and felt another wave. It was not as intense and she managed to control it. She quickly rummaged through the medicine cabinet and grabbed the nausea pills taking one with a glass of water.

"Sara?"

"I'll be out in a minute," she called.

She rinsed her face and then stood letting her hands linger over her abdomen in a protective gesture.

She opened the door to find him standing there with arms folded.

"Have something to tell me?" he asked.

Note from author:

Oh yeah...what do you think Sara is going to say? Leave a review.

Take care,

Penny


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty Two:**

"Yes, if you brought the stomach flu to me I'm going to kick your ass," she said.

He stared at her.

His demeanor changed.

"Are you better?"

"Yes…no I lost my dinner but then I usually get sick when I eat that much…my stomach is not used to those portion amounts. It still thinks I'm working crazy hours as a CSI. Normalcy can be a bitch," she said.

He looked relieved.

She felt relieved once she realized he had bought the story.

"You sure you're okay?" he asked.

"I think I should put something on my stomach," she said.

"Try some toast," he said.

He fixed it while she sipped on some more tea.

She finished off the toast.

They turned in early.

She was already pulling at his clothes before he could utter a single word. He tried to brush her hands aside but it was no use. She wanted him and he gave in. His mind tried to piece together what little information he had been able to obtain during this visit while his body made love to her. His senses went into overdrive when she whispered his name in his ear and he found himself forgetting to think but focused on feeling only. She met each thrust and even though he tried to slow her down she only sped things up but running her finger tips down his back. He gave in and climaxed with her. She gently rolled him to the side and curled up next to him. His hand caressed her back.

It was a simple gesture he meant to give as his hand slipped down near her abdomen but she pushed him away.

It was not gentle but forceful.

"Sara…"

"Stomach is a little sensitive…dry heaves can do that," she said trying to smooth over the incident.

"Does it still hurt?" he asked.

"It's better. You know blueberry waffles would probably make it feel much better," she said.

"Your appetite has improved," he said.

"I like your cooking," she said. "Mine is not the greatest."

"You just don't cook," he said.

"There's a reason," she said.

He grinned.

"Get some sleep," he said. "Blueberry waffles in the…"

His phone stopped him.

He reached for it and frowned.

"It's Catherine," he said.

"It must be important," said Sara as she sat up in bed.

"Grissom….can't you guys handle it…I see…I'll need to book a flight…nice of you to think about that," he said glancing at Sara.

Sara grabbed her robe and slipped out of the bed leaving him to finish the conversation in private.

He stepped out of the bedroom and joined her by the fireplace.

"A body of a young girl was found…it will no doubt be a high profile case…undersheriff and Ecklie want me back."

"Then you need to go back. The unit needs you," she said.

"I need you," he said but then wished he had not said that as the guilt washed over her face.

"I just mean I'm going to miss you," he said.

"I'll miss you too," she said.

"We didn't get around to talking about…"

"It can wait. You better pack. If I know Catherine she booked you on the first flight," she said.

He nodded and turned back towards the bedroom.

She stood in the doorway as he quickly showered and then grabbed his bag. She drove him to the airport despite his protests. She stood there now kissing him. He knew he would have to rush to get to the plane and yet he could not seem to move.

"Call me," he said.

She nodded.

He turned and headed toward the gate. It had been a rule for them to not look back. It made things worse. He walked through security and intentionally broke their rule as he stood there and saw her standing there. Her hands were clasped about her abdomen and for a moment he thought she had fallen ill again but then it was the way her hands caressed her abdomen that made no sense. She turned and in a blink was gone. He heard his flight being called and now he was rushing to make it. His mind was forced to focus on getting back to Vegas and to the horrid case that awaited him.

He was there as soon as the others made it to the crime scene. Catherine said nothing but seemed grateful that he had returned. As the case unfolded before him, her words floated in and out of his brain.

_A diversion…_

_A baby…_

They were met with his and he saw how harsh they must have sounded. They also sounded unfair. He had married her without even asking her if she would want children. He had just assumed that it would be just the two of them…and the dog. She had called while he had been out in the field. She had kept her word that she would. He now sat in his office with the photos of the deceased child and he was forced to turn away. It was something he never got used to seeing in his line of work. Sara knew that. She often came by his office after cases such as this to give him the emotional support he didn't even know he needed. He found himself picking up his cell to call her but then the others were coming in and he laid it aside and went back to work.

Before he realized it, hours had passed and he was now into a double but he had not returned her call. He glanced at the clock now and did not risk waking her now. He returned to work. As the shift ended, Catherine stepped into the lab room.

It was obvious the case had affected her. It had rocked him to the core but he did not let on. It was his nature. He could not afford to fall apart in front of them. He would wait until he was home and then he would call her. His mind refocused on his trip. As he sat there going through the photos of the crime scene, he understood why Sara would choose life over death. The birth of a child would definitely force her to focus on life rather than this job.

Babies demanded a lot.

Years ago he would have jumped at the thought of having a child but now that he had worked in this job for so many years and seen more horrors than any one person should, he found himself less willing to put himself on the line. To have a child meant to endure the possible loss of that child. It was the potential loss that drove him to solitude all these years. He had told himself it was better to be responsible for one self.

Sara had changed all of that.

When she had almost died, it had brought him to his knees. To lose her would mean he would lose himself. He almost did. She wanted a child now. How could he deny her this? He knew he had hurt her and yet she had covered it up like she had done so many times in the past. He closed his eyes and thought back to their last moments at the airport.

She had been sad.

_Her hands held her stomach…no abdomen…_

_They seemed to be caressing her abdomen…_

His eyes flew open and now he was rushing back to his office.

He grabbed his phone and dialed her number.

He didn't care about the time any longer as he hung on the line until it rolled over to voicemail.

He tried again.

And again.

And again.

He glanced at the clock once more and decided he should wait. He grabbed his jacket and briefcase to head home. He would pursue the phone contact there.

He did.

On the fifth try, she picked up.

"Hey," she said groggily.

"I'm sorry to wake you," he said.

"No…it's okay. I heard it on the news. I saw Brass. It must have been a really tough case. Everyone okay?" she asked between yawns.

"Yes…listen, I need to talk with you," he said.

"I need to talk with you too. You may not be able to reach me tomorrow," she said.

He began to panic. "Why?"

"My mother's parole hearing is tomorrow. I'm going," she said.

"You're going?" he asked incredulously.

"I don't want her out. I intend to testify on my father's behalf. It's the least that I can do," she said.

"You think there's a possibility she might get out?" he asked.

"She's been a model inmate. She claims my father was the abuser. He wasn't Gil. I'm not going to let her get away with that," she said.

"I wished I had stayed. You should have told me," he said sounding frustrated.

"I've got a counseling session with William," she said. "I think I'll need it before I go. By the way, I explained things to him so he didn't think you skipped out like I did on the first session."

"You sound tired," he said.

"I am. I'm sorry. I'm not up to talking tonight," she said between yawns.

"Go back to sleep," he said. "Hey Sara? I love you."

"I love you too. Night," she said.

"Night."

He berated himself for not asking if his suspicions were true. He could tell from her voice that tomorrow was not going to be easy for her. He cursed as he looked around the office. It was as if he were putting his job before Sara but then if he had known about the upcoming parole hearing he would have made arrangements to go back. Perhaps it was the reason for her strange behavior and the sudden withdrawal.

She was still dealing with the guilt from her childhood. It did not explain the odd behavior at the airport. He still could not shake the feeling that there was more to it than that. He let his suspicions sit while he settled in for several hours of rest. He knew there would be little sleep. As the hours passed, he found himself throwing on clothes and soon he was there on her doorstep once again.

Note from author:

I won't tell you where he went...no hate mail...thanks for the review. Please continue to leave them!

Take care,

Penny


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter twenty three:**

He knocked slightly and the door opened.

Heather smiled. "How was work?"

He said nothing as he stepped inside.

"I think we have a lot to talk about," she said.

He said nothing as he stood there.

He felt unsure of himself.

Her hands slipped into his.

"Let's go upstairs," she said.

He said nothing as he followed.

The day's events swirled around in his head along with the many questions he had about Sara.

He was worried.

He was worried sick.

"Something has happened," she said.

"I uhm…" he didn't know where to begin.

Heather pulled him into an embrace.

"I'm scared," he admitted.

Her hands rubbed his back.

"Let's talk," she whispered.

He told himself not to panic when he could not reach her and she did not call at the end of the day. He went into the shift in a foul mood and they stayed clear of him. He glanced at his watch once more and it was that action that caused Brass to pull him aside. They were finishing up anyway and he had seen enough to know that he was worried about Sara.

"What's up?" Brass asked.

"I'm not sure I know what you're…"

"What's happening with Sara?" asked Brass.

"Her mother's parole hearing was today. She was going to testify on behalf of her father."

"No word on their decision?" he asked.

"I haven't been able to reach her," said Grissom.

"I could call and find out about the decision. It might help," Brass offered.

He nodded. Any information would be helpful at this moment.

He sat there now in his office finishing up the paperwork when Brass stepped inside and shut the door.

"The parole board denied Laura Sidle's request. In fact, because of Sara's testimony, it's unlikely they will consider her for parole for the next ten years. She'll probably die in prison."

"Anything on Sara?" asked Grissom.

"She testified…did a wonderful job and then waited for the decision. It didn't take long for the parole to make up their minds," said Brass.

He stared at his cell phone.

"Give her a couple of hours," said Brass. "It was the last case to be heard."

"Thanks Jim."

"You should go home," he said.

"I will."

_Maybe she went back to talk with William…._

He turned his attention back to the paperwork.

He was surprised when he looked up and saw Warrick standing in the doorway. They had spoken little since the suspension except to discuss assignments.

"You got a minute?" asked Warrick.

"Come in and shut the door," said Grissom.

Warrick sat down. He was dressed in a suit. His eyes were clear but Grissom was certain he was still having difficulty sleeping. He leaned forward with his hands clasped together.

"I know I don't have a right to ask anything of you," began Warrick.

"Ask."

"I spoke with my PEAP counselor. I think she called you."

"She did. She said you were upfront with her…cooperative. She was concerned about your private life."

"What private life?" chuckled Warrick sadly. "I never paid any attention to Tina when she was reaching out to me. I didn't know how to help her. She grew up being tossed from one family member to the next. She doesn't know how to trust…look this is not about my broken marriage or divorce. I uhm met with an attorney an hour ago."

Grissom leaned back in the chair.

"I've filed for paternity test for Tina's baby, Eli."

Grissom looked shocked.

"I never mentioned she was pregnant. I didn't know myself until after the divorce and I ran into her one day. I lost track of her after she moved in with some guy. I didn't want to know anymore." Warrick sighed loudly. "I ran into them with the baby. I took one look at Eli and I saw my grandmother's eyes…I saw myself. I know he's mine. She denies it. She says I'm a screw up and doesn't want me to have anything to do with him. I can't turn my back on my child. My grandmother sold her soul to get me out of the hell I was living in. She loved me and raised me. My son needs me."

"If this paternity test is positive, what do you plan to do?" asked Grissom.

"File for custody. Tina will fight…look I don't want to take him away from her but if she's going to drag him from one house to the next…I'm not going to let her do that."

Grissom nodded.

Their eyes met.

"You had something to ask me," said Grissom.

"I need a recommendation for the court," said Warrick.

"I'll write it this evening," said Grissom.

Warrick nodded as his hand covered his eyes for a moment.

"I screwed up. I don't want to do that anymore. I know I've let you down…disappointed you."

"You would disappoint me if you were not in here telling me this. You're doing the right thing but I don't have to tell you that," said Grissom. "Your grandmother would be very proud of you."

"I don't think I ever thanked you for all the times you've stood by me. You're the only person besides my grandmother that ever gave a damn. You cared. You've always had my back. You're the closest thing I've ever had to a father figure. I hope I'm half the father you were to me."

Warrick stood quickly to leave.

"Warrick?"

He turned but kept his eyes to the floor.

"I've always been proud of you. Let me know if there is anything I can do," said Grissom.

"Thanks Griss. Tell Sara I said hello."

Warrick opened the door but turned. "You know I had hoped she would have come back by now but after all of this, I'm glad she's not here to see…this."

"She loves you," said Grissom.

"I love her too. She never said anything much about her past but I think she understood about mine…kind of connected…I don't think she had it so easy either," he said as he walked out.

He went home.

He slept little.

He found himself walking Hank as he tried not to call her again.

When she did not call at her designated time again, he called.

It went to voicemail.

He called again an hour later and received the voice mail again.

He continued to call her until finally she picked up.

"Sara?"

"Gil?"

"I've been trying to reach you!"

"I'm uhm sorry….I came home and slept. The parole hearing wiped me out. I meant to call you…what time is it?" she asked.

"It's almost time for shift," he said.

She glanced at the clock and he heard the groan.

"I've been sleeping for twelve hours."

"That's good. It meant you needed the rest."

"Gil…she didn't get parole," she said.

"Are you relieved?"

"Yes…I am. She was angry. She sat there and glared the entire time. I think she still blames me for everything that happened…if I had never been born they wouldn't have had any problems," she said quietly.

"Sara, you know that's not true. Don't you?"

"Yes…I do."

"You should eat," he said.

"I will. Get some rest…I'm sorry if I worried you," she said.

"Just take care of yourself," he said. "Call me…I'll call you after shift."

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you…miss you so much," she finally broke between tears.

"I love you…I don't like this…you being there and me here," he said. "I never should have left."

"I think that's my line," she said. "I'm the one that left."

"Eat something…I'll talk with you soon," he said.

He felt better knowing that she was there at the beach house and had been sleeping the whole time.

He cursed at himself for letting his imagination run away with him.

He called Brass putting him at ease.

Sara was fine.

She wasn't fine.

She lay there now trying to settle her nerves as she felt sick to her stomach. She forced herself to get up and fix something to eat. It had been a quick meal but it was nourishment and she knew she needed nourishment for the baby if not herself. She seemed to feel better once she had sustenance and now she focused on getting ready for her doctor's appointment.

She had meant to go with Grissom.

It would be her four month appointment and there would be an ultrasound. She would no doubt discover the sex of the baby and no longer would she have to refer to it as "the baby." She could even pick out a name. She caressed her abdomen and swiped at the tears that came. She had not wanted to go through this on her own. She had even been willing to allow Grissom to come with her to the parole board hearing.

All of her plans had been changed when he had confessed he did not want a child. She had kept everything from him. She had wanted to tell him about the baby and then ask for his support in the two events that would no doubt be monumental in her life but he had left.

She did not fault him for leaving. She expected it. She would have expected no less from the man she loved. She had expected him to say that he wanted a child. His words and actions made her feel like he would not even consider the notion but rather intended to talk her out of it. It was too late for talk. She was very much pregnant and this baby was now the most important thing in her life.

She showered and then dressed. She was headed for the car when the phone call came. Her initial reaction was to not take it but then she did. She flipped open the phone to be given the news that her mother had killed herself. The news had brought her to her knees literally. She had left a note. The prison was requesting someone to come and claim the body along with the personal effects. She felt strange after she agreed to come. She looked down and felt the rocks digging into her skin as she stood and made her way to the car.

She called him.

There was no one else.

She was still sitting in the car when he drove up.

Little was said as he drove her to the prison. He knew it was pointless to attempt any conversation at this moment. William assisted with the arrangements. When asked if there would be a funeral, she quickly shook her head. She signed for the body and then was given the personal effects. She sat there in the funeral home and signed the necessary forms and then she was walked through the details. Laura would be buried next to her parents. There was already a plot.

Sara had no idea. Laura had given the information to the prison in the event of her death while an inmate. Once they were done, he drove her home. The personal effects remained in the box. She refused to look at them. He insisted that she eat and she did. She even slept while he called Grissom. He left a message at his home and then at the office. He had been told he was out in the field on a case and would not be back for several hours. It was a double homicide.

She woke several hours later and seemed better. She insisted that he leave but he agreed to come with her to the graveside burial later that day. He still watched for any signs that she was not coping with this recent turn of events. There was none. She was handling it like a trooper. She picked up dishes and cleaned the beach house and even mentioned to him she would have to reschedule the doctor's appointment because it had been interrupted.

He took note that she considered her mother's death an interruption.

The burial was done. She stood there and thanked the funeral director coming out to say a few words even though she did not think her mother was very religious but it seemed the right thing to do since there had not even been a funeral. The only attendees were Sara, William, the funeral director and the work crew standing off to the side waiting to cover the casket. They were in their car within minutes. He went inside even though she asked him for privacy. He felt that she would need to talk now but she didn't. She wanted to do nothing more than sleep after a quick bite.

"I called Grissom," he said.

"Thank you," she said.

"He was out in the field," he said.

"He'll call soon," she said.

"Sara, I want to talk with you about this tomorrow," he said.

"I'll be there," she said.

He hesitated a moment and then left.

She sat there on the couch now and stared at the box.

Her mother's life was in that box.

She opened it.

Note from author:

Okay, for some reason, fanfiction did not release chapter 22 this morning. There could be a problem with their server so I am going to go ahead and release this chapter as well so...this is both chapters together for the day. There are 34 chapters so I am going to give you the ten chapter warning.

Take care,

Penny


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter Twenty Four:**

He was calling the moment he got the message. He had been out in the desert and there had been no way to reach him until he returned to the office. He had already called for Catherine who was making flight arrangements while he dialed.

He cursed the moment he heard the voicemail.

The phone had been turned off.

He glanced down at the written messages from Judy and he called William.

"William…"

"I was going to call you again," said William.

"How is she?" he asked.

"She seemed fine…look Sara has a history of hiding things. I think you need to come," William said.

"I've got someone making reservations right now," he said.

Catherine came rushing inside with the airline information.

"Sara has an appointment with me this evening. Come to my office," he said.

"William?"

"Yes?"

"I'm worried about her…there's something she's been keeping to herself before this happened…she wouldn't tell me…I wanted to talk with you that day in the counseling session but then I had to leave…"

"We can talk when you get here….even if we have to sit on her and make her talk," he said.

"You're not your typical counselor," said Grissom.

"No, I really do believe in this bullshit…sorry I think I just stole your friend's line," he said.

"I'll have my cell on…call me," Grissom said.

Catherine had contacted Brass and given him the news.

He stood there now.

Grissom grabbed a few things and glanced at his watch.

"You have time to pack a few things before we leave for the airport," said Brass.

"Thanks Jim."

"How's Sara taking this?" he asked.

"I haven't been able to reach her," Grissom said.

"Gil?"

He looked up at Brass.

"Screw this job. Don't come back until she's fine. Sara's more important than this job."

He felt a bit of de ja vu as the stewardess offered him a drink and he took it. He stopped at one this time. He was landing before he managed to become unglued just sitting there and doing nothing. He was in the taxi and heading to William's office within minutes of landing. He stepped inside and by William's face he knew Sara had not kept the appointment.

"Have you tried to call her?" asked Grissom.

"I got voicemail. I was waiting for you before heading out there," he said.

Grissom flipped open the phone and tried the number.

"Voicemail."

"I'll drive you," said William.

Her car was parked outside. They knocked but there was no answer. Grissom took out the key.

They walked in to an empty house. Grissom stepped out onto the deck but there was no sign of her. Her phone was sitting on the table beside their wedding photo.

William and Grissom exchanged glances.

William glanced down at the box containing her mother's personal effects and noticed it had been opened.

He picked it up.

"These are her mother's personal effects. She must have finally gone through them."

Grissom picked up the box and found the suicide note on top.

He read it and felt the blood leave his face.

William grabbed it.

"That bitch. She's too weak to take responsibility for what she did so she offs herself but not before taking one more jab at Sara," said William.

"What does your training tell you?" asked Grissom.

"She may be distraught…I don't think she would contemplate suicide…but she's not thinking straight," said William.

"What does your training tell you?" asked William.

"Nothing. No sign of foul play or any indication that she left because she was not thinking straight," said Grissom.

"Think like a husband," said William.

"I'm scared. I think she's in trouble and…I never should have left her."

"Where would she go?" asked William.

"She walks the beach," said Grissom.

They ran out now and stared down at the beach.

They followed the footprints that led down to the water.

"She went in this direction," said Grissom.

They began to run.

Grissom quickened his pace when they spotted her a mile down the beach line slowly walking towards them.

"Sara!"

Grissom rushed up pulling off his jacket and wrapping it around her. She was cold as ice and unresponsive.

"Sara?" asked William as he checked her vitals.

She stared at Grissom bringing her hand up to his cheek and then she was falling as Grissom caught her.

"We need to get her back," said Grissom. "We don't know how long she's been out here and hypothermia is a possibility."

Grissom lifted her into his arms and began to carry her.

Her head lulled back against his chest and he noticed that she was now unconscious.

"You think we should call an ambulance?" asked Grissom.

"There's no access to this beach until the beach houses," said William. "Besides, there's no phone reception because of those cliffs."

"Sara?" said Grissom as she moaned.

"Grissom, I can help carry her," said William.

"I've got her," he said.

"Look, while we're heading back. Let's talk."

"You don't miss an opportunity, do you?" asked Grissom.

"What did you want to talk to me about in that session?" asked William.

"I wanted to know if I should be concerned about this," he said as let the pain seep through.

"You didn't know this was going to happen. I didn't."

"Something was bothering her," said Grissom.

"What do you think it was?" asked William.

"Her diversion."

"Diversion?"

"She told me she wanted a baby."

"How did you react?"

"Like an idiot."

"Well, at least you're honest."

"I was too focused on us to even consider what she wanted or needed."

"Would your answer be different now?"

"Yes."

"Did you tell her?"

"No…I let things get in the way," said Grissom as he looked ahead and was glad to see the beach house up above. He felt her shiver. They quickened their pace.

"Gil, you need to know something but I'm not at liberty to break patient-doctor confidentiality."

Grissom glanced at Sara.

"Does this have anything to do with her choice of diversion?"

"Was it a choice?" asked William.

He almost stumbled when he realized what William had just told him.

"She's pregnant," said Grissom.

"I didn't tell you that," said William.

Grissom did the math in his head.

"Four months," he said as he readjusted her in his arms to hold her more firmly against him.

"How come you never married until now?" asked William.

"I never loved anyone until Sara."

"When did you fall in love with her?"

"Nine years ago."

"Geez…you must have gotten burned really bad."

Grissom glanced at him for a moment.

"You married?"

"No. I can't find anyone stupid enough to put up with me."

"You would like Jim Brass."

"Sara tells me I remind her of him…only the younger version."

"You're probably the same age as Brass."

"Okay so I added the younger part."

William looked ahead.

"I can get a reception now. I'll call for an ambulance and have them waiting for us."

He stopped and pulled out his phone as Grissom continued toward the beach house. William caught up as they continued in silence. Grissom kept his eyes on her breathing. She stirred again and he tried to make out what she was trying to say. He could not afford to stop at this point but continued in a hurried pace. They could hear the ambulance and William ran ahead to open the front door of the beach house.

Grissom stepped inside the house just as the EMTs came through the door. He placed her on the couch as they began to assess her condition.

"Her name is Sara Grissom, thirty five years old…four months pregnant," said Grissom.

"How long was she out there?" one asked.

"Not sure…she walked five miles…down to the cove," said William.

One of the EMTs checked her vitals and then began to run an IV.

"What are you giving her?" asked Grissom nervously.

"Just to warm her up. Her core temperature is too low," he said.

"Is she on any medication?"

William and Grissom exchanged glances.

"Prenatal vitamins," said Grissom.

"Doc, is she a patient of yours?" asked the EMT to William.

"She's a friend," said William.

"Anything else we need to know about?" asked the EMT.

"Her OB is Dr. Roberts," said William. "You'll need to contact her."

"She should be responsive by now. Sara…can you hear me?" asked one of the EMTs.

She moaned slightly and tried to say something. Grissom was able to read her lips this time.

_Baby…_

"I think we better take her in," said the EMT.

Sara woke just as they placed her in the ambulance.

Grissom gripped her hand firmly.

"It's going to be alright, Sara. I'm here," he said.

"Griss?"

"I'm here Sara," he said leaning down to kiss her cheeks.

"So cold," she said between chattering teeth.

"They're going to take you to the hospital," said Grissom.

"So cold…didn't mean to go so far…couldn't make it back…" she said before she drifted back into unconsciousness.

He sat there in the room as she slept.

William had come by and then left for the night. She was not in any danger but he refused to leave her side. He felt he had done enough of that for a lifetime. He was there. He wasn't leaving.

She had simply walked too far as she struggled with the death of her mother and the guilt she felt. She told herself it did not bother her but the thought that she had caused the death of someone had hurt her even if it was her abusive mother. She now could add the guilt of risking the life of her own unborn child. She wasn't sure when she noticed that her hand was held by him but she felt it warm and strong and she wanted to crawl into his arms but something kept her weighted down and so she lay there unable to move. She felt that way for several hours until it began to lift and she opened her eyes to find him there in the chair beside her.

He smiled slightly as he kissed her hand.

"Hey, how do you feel?" he asked.

"Groggy," she said.

"They gave you something to help you sleep," he said.

Her eyes widened with his statement and she was struggling to get up.

He gently held her down.

"Sara, it's okay. It was a mild sedative. It won't harm the baby. I made sure."

She settled back into the bed but now she was pulling away from him.

"The baby….is the baby okay?" she asked suddenly.

"They're going to do an ultrasound. Your OB will be coming by to see you."

"How did you…"

"It doesn't matter. I wished you would have told me. I never would have left you," he said.

She folded her hands in her lap and said nothing.

"I wasn't fair that night when you asked about having a baby. I never considered what you wanted. I'm sorry."

He wanted her to say something but she didn't.

She continued to sit there quietly.

"Sara…"

He was interrupted when a woman stepped into the room.

"Sara, you missed your appointment with me," she said sounding irritated.

Sara bit her lower lip. "I intended to come that day. I was on my way when…"

"Your OB appointments are the most important thing you can do for your baby. It helps us monitor the pregnancy to ensure nothing is wrong with your baby. Isn't that important to you? Do you want a healthy baby?"

"Yes….I uhm…" She tried to formulate the words in her mind but she was still trying to adjust having Grissom sitting here with the knowledge that she was pregnant. The events of the past several days flashed before her and she could feel her resolve giving way.

"They told me you walked five miles along the cove in this weather. You even got a mild case of hypothermia. It could have very well cost you this pregnancy. Was that your intention?"

Sara was shaking her head as Grissom watched the tears drop one by one.

"That's enough Dr. Roberts. I'll see you outside!"

Grissom practically pulled the woman from the room shutting the door firmly behind him. He whirled around and vented his fury on the woman.

"Sara lost her mother on the day of her OB appointment. She was upset after the grave side services and yes she walked too far along the cove. At no time did she ever intentionally place this baby at risk!"

"I uhm sorry no one told me…"

"I don't want you seeing my wife for any circumstances. I want another OB now!"

She disappeared down the hall as a nurse stood nearby.

"I'm sorry Mr. Grissom. Mrs. Roberts gets testy if she gets called out on the weekends."

"I want someone else….as soon as possible," he said.

He stepped back into the room and found her curled in a ball.

"Sara…"

"I never meant to…my fault…I should have been more careful," she said softly.

He pulled her into his arms and held her.

"I'm sorry Sara. You didn't deserve that."

"Yes…yes I did."

Another physician stepped into the room.

"The nurse just told me what happened. I'm sorry. I'm Dr. Randle. I'd be happy to examine your wife and set up an ultrasound in the next few minutes."

Grissom nodded.

They sat there as the technician began the ultrasound. Grissom held her hand tightly.

"Ever had one of these?" she asked.

Sara shook her head.

"It'll be a little cool…sorry. I bet you were just getting warm," she said with a smile.

Sara held her breath as the technician brought the baby into view. Sara stared at the monitor as she watched her son flip from side to side. He stopped for a moment and seemed to be staring back at them.

"Curious little fella," said the technician.

"Fella?" asked Grissom.

"It's a boy…you did want to know, right?"

Sara nodded.

"It's definitely a boy…no mistake."

He kissed her hand as he grinned.

He wiped the tear that slid down her cheeks.

"We have a son Sara!" he whispered. "Just look at him. He already has your curiosity."

"Is he okay?" she managed to get out.

The technician patted her arm. "He's perfect."

Sara's shoulders slumped back as if a huge load had been lifted.

"He's okay," she whispered as she tried to swipe away the tears only to give up as they continued to fall despite Grissom's attempt to assure her that everything was fine.

Dr. Randle stepped in and looked at the chart. She smiled at Sara who tried to hide the melancholy that seemed to envelope her.

"He looks good. I'm just going to listen to his heartbeat for awhile. Any discomfort? Any cramping or spotting?" she asked.

Sara shook her head.

"The baby seems to be just fine," Dr. Randle said. "Is there any questions?"

Sara shook her head.

"Sara, I'm sorry about your mother. It must be very hard for you at this time. Would you like to talk with one of our counselors?"

She shook her head.

"When can I go home?" asked Sara.

The physician looked at Grissom and then back at Sara.

"I'll check with your regular physician but I think it would be good if you spoke with someone."

Her physician had requested a consultation with psych before Sara could be permitted to leave. Grissom refused to let them see her and contacted William. He came to the hospital immediately. She was released within a few hours and soon they were back at the beach house. William insisted on talking with her the next day and Grissom agreed. He stopped and picked up something to eat before returning to the beach house. She went straight to bed. He set the food on a tray and they ate quietly in bed. She finished in record time and then slid down beneath the covers saying nothing as she closed her eyes and was thankful that sleep came quickly. He pulled the covers up and kissed her lightly on the forehead as he called Brass. He soon returned and joined her. He pulled her protectively against him and joined her in sleep.

He woke before her and slipped out of the room. William came by as they sat in the living room and talked.

"How is she?" he asked.

"She was a bit restless last night but she slept."

"Did you sleep?"

"A couple of hours."

"Now that you've had time to think about the baby…are you happy about the news?"

"Yes….I am."

"Have you told her that?" he asked.

"She went to sleep as soon as she finished eating…I thought it was best that she slept."

"Tell her A.S.A.P. She needs to hear that. She's been scared ever since your last visit."

"I love her. How could this…."

"She's afraid you'll feel trapped."

"I've been trapped ever since I fell in love with her. I don't mind being trapped. What I do mind is this distance between us. I want her to come home. I need her to come home. I'm worried about her."

"You should be," said William.

Grissom's head shot up.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Gil, she's not as strong as you think. She's fragile. She just hides the pieces that shatter so deep no one notices until it builds and builds and then this happens….she takes chances she shouldn't… She ran because she didn't want you to see her fall apart or self destruct. She's been through so much crap in her life. It's a wonder she hadn't. I think I might have. I'll admit if I were given the life she has led I would be completely screwed up. Not Sara. She pulled herself out of it again and again. Unfortunately everyone has their breaking point and Sara was at hers. She was making lead way with dealing with her past and was ready to come home until the pregnancy. It scared her but then she accepted it and she wanted this baby more than anything….even you. She wasn't prepared for your reaction. Your reaction devastated her."

Grissom stared at the coffee cup in his hand.

"She was talking to you that morning I found her sitting on the beach…wasn't she?"

"Yes. She couldn't stop crying. I talked with her for two hours…I had no idea she was sitting outside on the beach until we were almost done. It was frigid that morning."

"I remember," said Grissom.

"Look, even after you had to go back to Vegas, she was picking herself back up but then her mom had to kill herself and blame it on Sara. I should have asked about a suicide note. If I had known it was in the box, I would have taken it out and not let Sara see it until she was ready…on second thought I would have burned the damn thing. The bitch had done enough to Sara."

"You care for her a lot," said Grissom. "I'm grateful."

"If she had lost the baby, I'm not sure either of us would have been able to reach her. She loves that baby. It was part of the reason she was so upset that morning. She had to admit to herself that she loved the baby more than you. She was prepared to do whatever it took to protect him."

"I'm glad…I wouldn't expect anything less from her…it's part of the reason I love her…she loves so deeply without any care of the cost," he said.

"I know you have to get back…"

"I'm not leaving," said Grissom.

"What happens if they call you and tell you…"

"I'm not leaving…not without Sara," said Grissom.

"I think you need to talk with her about the baby…convince her you want him as much as she does because she's not going home unless she feels it's safe for the baby…."

"Safe? I would never harm my child!" he said sounding irritated.

"Sara's parents fought all the time about her. Her mother told her over and over that she was the root of their marital problems….in all honesty it seems the fighting began at Sara's birth. I think her mother was jealous of Sara's relationship with her father….whatever the reason, she treated Sara like crap and Sara has some scars that probably will never go away…Sara is not going to let that happen with her child."

"I would never…."

"Gil, you just have to tell her that…look I don't know if you've ever been around a pregnant woman before but hormones can bring out some pretty strange things. Sara has been exceptionally rational but she's very emotional and she hates that…the first time she broke down and cried in my office, she didn't come back for our next session. I had to come here. She broke down again and again. I finally made her take a pregnancy test. When it was positive, she virtually went into shock. I sat with her for hours until she was able to talk with me about it. She was afraid of your reaction. You had never indicated you wanted children. She told me that it was never discussed."

"It wasn't. I didn't want to have a child this late in my life but that ultrasound changed everything. I want him….as much as she does."

"Good. You have to convince her of this. She's going to need you. She needs to be with her friends again. She misses them especially Brass. I'm jealous of the man and I've never met him."

Grissom smiled. "Brass loves Sara…like a daughter. He's been my friend for years."

"She needs them….maybe even the job…but not right now. She needs to be stronger before going back to face dead bodies. Let her decide."

"What about counseling? If we go back…should she continue?"

"Not if you talk with her….I mean talk…none of this how was your day crap but how did you feel when you faced the dead body of the woman who had been raped and brutally murdered."

Grissom's head shot up.

"She tends to react more strongly on those kinds of cases," said Grissom as he stared at William.

"I'm blabbing….divulging more than I should but like I said I believe in this crap and if she's going to get better then you need to know some things," he said. "She can sue me."

"She won't. She…loves you," said Grissom.

"Yeah that's the way it is with my life. Those that are unavailable love me….you're lucky. She'll never love anyone else but you….that kind of love is rare….don't screw it up."


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter Twenty Five:**

She rose grabbing the oversized robe that belonged to Grissom and wrapped it around her.

She opened the door and stopped suddenly when she saw Grissom and William sitting there.

"Decided to get up for a chat?" asked William.

"This must not be good if you're both sitting here at this hour," she said walking to the kitchen and then pouring a glass of juice.

"How do you feel?" asked Grissom.

"Fine," she said.

"Good, let's chat," said William.

Sara sat down in the floor in front of the fire place.

She sipped on the juice and said nothing.

"How did you feel about the suicide note?" asked William.

"We don't need to do this," she said.

"How did you feel?" he asked again.

"How would you feel?" she shot back.

"My mother didn't kill herself…yours did….she blamed you."

"Like everything else," said Sara. "It wasn't anything different."

"How did you feel?" he asked. "I have time…lots of time," said William sitting back on the couch.

"William, I'm fine," she said.

"Bullshit Sara. Five miles along the cove. What the hell were you thinking?"

Grissom stared at William in disbelief.

"I needed to think," she said.

"Why? How did you feel?" he asked with arms folded.

She glared at him.

"Alone," she said barely above a whisper.

"You're married. How could you feel alone?" asked William.

She shook her head.

"Why do you think you're alone?" asked Grissom.

"I am."

Her answer surprised both of them.

"No Sara. You're not," said Grissom.

"You…didn't want the baby. I did. I couldn't go home…I uhm…" she stopped not wanting to break down so soon.

"You felt that since Grissom didn't want the baby, you were on your own. You couldn't go back," said William.

She nodded.

"I didn't mean to go so far. I needed to work some things out in my head. I couldn't come up with the answers. I tried…but they didn't come. I love you," she said looking at Grissom. "You know I love you…I think I've loved you since the moment I saw you but I love this baby…more. I had no choice….but I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing you again," she choked. She stopped as she swiped at the tears hiding her face in her arms.

Grissom started to get up but William stopped him.

"What did you decide to do?" asked William.

They could see her shoulders shake as she cried softly.

"Sara, what did you decide to do?" he asked again.

"I don't want to do this now William please," she begged.

"Maybe we…" Grissom was stopped by William.

"Sara, stop playing games. Answer the question," he said.

Grissom fidgeted noticeably upset with William.

Sara stood suddenly. "I'm not doing this." She walked past them and headed to the kitchen filling the glass again.

"Wish it was something other than juice?" William asked.

"Screw you," she said as she turned her back from them.

"Sara, what did you decide to do?" asked William.

"I wasn't coming home. I chose my baby over Grissom. There are you satisfied?" she yelled.

"I would be upset if you didn't," said Grissom.

She turned to stare at him.

"Sara, you made the right decision," said Grissom. "But you don't have to choose between us. I love this baby as much you do."

She stared at him but said nothing.

"Come home," he said. "Please."

"I'm not going back," she said.

"Then I'll stay here," he said. "I'll resign."

Her head shot up.

"You can't resign," she said.

"Yes, I can. I'm not going back to Vegas when my life is here. Sara, you and the baby are my life," he said.

"You don't have to…"

"What did you think I would do? You're my wife and that is my child…my child just as much as it is yours!"

"You didn't plan on this…" she began.

"Neither did you but it happened. I don't regret that it did. Please, come home," he said.

He was standing there in front of her within three strides.

"Please," he whispered.

"I'm scared, Gil….more than I've ever been," she admitted.

"I know. We can get through anything as long as we're together," Grissom said.

"Sara?"

"Yes, William?"

"You still feel alone?" he asked.

"No."

"Good. Let's talk some more," he said patting the couch beside him.

Sara glanced at Grissom.

"It's like having counseling with Brass," she said.

"He would have gladly talked with you," said Grissom.

"I know but why should I cuss out Brass," said Sara. "The man I love like a father when I can cuss out William."

William cleared his throat, "I heard that. She does have a foul mouth when she's angry."

"Don't piss me off," she said coming to sit down beside him.

He took her hand and motioned for Grissom to sit back down in the chair.

"Sara, repeat after me. My mother killed herself. I am not responsible for her death."

She stared into the fire.

"I testified at the parole hearing."

"If you didn't and the parole board had denied her parole, she most likely would have done it. She took the cowardly way out. Repeat after me," he said.

"My mother killed herself. I am not …." She stopped.

"Sara, say it."

"Why did she leave the note? Why…"

"She wanted to punish you one more time Sara. You are not to blame for what she did in her marriage or to your father or to you. She was responsible….you were a child Sara….an innocent child. If you and Grissom split up, would you blame this baby?"

"No."

"Why not? You were going to leave Grissom because of the baby. Why not blame your unborn child?"

"It's not his fault. He didn't ask to be born. He's an innocent child…" she stopped when she felt herself struggling to breathe once more.

She felt her hand being tugged by William.

"You can cry. There's nothing wrong with crying, Sara. It doesn't mean you're weak. You're stronger than either of us."

"She shouldn't have done that," she said between sobs. "I loved her even though…" William held her as she cried.

"I know honey. It's a bitch when family treats you like shit. They're supposed to comfort us and protect us. You know that. You're not like her Sara. You'll never be like her."

He let her cry.

She cried for several minutes and then the tears began to slow.

"What are your plans?" asked William.

"Plans?" she asked.

"Sara, your lease is ending next week," he said. "You need to make some plans."

"I'm uhm giving up the lease," she said.

Grissom gripped his seat.

"Where are you going?" asked William.

"I'm going home…with Grissom."

"Are you sure?" asked William.

"Yes…I am," she said.

"I think you have one more thing to discuss before you can go back," said William.

"One more thing?" asked Sara.

"Sara, I told you we would get through your past and then you would be ready to go home."

"We have," she said.

He shook his head. "No, we haven't."

"Yes…we have," she said getting up to stand near the fire.

Grissom glanced at William. "Do you two want to discuss this in private or…"

"I have nothing to hide," she said with arms folded.

"Let's save this for another day," said William getting up.

"Let's do this now," she said. "I'm tired of the past."

William glanced at Grissom.

"I'll be back tomorrow."

"Who's avoiding the issue now?" asked Sara.

"Eat breakfast…rest today. I'll be back tomorrow," said William.

"Out with it," she said.

"Sara…"

"Look, we've done the Hank, Heather, Natalie shit. I'm done with it," she said. "I want to go home!"

"Not yet," said William.

"Yes, we can," she said.

"You're not ready."

"Yes, I am."

William folded his arms. "Okay. Mind if we include Grissom?"

"Go for it," she said.

He directed his questions to Grissom.

"When Sara was under your supervision, were there certain cases that seemed more difficult for her to handle?"

Grissom flinched.

"Domestic violence and…rape cases."

Sara's eyes remained fixed on William.

"Did she ever tell you why?"

"Domestic violence cases were because of her parents."

"What about the rape cases?" he asked.

Grissom was silent.

William returned her gaze now. "Sara?"

"Who wouldn't be?" she said breaking eye contact now.

"Why did those kinds of cases bother you?" asked William.

"They just did," she said.

"I did some checking…I know you'll cuss me later but I had to know," he said.

Sara whirled around and glared at him.

He pulled out a piece of paper and held it in his hand.

"Sara…want to put this off until tomorrow?" asked William.

"You bastard….you had no right. I never gave you permission…"

"Yes, you did honey. I wouldn't be able to help you if I didn't do some digging."

"I think Sara's been through enough," said Grissom stepping between them.

"I trusted you! I never asked you to…I never said anything…

William stepped forward quickly. "It's what you didn't say that made sense. I had to know. He needs to know Sara. He needs to know what sets you off. He needs to know so you don't let this build up again."

"I won't," she said. "I'm not going to discuss this with either of you."

"Why not?"

"This is over."

"Tomorrow," he said heading to the door.

"No, I'm leaving…I'm going home," she said.

William stopped.

He turned and looked at Grissom.

"I can't let you do that," William said.

"You have no choice," she said.

William and Grissom exchanged glances.

"Grissom, what do you have to say about this?"

Grissom stared at the floor. "Tomorrow."

Sara glared at Grissom. "You have no say in this."

"Yes…I do. You're my wife and I'm worried about you. Tomorrow."

"No."

"We can't go back until we get through this….all of this," said Grissom.

"Gil, please," she said.

William headed toward the door again.

Grissom followed this time walking him out to his vehicle.

Once they were outside, Grissom grabbed him by the arm.

"You think this is a good idea…she's been through enough with her mother."

"I have no choice. If she's leaving by the end of next week then we need to get her to talk about this," said William.

He looked at Grissom. "You've known haven't you?"

"I never checked for a police report but...yes I knew...her reactions to each case...forced me to accept that something had happened. I just never confronted her…I couldn't."

"What did you learn from observing her?" he asked.

Grissom sighed. "She reacts strongly to cases that involve victims that have been attacked from behind, pinned down, use of force…God she's been through hell," he said trying to grasp his own emotions.

"I think you may need a session after this," said William.

"The paper…" said Grissom.

He handed it to Grissom. It was a blank piece of paper.

"Good thing she didn't call my bluff," William said. "I couldn't find a report anywhere but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist especially the way she reacted when she thought I had it in my possession."

"William?"

"Yeah?"

"You think you should be pushing her so hard?"

"I have to…she never wanted us to know. She shared everything but that. It's been the root of the problem. You can't let her hide it Grissom even if she refuses."

"What happens if she refuses to talk about it tomorrow?"

"Let's hope that doesn't happen."

Grissom stepped back inside and found her sitting on the couch.

"Breakfast?" he asked.

She nodded.

She cleaned her plate and then took her medicine. She did all this without talking. He glanced at her from time to time as she stood, pulling out a box and began placing things in it.

"Do you have a lot to pack?" he asked.

"Not really. Just some books, clothes….I could be ready in a few hours," she said.

"Sara…"

She disappeared into the bedroom and soon he heard the shower turn on. He stepped inside and watched as she let the water run over her body.

"Would you like for me to wash your hair?" he asked.

"I uhm…yes," she said as he stepped in and she felt his hands massaging her scalp. It felt good.

"You should be resting today," he said.

"I will," she said.

She did.

She found herself back in bed with him by her side.

"You don't have to lie down…"

"I just want to be near you," he said caressing her abdomen while kissing her softly on the lips.

"Griss, if you keep doing that…don't stop," she whispered as she turned her body towards him.

"Love you Sara so much," he managed to get out between gulps of air as he continued his assault on her lips. There were no further words as they came together and she clung to him climbing higher and higher, letting him take the lead and then plunging together. He buried his head in her neck and for a second she thought she felt wetness but he moved to the side pulling her with him.

"We've not talked about the baby," he said.

"I wanted to tell you," she said.

"I know. Sara, I do love this baby. One look at the ultrasound and I was sold," he said.

"You can read my journal now," she said.

"It's about the baby, isn't it?" he asked.

She nodded. "I began writing it as soon as I suspected…thought it would help with the strange sensations…I thought I was getting worse…hormones…William…" she stopped sitting up in the bed with her legs drawn up against her chest.

"What about William?"

"He…he made me take the pregnancy test. He guessed it before I did and then I just kind of…fell apart."

"He cares a lot about you. He wouldn't do anything to hurt you…you know that, right?"

"Do you trust me?" she asked.

"Yes…yes I do."

"I want to leave," she said swinging her feet over the side of the bed.

"We will as soon as the last session is over," he said.

"No. I want to leave now," she said.

"Sara, you can't run. You've got to…."

"I don't want to go through that again," she said.

"I'll be here with you. We'll go through it together," he said.

She sat there staring at the floor.

It had already turned chilly.

"We could talk about it together," he said quietly.

"Did he…tell you anything?" she asked.

"No."

"What about the police report?" she asked.

"He wants to hear it from you."

He grabbed her hand as she started to stand, "Sara, talk to me. Tell me. Just you and me."

She shook her head. "I can't."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Why not? I don't want to go through that hell again. It's done. To talk about it, brings it back…I don't want to go back there…to that time," she said as she shivered.

He rubbed her arms.

"Come back to bed," he whispered. "I'll keep you both warm."

It made her smile. She snuggled up close to him and he covered them with the blanket. He kissed her softly and held her while he began to recite Shakespeare. He smiled when he felt the tension leave her body and soon she was sleeping. He was content to just hold her as the hours passed. They snacked for lunch and he knew that soon he would need to wake her for dinner but for now he wanted nothing more than to hold his family. At that moment, she was safe and secure in his arms.

He closed his eyes and let himself nod off. Their legs and arms were intertwined and he knew that she would not be able to get up without waking him. He glanced at the clock once more before closing his eyes. It was her voice that woke him. He stirred immediately and found her still lying in the same position. He yawned and then frowned when he saw the clock. He had not intended to sleep that long. He was glad she had.

Grissom rolled over and gently moved her to the other side of the bed releasing his body from the entanglement. He stretched as he stood and headed toward the door when he heard her voice once more. He stopped and listened. She used to talk a lot. He remembered the nightmares she used to have. They were hellish. She would wake screaming or thrashing about. When he would confront her, she blamed it on a recent case but when he offered to remove her from some types of cases she became angry citing she was just as strong as the next person and she would not have it.

He attempted to talk with her about them but she refused saying they were only dreams. The more he poked and prodded the more resistant she became and took to slipping out of their bed to sleep alone on the couch. He put an end to that by carrying her back to the bed. He no longer pushed her to talk about them but took another tactic. When the nightmares came, he held her whispering softly to her and comforting her as if she were a child. The nightmares decreased over time and eventually they were nonexistent until Natalie. This brought about a new set of nightmares but they too seemed to disappear soon but of course there was the matter of the different shifts and he was no longer there to comfort her.

He cursed inwardly at the decisions he had made over the past year. He stood there now and listened intently for any signs or clue of her dream. It was a word here or there but then the familiar thrashing came followed by the gut wrenching scream that escaped her lips. He was there in one stride sitting on the edge of the bed. His hands gently caressed her cheek but she reacted as if the touch had harmed her and her hands shot out in defense.

He grabbed them sending her into a fit of hysterics as she struggled to break free. He was calling her name now trying to awaken her but she was caught in the hellish nightmare fighting for her life. He attempted to hold her as he pulled her up despite the beating of her fists on his chest and then her eyes shot open. They were huge and round and he saw something he had never seen before. Sara was frightened. Not even when he saw the parking garage video footage of Sara's abduction did he see her frightened.

"Sara?"

She jerked up the covers as if to hide her body and then pulled her legs tightly to her chest as she visibly shook.

"Sara?"

She sat there staring at her surroundings as he gently reached out to touch her but she recoiled.

"Sara…it was a dream….nothing more. No one is going to hurt you," he said softly.

Their eyes met and slowly he inched forward until he was able to pull her ever so slowly into his arms. He gently comforted her as she trembled in his arms.

"Tell me about the dream," he whispered.

She shook her head.

"I don't want to…please don't make me Grissom….please," she choked out.

"Sara, by keeping silent, you give it power over you. Talk to me," he said.

"I want to go home," she said.

He had waited months for her to say that. He wanted nothing more than to throw their things into her car and leave immediately. He wanted her safe in the townhouse in their bed with their dog.

"Last session," he said.

It was not what she wanted to hear.

"Let's go into town and get something to eat," he said.

She shook her head.

"Sara…"

"I want to leave," she said.

"No."

It echoed in the room.

Note from author:

You have no idea what I went through in order to post this morning...I have had problems with pc. because of new equipment...let's just say I love the geek guys that helped me out today! Thanks for the reviews and let's continue!

Take care,

Penny


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter Twenty Six:**

He grabbed her hand and held it firmly.

"I love you…I don't want to hurt you but if I let you leave here without finishing this then that's what I will be doing. Sara, you have to let this go…talk with me," he said forcing her to look at him. "You have to do this for yourself…for us…for the baby. You can talk with William alone …."

"No!"

"Then I'll be there with you…or you can talk with me now…just you and me," he said caressing the middle of her palm.

"I uhm…can't," she said.

"Remove yourself. It's a case. Tell me the details…no names…just what happened," he said.

She glanced at him.

"We should start dinner," she said.

He let her go.

He stood there in the kitchen beside her as they threw together something light for dinner. Her appetite was good. She even went for seconds and then retreated to the couch.

"Going to miss the solitude," she said. "Sitting here by the fire…hearing the waves outside…slipping out at any time for a walk on the beach," she said.

"Hank will be glad you're home. He's missed being turned loose in the park," he said.

"You should turn him loose," she said. "He would come back."

"I'll wait and test that theory when you're home," he said.

She half smiled as she stared into the fire. "Feels so warm…nice…not cold," she said.

"I could get you a blanket," he offered.

"No…thanks," she said.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?"

"Did it happen in San Francisco or Las Vegas?"

She looked confused for a moment but then knew what he was trying to do.

"San Francisco."

"On the job or…."

"both."

He sucked in air as he sat down trying hard not to let his emotions creep into his voice.

"Explain."

"We were working on a case…suspect could not be located…we had been tracking him for weeks…getting closer and closer and then we were finally able to identify him. A warrant was issued. We were waiting for him to be spotted and picked up. He spotted us instead."

"He'd been watching the lab?"

"He'd been watching us go back and forth to the crime scene."

"Why…"

"The first time we were rushed out because of the fire…we were forced to leave but then we were given the okay in a couple of days to return and see if we could find anything…found mostly charred office equipment….not much except I located a couple of prints…it belonged to…the suspect. We ran it and got a name…definitely fit the M.O…arrest warrant was issued. We thought it was the end," she said.

"What happened?" he said quietly.

"He followed us….guess he figured it would be a matter of time before he was picked up. We used to stop off at this place for dinner every evening. We kind of were celebrating that we had broken the case," she said.

"Your partner?"

"Just another CSI…we were assigned from time to time. We were both a bit gun ho about the job," she said.

"You were young…probably just out of the academy," he said.

"I'd been a CSI for two years" she said. "Tim was new…just got married."

"He followed you…what happened?"

"We'd work a double….tired…hadn't slept much that week because of the case. I had driven that day. Tim's wife had to use the car because hers was having problems. I dropped him off and then drove home. I didn't know that he…he was waiting for Tim. He had already gotten there several hours before…Tim's wife had been dead about an hour when Tim walked in and found her. He uhm killed Tim…slowly." She glanced at Grissom for a moment. "Greg reminds me of Tim…always joking. They wouldn't let me see his body but I knew it had been brutal…the rumors in the office along with the looks and stares." She gulped and returned her gaze toward the fire. "I had been home for a couple of hours. I had eaten something and then gone to bed. I uhm turned on the stereo…I used to listen to music…it helped me to fall asleep. It's what woke me. It was louder than I remembered. I got up and went to it. I reached to turn it off when I noticed the sticky substance on the knob. It was blood."

She stopped as she continued to stare into the fire.

"Sara…"

"It's strange when your work seeps into your personal life. For the life of me, I stood there and wondered how the blood got there and before I could react, I felt…hands grabbing me. I instantly smelled copper. I tried to bite him. I wanted to vomit when I realized the odor was coming from his hand that covered my mouth. I tried to kick him and felt myself being thrown to the floor. The air was knocked out of me and then I felt a sharp kick in the ribs. It was a great shot…three broken ribs. I struggled to get to my revolver that was sitting on the counter and felt myself being kicked once more. I must have passed out because I don't remember…I mean I don't think I would have gone willingly to the bedroom…it's where I woke. My wrists hurt. He held me down waiting for me to wake. I was told it was better if I struggled. I did. Griss, I know I should have stopped struggling but I couldn't. He liked it…he told me I was better than Tim's wife. She just screamed and screamed until he broke her neck. It was then I learned that Tim and his wife were dead. I was next."

She stopped again and he was glad. He wanted her to stop. He wanted to make her stop talking and tell her to never talk about it again. He wanted nothing more than to erase it from her memory as he watched her slowly sink back into the past and was now acting as an observer to a horrific scene. He was quiet for a long time not sure if they should continue or leave the rest of it until tomorrow but then the thought of having to go through it was too much to bear.

"Sara…"

"They missed us at work and then there were the neighbors who spotted blood on the sidewalk that led them to call the police. They were found…Tim and his wife. There was the matter of me. I was always on time so they sent a patrol car to check. I remember hearing the banging on the door and then he was back in the room and I was ready to die but then there was gunfire and then he was falling on the bed and I was telling myself, I would soon find out how difficult it was going to be to remove blood stains from walls. I made it to the bathroom before vomiting at least. I uhm pulled out some dirty clothes from the hamper and dressed while the officer banged on the door until I thought my head would explode. He watched as I grabbed my field kit and began setting up evidence markers throughout the house. He left me alone to work. I sat down when my supervisor arrived and I told him it was almost done. I had stacked up the evidence bags along the wall. There wouldn't be much work. The man was dead….lying in my bed…never could sleep much in a bed after that…couch was better. The case was closed. My boss wanted to protect me from the news media. There was nothing to be gained from having it plastered all over the news how an ex cop had managed to elude the police for months killing six women and then a CSI and his wife…and…he left it up to me. I didn't want anyone to know. I just wanted it to go away. Nothing would change what had happened. They told me there was no need for a report…he was dead…but then William got the report…it wasn't supposed to exist."

"Sara…."

"Is that enough? Can I go home?" she asked without looking.

He couldn't breathe. He quickly knelt on the floor in front of her. He did not mean to frighten her but he did. She pushed him away as soon as his hands came near her. It was the pain in her eyes and the plea of apology that made him gather her into his arms.

"That's enough," he whispered. "That's enough."

His embrace was short lived as she pushed him away running to the bathroom. It was the retching that made him curse. He tried the door but it was locked. He could hear her struggling to breathe between bouts of nausea followed by the retching and then gasps once more. The sobs came and he began to knock. His knocking turned to pounding when she did not unlock the door. He stopped suddenly and listened. The sobs were gone.

"Sara?"

He heard the water turn on and he could hear movement. He stood there and eventually the door clicked and he stepped inside quickly.

"You okay?"

She sat there now on the edge of the tub.

"Sara?"

"I uhm don't feel well," she managed to get out. "No more please."

He had her back in bed in his arms within minutes. He rocked her telling her it was over and then he soothingly hushed her to sleep. She couldn't. She lay there feeling herself nod off only to jerk herself awake. He would rub her back and attempting to coax her to sleep only to have the same thing happen again and again until she finally got up and went to the kitchen to make some tea. Her hands trembled and she grasped the cup firmly to hide it but he knew. He knew she suffered. She crawled into a ball on the couch and attempted to sleep but it did not come. By morning, she was completely exhausted and she wanted nothing more than to sleep but it remained elusive.

William arrived.

Sara was now in the bathroom soaking in the tub. Grissom hoped it would help her to relax so that she could fall asleep. Grissom sat there in the living room and told him about their conversation.

"This is good," William said.

"It's enough," said Grissom. "I'm not putting her through anything more. She can't sleep. She's completely exhausted but she can't seem to shut down."

"I could give her something."

"She doesn't want to take anything because of the baby."

"She may need to just for a night or two….once her body sleeps again it will be easier the next night."

William stared at her when she walked into the room. She said nothing as she returned to the couch.

"Heard you couldn't sleep," he said softly.

"I'm not up to talking," she said.

"I could give you something," he offered.

She shook her head quickly.

"Sara, you need to sleep," said Grissom.

"I don't want to risk…." she said.

"It won't harm the baby," William said quickly. "I promise."

William disappeared for a moment but returned. He retrieved a glass of water from the kitchen and then handed it to Sara along with a pill. She took it. He patted her arm.

"You did good Kid," he said with a smile. He bent over and kissed her lightly on the forehead.

"If you need me, you call," he said getting up to leave.

"William?" she called suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," she said.

"Come see me before you leave," he said.

She nodded.

She lay there now watching the flames dance about. Grissom took his seat by the fire opening his book and began to read out loud. He glanced every now and then and was happy when her eyelids began to flutter. Soon she was asleep. He continued to read for awhile forcing his mind to concentrate on the words rather than the events that had taken place. He knew he should sleep as well but at the moment, he just wanted to sit there by her side, knowing that she was getting the rest she needed.

He made coffee.

He pulled out his phone and called Brass.

He needed to talk with someone.

He listened like he always did.

Once Grissom was done, the silence remained on the phone.

"Jim?"

"Bring her home, Gil."

"I am. We'll be home in a few days….don't tell the others. I think she's going to need some time alone before they start coming…"

"No sharing of problems. Sara doesn't need them dumping that crap as soon as she gets back."

"I agree," said Grissom.

"Stay in touch," said Brass.

Note from author:

Thanks for the reviews. I've really enjoyed them between bouts of yelling at my p.c. LOL.

Take care,

Penny


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter Twenty Seven:**

He was back in his chair now. He set his cup down when it almost dropped from his hand. He had nodded off briefly. He closed his eyes and felt the need to sleep. She rolled on the couch and he was on his feet immediately. Just as another roll was inevitable, he picked her up and deposited her into the bed lying next to her.

Her eyes flew open immediately and she was struggling to get up.

"Sara, it's just me," he whispered.

"Griss?"

"You were rolling. I didn't want you to fall off the couch. Go back to sleep," he said.

She curled up next to him and drifted back to sleep. He let himself.

He expected the nightmares to return. He had already seen firsthand how horrific they could be. He was not prepared to be awakened by the screams so soon. She was back there in that hellish place and he struggled to calm her. She pleaded with him to release her. He tried not to grab her by the wrists but there was no other way to keep her from hurting herself. It made it worse as she struggled and struggled with each scream.

"Sara?"

Her struggles lessened. He stroked her hair releasing one of her hands. She slapped at his hand and it startled him. He gulped.

"Sara?"

She was thrashing again as she tried to fight her way free.

"Sara! Stop it!"  
His voice shook her. She stared at him not sure of what had happened.

"Sara, it's just me," he said.

She swallowed hard as her hand covered her mouth.

"It's just me," he whispered.

"Sorry…so sorry," she whispered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said gruffly.

She tried to pull herself up but he gently pulled her back down.

"It's still early, just lie here with me," he whispered. She curled her body up next to his and he gently rubbed her back. She found herself drifting back to sleep. The feel of his hands on her back felt good as her own hands rested on his chest. She lingered between sleep and consciousness. She drifted in and out of this state. She did not become alarmed when she felt his weight on her. She welcomed the warmth. Bells were sounding in her head when she felt hands on her wrist and still she did not panic telling herself she was safe with Grissom. She lay there letting her feel the sensations as one of his hands stroked the inner part of her breast and she felt it slide down and now was nearing her inner thigh. She remained calm.

"It's better if you scream," she heard.

She bolted from the bed sending pillows and covers flying in Grissom's direction. He grabbed her by the wrist and she fought him. Another hand caught her around her waist and she continued to thrash and was determined to get away. She felt herself being pulled back into the bed and it was then that she felt the loss of air from her lungs as if she had been kicked once again.

_He likes it when you fight…._

_If you stop fighting, he'll kill you…_

_He's going to kill me anyway…._

"Sara, wake up!" he said.

Her body stilled.

"Sara?"

Her body shook uncontrollably but she lay there.

"Sara?" Grissom gently caressed her cheek and her eyes flew open.

Frightened brown eyes stared into blue.

"Sara?"

She clung to him. He felt the wetness on her cheek and he pulled her tightly against him.

"Talk to me," he whispered. "What were you dreaming?"

"I uhm hate this," she said shivering.

"You hate how it makes you feel. Sara, you never dealt with the rape," he said.

It made her body stiffen.

"I uhm…"

"Sara, he raped you."

She tried to pull away but he refused to release her.

"Sara, say it."

She shook her head.

"Don't do this…finish it. What did he do to you?" he whispered.

She shut her eyes and refused to answer.

Grissom sighed. He leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips. She tensed at first but then relaxed beneath him. He pulled her wrists up to his lips and kissed each palm. She remained calm. He pulled her hands back in a pinning position and yet she remained still. He leaned in for another kiss and she opened up for him. He deepened the kiss and then released her lips as he began a trail of kisses down her neck and ended just above her breasts.

He leaned down placing his lips just beside her ear and whispered. "I would never hurt you."

It was not what she heard.

She heard the voice of someone else and suddenly she was no longer with Grissom but back there in that hell. She gulped back a wave of emotion as she struggled to free her hands that were pinned.

"He held your hands down…you were pinned," he whispered.

"Let me go," she pleaded.

"What did he do?" asked Grissom.

He could feel her chest heave up and down as she began to panic.

"You're pinned…what did you do?"

"I uhm…can't get him off me. I just want him off me. He won't release my wrists."

She cried out in pain.

"Sara!"

"He broke my wrist. I felt it snap. It hurts…the pain is good," she whispered.

"Why?"

"It distracts my mind. I don't struggle as much. I screamed when he…the pain helped me to disassociate myself."

He noticed she had switched from present tense to past. He was relieved.

Grissom swallowed hard.

"He raped you," he whispered.

"It was painful…but the pain from the broken wrist helped me to focus on it rather than what he was doing to the rest of my body. God, Grissom. I didn't think it would end. I wanted to vomit. I could smell the blood on his clothes…on his body. He uhm got off me and I thought he was going to kill me then but he didn't. He went into the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge. I tried to move but couldn't get my body to cooperate. He was back by the time I had managed to pull myself up to a sitting position. He held my gun in his hand. He walked over and for a minute, I told myself this was it but instead he pushed me back down into the bed. I glanced at the clock and realized only an hour had passed."

"What happened next?" whispered Grissom.

"He set the beer down on the table beside the bed and it started again." She started to cry and he wanted to tell her it was enough when she continued. "I stopped struggling. I wanted him to kill me. When I didn't scream, he cursed. He kept yelling at me but I didn't care anymore. I wanted it to be over. He grabbed my broken wrist and it made me cry out. He found another tactic to get off. My wrist cracked in another place. He then tried the ribs…another rib broke. I knew if I fought back, he would continue. If I did nothing, he would slowly beat me to death."

She swallowed hard.

"What did you do?" he asked.

"I uhm…told him I'd had better. It pissed him off. I kept telling him how pathetic he was and then I felt his hands on my throat. I welcomed it. I lost consciousness."

Sara felt wetness on her cheek and realized it did not come from her but Grissom.

"I'm not sure how long I was out. The next thing I remembered was the banging on the door and then…it was over." She lay there quietly. "It was never over. I buried it. I put it away inside me and pretended it didn't happen."

"Sara…"

"I uhm went back to work in a couple of days. I threw myself into my work and it paid off. I was moving up. My boss intentionally kept me from some cases for awhile but soon it was impossible. I moved…to Las Vegas."

"I'm sorry. If I had known…"

"I didn't want you to know. I thought I had left that in San Francisco. I mean I thought I had already dealt with it in my own way."

"What do you mean?"

"I uhm forced myself to date within a few months. I just wanted to know that another man could touch me without sending me off the deep end. I did. I dated this guy in the D.A.'s office. He was nice…very serious about relationships. He was focusing on the future while I was just focusing on seeing if I could have a sex life."

She licked her lips and sighed loudly. "I used him. I just needed to know that I wasn't permanently damaged. He never suspected what had happened. I forced myself to let him touch me. I never screamed or pulled away. He was gentle and kind and it helped me. After a month or so, I called it off. He was hurt. It hurt as much as the…rape. I felt I had violated him with my lies. I never intended to have a permanent relationship with him. I swore I would never get into a casual relationship again. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I saw him several months later and he was dating someone else. I was glad."

He kissed her softly on the lips.

"I love you Sara."

"Gil? Can we go home?" she asked.

"Yes, we can."

"I want to go home now," she said.

They got up and packed her few belongings. They then took one last walk on the beach before heading into town for a bite to eat. William joined them. Sara told him about the final session and he squeezed her hand as he kissed it.

"That's my girl," he said.

She smiled.

She was going to miss him.

"Let me know when the baby is born," he said.

"Vegas isn't that far," she said.

"Think you can stand two men like Brass around?" he asked.

"Yes, I can."

"I'll come when the baby is born," he said.

It made her smile.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

William shook Grissom's hand as Sara sat in the vehicle.

"Take good care of her. If you ever need me, call me. Call me just to let me know how she's doing," said William.

"I will."

They talked about everything and nothing.

It felt good to talk about nothing important.

He took the opportunity to mention the gang.

"They love you Sara but they also have gotten used to handing you their problems. No more."

She stared at him.

"Afraid I might run again," she said sounding a little hurt.

He grabbed her hand and held it even though she tried to pull away.

"No Sara. You have a diversion that is going to take up most of your time…it will be a nice change," he said kissing her hand. She seemed to accept his explanation.

"I never minded," she said quietly.

"I know and that's why there's going to be some changes," he said.

"Changes?" she asked.

"We talk…really talk," he said.

"That'll be a first," she said before she could stop herself.

She glanced at him and saw the frown.

"I mean it. We talk before we do anything else," he said.

She nodded.

"You…don't believe me, do you?" he asked.

"We never really talked before," she said.

"You never felt like you had to leave. I never felt that scared in my life. I'll talk," he said.

He remembered his many discussions with Heather.

"I've gotten good at talking," he said out loud.

"Gil, about my leaving…"

"Don't. I'm just as much to blame there as you," he said. "I should have been there for you. I never should have agreed to the separate shifts. It was too much."

"Still, I'd been pushing you to share yourself with me and then I...stopped sharing even myself. It must have been confusing and hard for you," she said.

It had been but he had learned so much about himself than she could have ever taught him. Lady Heather had helped also. She had been there to comfort him when he wanted nothing more than to withdraw from everything and everyone.

"I know this isn't going to be easy for you," she said. "It was hard for you to share with me…and soon there will be a baby."

"Actually it is," he said.

"In five months, we'll have a baby demanding all of our attention. We'll have less time together," she said.

"We'll also have a huge network of friends willing to help," he said.

She smiled.

She missed them.

"Yes, we do," she said as she yawned.

"Take a nap," he said.

He intended to stop for lunch but she was sleeping too sound. He could not bring himself to wake her. She had slept little the past few days. He sat in their driveway as she continued to sleep. She rolled over in the seat and opened her eyes. He smiled at her.

"We're home," he said softly.

She quickly sat up and looked around. She was out in an instant as he hurried to catch up with her. He unlocked the door but stopped her when she started to enter. She grinned when he picked her up and carried her through the door.

"Welcome home, Mrs. Grissom."

It was good to be home. She found herself walking around the townhouse inspecting each and every piece of furniture. She stopped at the fridge.

"Hungry?" he asked.

She nodded.

She pointed to the photo and smiled. "I remember when that photo was taken."

"Me too," he said with a grin.

"You were different in San Francisco," she said returning the grin.

"Want to go out?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"I just want to stay here. I've wanted to come home for a long time," she managed to get out.

He was there in an instant and soon they were making their way to the bedroom.

He hesitated a moment when he removed her top.

"You know maybe we should…"

She pulled him down for a kiss and when he tried to pull away, she did it again and again.

"Sara…"

"Gil, I'm glad we're home," she whispered.

He smiled when he entered her gently. He took his time savoring every touch and feel of her beneath him. He kissed her lightly as he felt her body rising up to meet his and then she was pulling him down until they were nose to nose.

"Rollercoasters," she whispered.

He grinned. "Too slow?" he asked.

"Very," she said.

He smiled later when she continued to gasp for air.

"Fast enough?" he asked.

She nodded with a grin.

"Good because I suddenly feel very hungry and tired and…" he was interrupted by a knock on the door. As they lay there, the knock became a bang. They glanced at one another.

"I'll be right back," he said.

He pulled on his clothes and headed to the door.

Brass rushed past him.

"Where is she?" he asked.

Grissom sighed.

"I thought we agreed…"

"I thought that meant for the others. I'm different," he said looking around.

"I'd recognize that voice anywhere," she said with a smile on her face.

He was there immediately with a hug and Grissom stood there frowning.

"Don't mind him. He's just hungry and tired," said Sara.

"I've missed you," he whispered.

"I missed you too," she said.

"I uhm heard about the baby," he said with a grin.

Sara glanced at Grissom.

"I'm glad he told you," she said.

"Hey, how about this place I found. It's out of the way…few know about it but the food is great," said Brass.

Sara smiled.

"Give me a few minutes," she said. "Just a quick shower."

They watched as she left the room.

Grissom walked past Brass but then stopped.

"The shower can only hold two people…you're not coming," said Grissom.

It was Brass's turn to frown.

Dinner was great. She sat beside Grissom but held Brass's hand at the table. Grissom did not mind. He had the other hand with his arm wrapped firmly around her shoulder. She would turn from time to time to smile when his hand would leave the shoulder and wander about her body. If it got too mischievous, she would pull it back around her shoulder. He would merely grin and start the process all over again. This did not go unnoticed by Brass.

"You're acting like a pair of newlyweds," said Brass staring at Grissom.

"We are," said Grissom.

"Enjoy it," said Brass. "Baby will be here before you know it and then everything changes."

Sara tensed as she picked up her glass of water and drank some.

The two men exchanged glances.

"You know the only time my ex and I got along was when she was pregnant and then the birth of Ellie. She was a good baby…never cried much. Always smiling," he said sipping his coffee.

"Don't take that time for granted," said Brass. "Time goes by so quickly."

Sara seemed to ease a bit. She yawned and it was their cue to leave.

"I'm glad you're home Kiddo," he said kissing her on the forehead.

"Come and visit me," she whispered. "We can do lunch."

"My treat," he said.

"Just don't overdo it," warned Grissom.

Brass and Sara exchanged looks.

"What?" asked Grissom.

"No hovering," she said.

"I would never…you just got back. Lunches and dinners are mine for awhile."

It made her grin.

"Don't want to share?" she asked.

"Not yet," he admitted.

"I'll wait," said Brass.

He was annoyed when there was a tap on the door a few minutes later.

He cursed inwardly.

Sara grinned. "Jim must have forgotten something."

"We need to move…leave no forwarding address," he muttered as he backed his way out of the bed.

"Let me," she said. "I think you would yell at him."

Sara kissed him on his bare shoulder as she grabbed the robe and wrapped it around her naked body. He pulled her tightly against him for a moment.

"I've missed having you here…in our bed," he said.

"I'll be right back," she said as she padded off to the door. She opened the door wide and came face to face with Lady Heather.

Note from author:

Oops...well, you knew that was going to happen sooner or later. Leave a review.

Take care,

Penny


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter Twenty Eight:**

Grissom stepped in the foyer and froze.

"I'm sorry," said Lady Heather quickly. "I'm glad you're back."

They were not sure who it was meant for.

Sara look confused as she glanced at Grissom and then Heather.

"We got back a few hours ago," said Grissom quickly.

"I won't disturb you then," said Heather as she started to leave.

"You're uhm not disturbing us," said Sara. "Come in."

Heather glanced at Grissom.

He told himself to remain calm.

It was a friend just visiting another friend.

He also remembered Sara's insecurity when it came to Heather.

He also remembered a promise he had made.

"_Sara, I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say? I should have called," said Grissom as he made his way to yet another room as she attempted to dodge the conversation._

"_Fine," she said as she grabbed her coffee cup._

_He sat down across from the couch and looked at her._

_She had said very little when he came home._

_He expected an ear full but instead she chose the silent treatment._

"_She's a friend…nothing more," he said._

"_You wouldn't know by the talk in the office," she said. "Catherine seemed certain you'd been seeing Heather…even slept with her…something about Heather was the only person who ever beat you in mental chess."_

_Their eyes locked._

"_I'll admit I spent time with Heather when you were…with Hank," he said. "Nothing happened. I didn't sleep with her if that's what you need to know."_

"_I need to know?" she yelled. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to stand there and hear them talk about you and…her?"_

"_Since when did you care what others think?"_

"_I couldn't say anything. I couldn't correct them! I couldn't tell them you were not seeing her…because you were with me…in the same house, in the same bed!" she yelled as she stood and headed to the kitchen._

"_I'm sorry. I can't control what others think or say. It doesn't matter," he said._

"_It doesn't matter?" she yelled. _

_Hank whined as he hunkered down under the coffee table. _

"_You're scaring Hank," he said softly. "He doesn't like yelling."_

"_Me either," she said leaning against the counter as she closed her eyes mentally trying to calm down._

_He stood directly across from her as he leaned against the counter._

_She opened her eyes and stared into his._

"_I've never cared what other people thought. I even ignored Catherine and the other gossipers but when you didn't call…that hurt," she said._

"_I'm sorry. It was inconsiderate of me," he said as his hand reached out and caressed her cheek._

_She wanted to crumble._

_Her anger was slowing and she knew that tears would come next but she wasn't finished with being mad at him._

"_I always knew you two were close…I just didn't know how close until you showed up at the hospital when I was taking photos," she said. "One look and I saw how much you cared about her. You were worried about her. You cared what happened to her."_

"_Sara…"_

_His hand tried to take hers but she snatched hers away._

"_I can understand you wanting to help her…make sure she was okay but you blew me off as if the last two years meant nothing," she said. "You hurt me."_

_He gulped._

_He stood there and watched as tears dropped one by one and knew he was the direct cause of it. His chest tightened and suddenly he didn't like that the counter separated them. He wanted to hold her but knew she was not ready._

"_I was worried about her. She was going to let someone end her life because she had lost the one person she had ever loved…Zoe. She needed something…someone," he said._

"_And that was you," she said bitterly. _

"_I told you there wasn't anyone else!" he said letting his voice rise. Hank whined again. Grissom was quiet for a moment trying to calm down. "Like I said before she didn't trust anyone else. I was able to get her ex-husband to allow her to visit with her granddaughter," he said._

"_I understand," she said. "I really do. I just don't understand why you chose not to call…tell me you were spending the night…with her. I had to hear it from Catherine and the others. I had to hear how you risked your job to spend the night with her…she seems to have more effect on you than me. How long did it take me to even get you…"_

"_Sara please!"_

"_I don't ask much," she whispered. "I've let you come and go without a word. I let you decide how far this relationship went. I let you decide on this," she said motioning to the house. "I let you decide everything." She gulped back a sob. "I did because I love you…I trusted you."_

"_Are you telling me you don't trust me now?" he asked quietly._

"_I trusted you with my heart and you hurt me," she said. "I trusted you to take care of us…because that's all we've got…just us."_

_She stepped back from the counter feeling drained._

"_I didn't think," he said. "I just acted."_

_She grabbed the leash as Hank ran towards her. _

_She was out the door before he could come up with anything else to say._

_She returned an hour later._

_He could tell they had been running. Hank ran to the water bowl and then slumped down into the floor._

_She said nothing as she ducked into the bedroom. He heard the shower turn on and decided to not let the silence continue. He was surprised when he found the door locked. They had stopped locking doors six months into the relationship._

_It stung._

_He quickly retreated to the back deck. _

_He sat there fuming._

_His chest pounded when he heard the front door open and then shut._

_She was gone._

_She left without a single word._

_He glanced down at his watch and knew that it was too early for shift._

_He also knew that she had not even slept._

_Neither had he._

_His head began to pound from the lack of sleep these last few days._

_He slept a few hours and then rushed into work in hopes of talking with her before shift._

_It was not to be._

_She stepped into the lab right as the shift began._

_She walked in with the others and sat down as if nothing had happened just a few hours before at their home._

_Their home….dammit…he thought._

_He handed out the assignments and waited for her reaction when he placed her with him._

_There was none._

_She acted as though it was just another day in the lab._

_He offered conversation throughout the shift and she replied._

_He complimented her._

_He helped her._

_He let her take the lead._

_He did all this knowing that just a few hours ago she had admitted that he had hurt her._

_It burned in his gut._

_He felt himself watching the clock as he waited until the last few minutes of the shift ticked away and then he was searching for her. He caught her heading out the door and he quickly walked up to her._

"_See you at home?" he questioned._

_She nodded._

_He seemed hopeful._

_He was hopeful through every light he ran trying to rush home so that he could hold her and tell her how much he regretted hurting her. He took care of the dog and put the dishes into the dishwasher and felt a lump in his throat when he heard her key in the door._

"_Hungry?" he asked._

_She shook her head._

"_You didn't sleep much," he said. "Let's go to bed."_

_His hope continued as she headed to the bedroom upon his suggestion. He was hopeful right up until he heard the bathroom door lock._

_He sat down and stared at it._

_He didn't know what to do._

_He heard the shower turn on followed by the brushing of her teeth as he sat there on her side of the bed. She emerged in pajamas. _

_He swallowed. _

_He knew that pajamas meant there would be no lovemaking. He had become observant these last two years. He had learned to pick up on subtle clues._

_Pajamas meant cuddling._

_Gown meant sex. _

_He liked to refer to it as lovemaking._

_The red gown meant intensive foreplay followed by mind blowing sex._

_The black gown meant mind blowing sex followed by mind blowing sex._

_He stared at the pajamas._

_He did not recognize these._

"_New pajamas?" he asked._

"_Yes…they are," she said._

_He took his turn in the bathroom and then took his place beside her._

_For some reason the distance between them seemed so very vast._

_She had already rolled to her side and was fast trying to sleep._

_She had taken something forcing her body and mind to shut down._

_She refused to let him see how much she still hurt from his actions._

_He laid there on his back and stared up at the ceiling._

_He didn't like this._

_He was used to spooning his body up next to hers._

_He was quickly beginning to resent these new pajamas._

_He didn't like this one bit._

_He glanced over at her thin frame._

_She might as well have been in another room._

_He might as well be lying there alone._

_It hit him like a ton of bricks._

_She had done the very thing just the other day when he did not bother to come home._

_She probably had lain there alone trying to sleep but wondering where he was._

_At least he knew where she was._

_She was right there beside him._

_She could have decided to not come home. _

_She could have let him wonder where she was or what she was doing._

_It would have pissed him off and he would have been hurt._

_Shit! There was that word again._

_He had hurt her._

_He rolled to his side._

"_Sara, I'm glad you came home," he whispered. "I won't do it again. I promise."_

_She said nothing._

"_I don't like those pajamas," he said. "I promise I'll do whatever it takes to get rid of them. I prefer anything but those…even your old pajamas. Cuddling is better than this…no touching."_

"_Night," she whispered._

"_Night," he said. _

_He gently reached over and stroked her hair._

_She gulped back a sob._

"_So sorry honey. Can I hold you…just for a moment?" he whispered._

"_Not ready," she whispered._

"_I'm here…when you're ready," he said._

_He gently stroked her hair as she let the sleeping pill take over. _

_He soon slept himself._

_The routine remained the same._

_Nothing seemed out of sorts at the office or at home._

_They talked._

_They cared for Hank and shared in the household chores._

_A week passed._

_Each night she donned the pajamas and kept to her side of the bed._

_He hated the arrangement._

_He wanted nothing more than to grab her into his arms and make passionate love to her. He would have been content just to touch her._

_Touching was not permitted._

_He watched her leave the office after shift as he hurried to do the same._

_Brass caught him at his vehicle._

"_Have a drink with me," he said._

"_I should get home," said Grissom._

"_Can't have a drink with a friend?" he asked. "I need to talk with you about Ellie."_

_Grissom sighed. "Make it the townhouse?"_

"_Sure," said Brass._

"_Wait," said Grissom. _

_He flipped open his phone and called her._

"_Hey, mind if Jim and I have a drink…" he began._

"_You don't need my permission," she said. "I'm not trying to keep you from your friends."_

_He sucked in air._

"_You're not. I want to be home…with you…but Jim needs to talk," he said. "Mind if he comes by the house?"_

"_I'm sorry," she said sounding tired. "I don't mind…thanks for…thinking of me."_

_It rattled his cage._

_God, he never wanted to not think about her._

_They stepped into the town house and found her curled on the couch with her blanket. _

_Hank greeted them at the door._

_Jim petted the dog as he glanced at Sara with her old blanket._

"_Gil can't you afford to buy her a new blanket?" teased Brass._

"_Don't talk about the blanket," said Grissom as he leaned down and kissed Sara not bothering to care that Brass watched the display of affection. It was the first real contact they'd had in over a week and he knew he had taken advantage of the situation. He knew she would not refuse the kiss in front of Brass._

_He was surprised when she clung to him for a moment._

_He knew the past week had been hard on both of them._

"_You okay?" he asked._

"_Just tired," she said as she leaned back with her book in hand._

_The men disappeared into his office with a bottle of scotch._

_She glanced back and noticed Grissom had left the door slightly ajar._

"_How is Ellie?" asked Grissom._

_Brass leaned forward and shut the door._

"_Haven't heard from her," he said. "I was wondering how Sara was?"_

_Grissom stared at him._

"_I saw her sitting at the diner by herself the other day and so I joined her. She looked upset but she wouldn't tell me anything," said Brass. "Look, I've learned to watch for things…she seems sad. I wondered if you had done something."_

_Grissom handed him a glass._

_He drank it._

"_I didn't call her to let her know that I was staying with Heather," he said._

_Brass stared at him._

"_And she's still here? You're one lucky bastard. My ex would never tolerate me spending the night with another woman."_

"_I didn't…" he didn't finish as he gulped down the glass of liquor._

_He had._

_Oh, it had been innocent but he had spent the night with another woman._

_The statement was factual._

_He also hurt Sara by not calling her and explaining his actions so she could be prepared when she heard the rumors._

_Hell, she had a right to be pissed._

_Brass was right._

_He was lucky she was still there._

_An hour passed and they emerged._

_Sara stood there in the kitchen with her back to them as she finished her glass of orange juice._

"_See you Sara," called Jim as he headed toward the door._

_Grissom glanced at Sara._

_His eyes shot back as he stared at her slender form standing there in a robe._

_He swallowed as he saw the slight hint of black._

_He quickly ushered Brass out the door._

_His friend looked perplexed as he was practically pushed out the door._

_Grissom quickly made his way to the kitchen._

_He said nothing as he stood there in front of her._

"_You don't have your pajamas on," he said eagerly._

"_Hank got them dirty," she replied._

_His eagerness faded._

_He leaned back against the counter._

"_I could have put on my old pajamas," she said over her shoulder as she headed toward the bedroom._

_She was right._

_He cursed shoving Hank out of his way as he hurried to get into bed._

_He was relieved when she curled up next to him._

_He kissed her gently on the lips._

"_Missed you," he whispered._

"_Don't hurt me again," she whispered._

_His lips devoured hers as he made a point of making up for the hurt he had caused._

"_I won't" he said. "I'll never hide anything like that from you again."_

Note from author:

Ouch! I think he didn't keep his promise…Thanks to everyone who is being faithful and leaving a review. It means a lot. I know fanfiction is not sending out the alerts but there is not much I can do to get them to do. Try setting up an alert again for this story and see if it helps.

Take care,

Penny


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter Twenty Nine:**

The silence hung in the air as both women looked at Grissom.

It was Heather who finally spoke.

"Congratulations on your nuptials," she said to Sara.

"Thank you…I wasn't aware that many people knew about it," said Sara as she turned to Grissom.

The silence resumed.

"Could I get you anything?" asked Sara. "Perhaps some tea?"

"No thank you," said Heather as she reached for the door. "I'm glad you're home. Gil has missed you."

Sara said nothing as she watched Heather leave.

She kept her back to Grissom.

"It was nice of her to drop in," said Sara coolly.

She turned and faced him.

"She's a good friend," she said now folding her arms.

His mind prepared a speech.

He did not get to give it as she headed to the kitchen for a glass of juice.

"Sara, I've been seeing Heather."

The glass dropped to the floor shattering between their feet.

He was there instantly with broom and dustpan.

She stood there unable to move.

The broom and the dustpan disappeared.

There was no trace of the broken glass.

"What did you expect me to do…when you left?" he asked quietly.

She stared at him in disbelief.

"I needed someone to talk to," he began as he grabbed her hand.

Her face was pale and he was prepared to catch her if she was the next to drop.

"You uhm…" she couldn't say it.

She could do nothing but stare at him.

She pulled her hand away and wrapped it around her.

"Sara, talk to me," he said.

"I uhm…"

She stopped once more.

"Come sit down…we'll talk," he said as he motioned for the couch.

She looked down at her feet unable to move.

His hands guided her to the couch.

She watched them move but she felt nothing.

"It was one friend helping another," he said.

"Helping?" she managed to get out.

"We talked."

"Talked?"

He looked at her odd.

"Yes, talked. I couldn't sleep one day so I just showed up there after shift."

She stared at him.

"We talked and then I slept."

"Slept?" she asked as she heard her voice weaken.

"I slept…there," he said.

"Just once?" she asked.

"A couple of times," he admitted.

She felt the air leave her lungs.

"Sara?"

"Do you uhm love her?" she asked.

"Sara, I love you! I married you. I just needed someone to talk with…I didn't want to burden you with what was going on here," he said.

She looked confused and frightened.

"Nothing happened….just friends talking."

"You uhm…" She couldn't seem to formulate a sentence.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

Her mind tried to wrap about what he was trying to tell her.

_Spent the night with Heather again…_

_This time he needed her…_

_Told her things he couldn't or wouldn't share with me…_

_Spent the night more than once…_

_Heather came here this evening…_

_Has she been here before?_

_Did Heather stay here?_

_What else did Heather do for him?_

_Why didn't he just tell me about visiting with her?_

_What could he not tell me?_

"Sara?"

"I'm tired," she said suddenly.

She was exhausted.

She forced her mind to shut down as a means of self preservation.

She needed to think about the baby.

"We can talk later," he said.

She sat there as he waited for her to go to the bedroom.

"Try to sleep," he said. "We can unpack later."

She wasn't sure she wanted to unpack.

She wasn't sure about anything at the moment.

He expected her to go to the bedroom but she laid down on the couch instead. He grabbed the small throw and placed it around her but she was sitting back up. Her eyes scanned the room for her blanket. He grabbed it and wrapped it around her. Her eyes shut immediately.

"You might be more comfortable in the bedroom," he said.

"This…is…fine," she said.

His hand stroked her hair as his hand slowly made its way to brush slightly across her forehead.

"I've missed you so much," he said.

She wasn't listening.

She was too busy telling herself she had not made a mistake by coming back.

_I need to talk with him…_

_I'm not sure I want to hear what he's going to say…_

_I need to understand all of this…_

_Why do I feel like he's cheated?_

_Why do I feel like I've been kicked in the gut?_

_Why do I feel like I want to run?_

_Heather is just a friend…_

_He told her things but not me…_

_I'm his wife and he told her things…_

_What things?_

"What did you tell her that you couldn't tell me?" she asked.

She was proud of herself.

She had managed to ask a complete sentence while ignoring the little voice screaming inside her head.

He didn't know how to answer.

She waited.

"I missed you," he said again.

"You've….said that."

Her eyes shot open. "What did you tell her that you couldn't tell me….your wife?"

There it was.

He heard the hint of jealousy in her voice.

"Sara you shouldn't feel threatened by Heather. We're friends," he said reaching out to touch her but it surprised him when she slapped his hand away.

"You think this is just about jealousy? You said you wouldn't do this again. Why didn't you tell me you'd been spending time with her instead of letting me walk into this? If it was so innocent then why not just tell me? Her name never came up in any of our conversations. I told you everything…things I didn't even want to tell you. What could you possibly tell her that you couldn't tell me?"

_I couldn't tell you about the trouble Warrick has been in…_

_His risk of losing everything he'd worked for…_

_The fear that I wouldn't be able to help him…_

_I couldn't tell you about the disciplinary action I'm about to face…_

_I couldn't tell you that I'm utterly lost without you…_

_How I felt like I was self destructing because I did not have you…_

_You've been the stronger one…_

_Not me…_

_Heather kept me grounded…_

"How would you feel if I spent the night with Hank? Not once but several times and never mentioned it to you? What if I told him things I didn't tell you? How would you feel?" she asked.

"I didn't sleep with Heather. I don't think the comparison is the same."

He was surprised he had even said that.

It was as if something had taken control of him.

He cringed the moment he heard the words come out of his mouth.

"Fine. I slept with Hank. Thank you for pointing that out. We both know why I slept with him."

He flinched.

She slept with him because he wouldn't let himself have her.

His actions punished both of them.

"Sara…"

"I don't understand," she said. "You say you're just friends but you keep the relationship secretive…like our relationship used to be."

"I didn't keep it a secret. I just didn't mention it."

Her stomach knotted.

"This is not the way I wanted our first day back to turn out," he said sounding frustrated.

"You said no more secrets," she said quietly.

"It wasn't a secret!" he said.

Her hormones played havoc with her emotions but she refused to give in to them.

She closed her eyes shutting him out again.

He sat there waiting for her to talk but she remained silent.

"Just rest," he finally said.

She could hear footsteps as he disappeared into other parts of the house.

She took in a gulp of air.

_Stop it Sara…_

_Pull it together…_

_It was just talk…_

_Just talk…_

_And sleeping over…_

_And telling her things…_

_Things you still don't know anything about…_

She was startled when she heard the soft whisper of his voice.

She opened her eyes and listened.

"She doesn't need to know everything," he said.

"You've been good for me. I want you to know this doesn't change anything," he said.

"I'll see you soon," he said.

The voice stopped.

She heard a click.

_One sided conversation, Sara…_

_If he didn't want you, he never would have married you…_

_Maybe he changed his mind when he came back…_

_Spent time with her…_

_Now feels trapped because of the baby…_

She struggled to get up.

Her movement brought him back to the living room.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

"I'm…good," she said.

There was a coolness in her voice and he felt it.

"Want to talk some more?" he asked.

"I want to know about the lab," she said.

"The lab is fine," he said.

"I'd like to see the others," she said.

"You think that's wise?" he asked. "You just got back…rest a week or so…you're pregnant."

She leaned back in the couch and he knew she had not liked his reply.

"Sara, I'm sorry I should have told you I'd been talking with Heather. From this point on, I'll tell you whenever I call or visit…"

"You don't get it, do you?" she asked.

He didn't.

He didn't have a clue.

"Never mind," she said getting up.

"Sara, I don't want to fight…not now," he said pulling her into his arms.

He held her forcing her to wrap her arms around him. She relaxed against him and he kissed her lightly on the lips.

"I heard your voice earlier," she said. "The lab?"

He cringed. "Heather. She was apologizing for coming over unannounced."

"I'm glad she was there for you…she's good for you."

He realized she had overheard his side of the conversation.

He stiffened. "I value her friendship. I hope that it can continue."

"I never said you had to give up your friends…for me," she said pulling away from him. "I just expected that we would tell each other ….everything…isn't that what marriage is about?"

He bristled. "Yes, it is. It also means not running away when things get bad."

She bristled.

He was waiting for a comeback but there was none.

Of course she wouldn't have one.

He knew she still felt guilty for leaving and he had just used that against her.

It was insensitive and spiteful and hurtful.

He had no idea why he had done that other than he wanted her to understand how much her absence had affected him.

The pain was etched on her face.

_If you had never left he never would have gone to her…_

_What did you expect?_

"I'm sorry Sara. I shouldn't have said that," he said quickly.

She said nothing.

The damage had been done.

"Let's unpack," he said.

He needed for her to unpack.

He needed to feel like she was home.

She didn't want to unpack.

She didn't feel like she was home.

She wanted to find a nice spot to have a good cry.

"I left everything the way you left it. The closet is ready," he said.

She wasn't.

She went through the motions.

He offered to help but she refused.

She was the one that left.

She needed to put things back the way they were.

_The way things were…_

She swallowed the lump.

She didn't want to go back to the way things were.

She was alone and scared and hated the way things were before she left.

She finished with the suitcase and then put it inside the closet but he quickly took it.

"I'll put it in the garage… out of the way. We don't need it anymore," he said.

She looked about the room as he disappeared with the suitcase.

Nothing had changed.

She had or at least she thought she had.

She quickly grabbed her phone and dialed the number.

"Brass."

"Jim?"

"Hey kiddo," he said cheerfully.

"Jim?" she asked trying to calm herself.

"Sara, what's wrong?"

_You can't involve Jim…_

_Gil was his friend before you…_

"Nothing," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm…uhm."

"Want to talk?" he asked.

"Jim?"

He could hear the desperation in her voice.

"Sara, it's going to be alright," he said. "It's a lot…coming back here. Just give it some time."

"I uhm…I need… to know… about …everyone…please tell me Jim. I uhm need…to know. How are you?" she asked.

"I've missed you but then you already knew that. We've had some rough cases but hey what's new. How are you?" he asked.

"Nick?"

"He misses you. His old girlfriend got married. He took it hard."

"Greg?"

"He missed you. He still doubts he's doing a good job. I think we've all been too busy to tell him."

"Warrick? How's Warrick? He was… wasn't sleeping that well…when I…left."

"He misses you. He never got over the breakup of his marriage…blames himself…the job…he's been messing up on the job but he's doing better."

"Catherine and Lindsey?"

"Catherine complained about how much Grissom missed you. She misses you too. They're good. Lindsey's still trying to grow up too quickly."

The line was quiet.

"Sara, how are you?" he asked.

"Gil…how's Gil?"

"Sara, you're with him. He's happy. He's missed you a lot. He pulled away from the rest of us for awhile but then he got better. He has you home now... he's happy about the baby."

The silence returned.

"Sara…"

"Why couldn't… he tell me this?" she asked.

"I'm lost in the conversation. What are you talking about?"

"Gil…with Heather..." she stopped. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I… it's nothing. I just… wanted to know about everyone. I'm sorry I've been away. I'm sorry I had to go away. I'm sorry Jim. I don't know what's the matter with me," she said as she broke down in tears.

"Sara, where are you?" he asked.

"I'm here," she said. "I'm at the townhouse. It doesn't feel like home."

"Want me to come?" he asked. "I can be there in fifteen minutes."

"No…no…I'm sorry," she said. "My fault. I never should have left. I caused this…this…they're okay? I mean they're okay…nothing's wrong?" she asked.

"Sara, we're fine. Take care of yourself…and that baby," he said.

"Sorry I called," she said.

"Sara?"

"Yes?"

"Where's Gil?"

"He took the suitcase to the garage…said I didn't need it anymore."

"Do you?"

"Jim?"

"Yes?"

"I'm not sure," she whispered.

"Let me come over," he said. "We'll talk."

"No…no," she said. "I'll talk with…him."

"I'm worried about you kiddo," he said.

"Me too."

She clicked the phone off as she sat there on the bed.

"I forgot to…Sara?" asked Grissom.

He could tell that she had been crying.

He sat down beside her.

"I know this must be hard for you," he said. "We didn't talk before…we're going to talk this time. Tell me what's bothering you."

_I feel disconnected…_

_I feel like I might fly away…_

_Nothing to ground me…_

_No work…_

_No William…_

He held her hand tight.

"You're trembling," he said. "Things are going to be better, Sara. I promise."

_He promised…_

_No more secrets…_

Note from author:

Bad way to start a fresh start...leave a review.

Take care,

Penny


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter Thirty:**

She spent the rest of the day, roaming about the townhouse.

She seemed quiet and withdrawn.

He went through the mail keeping a watchful eye on her.

William warned him about this.

He could not expect Sara to just return without backsliding.

It was here where she had felt the need to run.

He certainly wasn't helping matters when he'd thrown up her departure as means of protecting himself from his own mistakes.

He had been secretive.

He had withheld things from her, his wife, while sharing them with someone else.

He had shared them with the very person who could make Sara feel insecure, Heather.

He cursed now at his actions.

While they had been harmless, it was causing Sara great distress.

"Let's go out to dinner," he offered.

"Could we stay…here?" she asked.

"Yes…of course," he said.

"I'll fix..."

"I'll do it," she said as she headed to the kitchen but he blocked her path.

"Let's do it together," he said.

They finished with dinner and made small talk as the dishes were put away.

"I need to go into the lab tomorrow," he said.

"Go," she said trying to sound strong and confident. "I'll be fine."

"I just need to check on a case…"

"I don't need you to babysit me," she said.

"I wasn't implying…I just want to spend time with you," he said.

"How's the bee colony?" she asked trying to divert the conversation to something neutral and safe.

"The research is going very well. No colony collapse…I've been writing on my findings," he said.

"Good."

"You can come with me to the university…if you'd like," he offered.

_That would be good…_

_Sharing something with me…_

_Just me…_

"When are you going to bring Hank home?" she asked.

He had forgotten about the dog.

"I'll get him tomorrow," he said.

She grabbed her old blanket and curled up in the chair.

Grissom fumbled with the edges of the blanket.

"It's pretty worn and tattered," he said.

"I don't mind," she said smoothing it out.

"I remember when I threw it out," he said. "I was trying to do something good but ended up hurting you. I seem to do that a lot."

_He looked up from the crime scene and grinned when he saw that she had found the new blanket he had placed in her vehicle. He had run across the old blanket sitting in the back seat of her car beside her kit. He was surprised she had kept it for so long. She definitely was in need of a new one. _

_She had seemed so sad these last few weeks since she had stopped dating Hank. He had been hard pressed to find out the reason. He never seemed to be in the right place at the right time to listen in on the gossip. It wasn't until one evening when he and Brass had met Catherine for drinks that Catherine spilled the details of the break up. He sat there quietly and fumed at how Sara had been treated. It explained why she had not been herself._

_He had made a point to be attentive to her but he always seemed to do or say the wrong things. It wasn't until he saw the blanket that he decided to buy her a new one. He had decided on a nice weather resistant camping blanket. He knew it would keep her warm and dry on nights like this._

_The sky was dark and the rain threatened to come down in buckets._

_She stared at the new blanket as she glanced around. She tossed it back onto the seat as she frantically searched for something. Suddenly she was rushing around to the other side of her vehicle as she looked under the seats and into the back._

"_Is something wrong?" asked Nick._

"_My blanket…it's gone," she said. "It was there in the back seat….now it's gone."_

"_It couldn't have disappeared on its own," said Nick._

"_No, it couldn't," she said. "Nick, did you do this? Did you put this new blanket here and take the old one?"_

"_No. I know better than to touch your blanket," said Nick._

"_Greg!" yelled Sara._

_His head shot up. _

_Grissom watched as she made her rounds to Greg and then Warrick._

_She seemed to be in panic mode._

"_Sara is there a problem?" asked Grissom._

"_No."_

"_Mind if we get back to work?" he asked._

_She looked around as her shoulders slumped. She grabbed her kit and took off inside the house._

_Grissom walked over to Nick._

"_What's wrong with Sara?" he asked._

"_Someone took her blanket," Nick whispered. _

"_The old blanket in her car?" asked Grissom._

"_Yeah…no one in their right mind would mess with that blanket," chimed in Greg._

"_What's so special about that blanket?" asked Grissom._

"_You watch Snoopy?" asked Greg._

_Grissom frowned._

"_Sara is more attached to that blanket than Linus is attached to his. No one messes with that blanket."_

_Grissom swallowed hard. He didn't know any of this. Of course he had not been to her apartment and watched movies or spent time with her. The guys knew so much more than he did. He felt jealous at the moment._

_He thought it was just an old blanket she used out in the field. _

_He had no idea it had sentimental value._

_Oh shit, he thought._

_He'd thrown the ragged old thing away._

"_Nick, can you cover this?" asked Grissom quickly._

"_Sure," said Nick._

_Grissom drove back to the lab. He glanced at his watch while he prayed the blanket would be safe where he had tossed it._

_He cursed inwardly._

_He had wanted to do something to cheer her up and now he had taken something sentimental away from her. He climbed out of the Denali and hurried over to the dumpster. He leaned in but could not see the blanket. Grissom stepped into the lab but quickly returned with a step ladder. Within minutes he was inside the dumpster. It certainly was not a pleasant odor as he rummaged through the trash. He fumed when he did not locate the blanket._

_He knew he had tossed it inside._

_He stepped out just as the others returned._

"_Dumpster diving?" asked Greg._

_Sara stepped out of the vehicle and proceeded to carry the evidence inside._

"_Sara?" called Grissom._

_She turned and looked at him._

"_I need to talk with you," said Grissom._

_Greg grabbed the evidence from her hands and headed inside._

_Grissom waited until the others had gone inside before he began._

"_I took your old blanket," he said._

_She stared at him in disbelief._

"_I just thought it was an old blanket. I bought you a new one," he said._

"_That was very nice of you…but could I have my old one back?" she asked quickly._

"_I threw it away," said Grissom as he nodded toward the dumpster._

_Sara was immediately on the step ladder._

"_I've looked. It's not in there," he said._

"_You threw it in there…then it has to be there," she said excitedly._

"_It's not," he said. "I've looked."_

_She glanced at the dumpster as if hoping she would miraculously find it._

_He could see that she was hurt by the loss. _

_She quickly covered her emotions._

"_It was a sweet gesture," she said. "Thank you…for the new blanket."_

"_I'm sorry Sara," he said._

"_No…it's okay. It was old…torn…some dirty spots…it wouldn't last much longer," she said._

_She turned and quickly headed inside while he stood there and cursed._

_He glanced up and saw an old man pushing a cart._

_Grissom hurried after the homeless man._

"_Hey!" yelled Grissom._

_The old man sped up._

"_Wait! I'm not going to hurt you," said Grissom. "I need to ask you something."_

_The old man stopped and kept the shopping cart between him and Grissom._

"_You wouldn't have found an old blanket in a dumpster tonight?" asked Grissom._

_The old man slid a garbage bag over the blanket._

"_I'll tell you what. I have a better one in my car. I'll give it to you for that old thing," said Grissom._

"_I like this one," complained the old man._

"_I'll throw in an emergency kit," said Grissom. _

_The old man studied for a moment before shaking his head_

"_I'll also throw in a free meal at the diner across the street," said Grissom._

"_That's a lot for an old blanket," said the homeless man._

"_It belongs to my girlfriend…she loves that blanket. I never should have taken it from her."_

_The old man smiled. "Really sweet on her huh?"_

"_Yeah, I am," admitted Grissom._

_By the time he returned, Sara had left for the day. He didn't mind. The blanket smelled horribly. He took it home and washed it several times. He was relieved when he pulled it out of the dryer and it remained in one piece._

_Grissom sat down on the couch and examined the blanket._

_It was quite old._

_It was not exactly soft._

_It did not appear to be very special._

_He was just relieved he had managed to get it back._

_He leaned back on the couch as he covered himself with it. He glanced outside as the sky opened up and it began to rain. The thunder and lightning lit up the sky as he drifted off to sleep under Sara's blanket._

_She sat there curled up on the couch. She told herself it was bound to happen sooner or later. She sniffled once or twice. She had managed to keep the blanket with her all these years. She had almost lost it when she was in foster care. A bully had stolen it but the foster mother had managed to find it for her. She never dreamed she would lose it because of Grissom. He was the last person she ever thought that would take away the only link she had of her past._

_He was waiting for her when she trudged in the next day. He was sitting there patiently in the break room with a cup of coffee. One glance and he knew she had not slept well._

"_Storm was great," he said._

_She hated storms._

_They reminded her of the day her father died._

_It was times like these that she kept herself buried under the blanket._

_She did not have the blanket now._

_She poured herself a cup of coffee._

"_Sara, about the blanket," he began._

"_Not necessary," she said. "It was old and…" she turned and saw him holding it up._

"_You found it!"_

"_A homeless fellow took it. I negotiated a trade," he said._

_Her face beamed with a smile._

"_Thank you," she said as she grabbed it and held it against her. She inhaled deeply._

"_I uhm had to wash it. It had gotten dirty," he said. _

_Her smile spread from side to side._

_She didn't mind._

_It now smelled like Grissom._

"You never told me why the blanket is special," he said.

She glanced down at it as she clutched it to her.

"The officer gave it to me that day," she said. "He had blue eyes…warm hands."

"The officer?" he asked surprised. He thought it might have belonged to her father or something she had kept on her bed when she was a child.

"There was a storm that day…lots of thunder and lightning. I'd always been afraid of storms…my uhm father used to come and sit with me. He would read to me until it passed. He was dead and I was there in the police car. I clung to the officer. I couldn't seem to let go. The officer wrapped this blanket around me and told me to keep it with me. He said it would keep me safe and warm. I never got any of my personal belongings. I couldn't bring myself to go back inside the house. I entered foster care with nothing but the clothes I wore and this blanket. I've kept it all these years."

He sat there trying to imagine how he would have survived something so horrendous. He had lost his father at an early age also but his father had died in his sleep not at the hands of a family member. He had also been raised by a loving mother. Sara had been put in foster care with nothing to cling to but a blanket a stranger gave her.

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her feverishly.

He smiled when she wrapped the blanket around them both.

"It'll keep us safe and warm," she whispered.

He believed it.

If the blanket failed, surely Sara's love would sustain them both.

Note from author:

I know, you're waiting for the big confrontation…next chapter. Remember this story only has thirty four chapters…leave a review!

Take care,

Penny


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter Thirty One:**

"Let's have dinner. You've not eaten much today," he said.

She had thought little of food since her stomach had remained in knots all day. She knew it was just nerves but she worried about the stress on her unborn child.

"We don't have to go out," he said. "There's this nice restaurant that opened and they deliver."

An hour passed and soon the food arrived.

She sat there while he paid for the food.

She smiled when she took a bite.

"It's good," she said.

"It just opened a few months ago," he said. "We'll go to it one evening."

She continued to eat.

"Heather and I…" he stopped.

He glanced at her quickly.

"You went to this restaurant together?" she asked.

"Yes we did. I want you to understand that every time Heather and I met it was to talk…nothing more. I missed talking with you. I missed you…so much."

Sara nodded as she forced herself to continue eating.

"She thinks a lot of you," he added quickly. "You were very kind to her in the hospital. You'd like her if you got to know her."

Sara said nothing as she picked up her plate and placed it in the sink.

"Sara, talk with me about this…what you're feeling," he said sounding frustrated.

"You had dinner with a friend. You talked. You talked with her because I wasn't here. I was in Tomales Bay. We talked every day on the phone. For some reason you couldn't talk with me. You talked with her. Did I summarize that correctly?"

They each displayed hurt feelings.

"I'm sorry," she said. She cursed inwardly when she let the jealousy slip out again. Perhaps she would not feel so jealous if she could understand what it was that he could tell Heather but could not share with her.

They used to talk.

They talked about a lot of things.

There were times when they sat in bed and talked for hours.

It changed after Natalie.

Everything changed.

She didn't like parking garages anymore or the hot sun or the rain or not having a bottled water nearby or staring at a dead body that she imagined could have been her…had almost been her. She knew how close she had been to death. She knew because she had felt it.

She woke in the hospital and he was there but then so were the others.

Their secret had ended.

Their private life no longer existed.

They were put on public display for the lab.

The team pretended nothing had changed.

They ignored the fact that Grissom was there by her side, talking to doctors as if he was her spouse and making arrangements for her to come home to the townhouse.

She watched everything continue around her.

She did the same.

She did not speak of Natalie or being scared or nearly dying or wanting to hide from everyone so she could try to understand this urgent need to run.

"I uhm sorry I shouldn't have…" she didn't know how to explain her insecurity. "I'm sorry."

"Don't," he said. "Sara, if you're angry then be angry but tell me why you're angry so I can help you. Don't hide behind those words anymore."

"I'm not!" she said. "I didn't mean…I'm sorry."

She gulped back wave after wave of helplessness.

"I uhm I need some air," she said.

She headed toward the door but he blocked it.

"I'll come with you," he said.

"No."

He felt uneasy.

"Why not?"

"I need…" she didn't know what she needed.

He grabbed her into his arms.

"Don't leave Sara," he whispered. "Let's talk….really talk."

She could feel his pulse racing. Her hand stroked his beard and briefly she let her eyes meet his.

He was scared.

She knew it.

She saw it and felt it.

"I'm fine. Don't worry…I'm sorry…" they both flinched.

She began to cry. "I'm sorry for hurting you…that I couldn't stay here. If I did, you wouldn't have felt the need to go to someone else. I'm sorry I couldn't do my job…I know it's not been easy at the lab…I'm sorry."

He grabbed her as he held her tight.

"This is my fault. I never should have brought that up earlier," he said. "Sara, we both know you needed to go."

"I told you I would never leave but then I did. I said I would never hurt you but I did. I didn't think about you or…them…I just left. I was drowning and I left."

"You left to get better," he said. "No one blames you for that."

"I'm sorry, Gil…so sorry," she said.

"Stop saying that!"

"I can't make these feelings go away," she said. "I'm here and I don't want to be. I sit here and I remember what it felt like to know that I might not be able to hold you or love you again. I wasn't supposed to survive out there in the desert…that's why Natalie put me there. I would die and you would find me."

_Remember what William said…_

_Post traumatic stress…_

_We both suffer from it…_

"You didn't," he said. "You fought back. You got free. You walked your way out of that hell Sara just like you're doing now. You can say it Sara. God knows I said it over and over to Catherine. I was scared just like you. There's no weakness in admitting you were scared. I had never been more scared in my life. I thought we wouldn't find you in time. I prayed and I prayed until I questioned there was a God because with each lead, it didn't lead me to you. Once we found you I couldn't let go of your hand. I was afraid you would slip away so I held your hand as if I could force you to stay with me. God Sara! It's okay to admit you were scared."

She held him as he cried into her shoulder. His sobs matched hers.

They had never discussed this.

They had pretended it didn't happen.

Sara had come home from the hospital and they had gone on about their lives as if he had never had to face the fear of losing her and she had never had to admit she almost let go because there was no more strength left in her. It had taken the life right out of her and had it not been for his hand in hers she might have let go.

She realized she had never fully recovered from the desert. She went back to work and faced their future with uncertainty not knowing what would happen to Grissom because he had chosen to take a risk one Sunday. She didn't care about her career. She did care about his and she knew that he stood to lose everything he had worked for.

It would be her fault.

"_Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her." _

She remembered those words.

It haunted her.

Her past coupled with the pure hell she endured in the desert sent her spiraling into the darkest depression she had ever encountered.

She realized at this moment it was the fear that she had ruined the life of the only man she had ever loved that pushed her over the edge.

She wasn't running for fear she might self destruct.

She hoped she would self destruct to avoid seeing the utter destruction she had caused Grissom just because she wanted him to love her.

"All my fault," she cried. "I did this."

"It wasn't your fault that your mother killed your father. It wasn't your fault that Natalie took you and left you under that damn Mustang in the desert."

"It's my fault you risked your job…I wouldn't stop…it's my fault," she cried.

He stared at her.

It finally made sense.

"This is what's been bothering you so much. You're afraid for me. Sara, look at me. I don't care what personnel decides. I care about you! I care about us! I care about our child."

"You could lose so much…because of me," she said.

"No Sara! Whatever happens, I took the risk…it was worth it!"

"So sorry Gil. I…."

"No! No more guilt…no more blaming yourself," he said forcibly.

"You risked everything and I can't be what you need."

"You're all I want…I need."

"Not enough…why can't you talk with me?" she whispered. "We used to share so much."

He pulled her down on the couch.

"I didn't tell you things to protect you," he said.

She looked frightened.

"What…what have you not told me?" she asked.

He breathed in deeply. "The cases…"

"I already knew about the child found in the box," she said. "It was all over the news."

"I was looking for a monster but the child's death was an accident. I uhm still want to shut down after those cases," he said.

"I used to come by and…"She looked at Grissom. "I wish I had been there for you."

"Sara, for once you needed to take time for yourself," he said.

"What…uhm else?" she asked.

He felt the urge to tell her about Warrick and how he had almost been charged with murder.

"I was worried about you," he said. "We talked a lot about you. I didn't want to admit you had a problem until you left and then I felt it was my fault. I felt responsible."

"You weren't," she said.

"That's what Heather said."

"She's uhm right," said Sara.

He looked at her as he hesitated for a moment.

"Gil…just tell me," she said.

"Warrick has been in some trouble," said Grissom.

"He wasn't sleeping very well," she said. "He dropped a bottle of sleeping pills in the locker room."

"I didn't pay attention to him. He became dependent on the drugs in order to sleep but soon they didn't help. He's obsessed with this case…" he stopped and pulled her close. He slowly told her about Warrick's involvement with Gedda.

"I uhm had to suspend him for two weeks."

"That doesn't sound like Warrick. He would never do anything to contradict your decision."

"I should have forced him to see a counselor as soon as his divorce was final. If I had paid any attention…"

"You didn't know," she said.

He was quiet.

"How is he doing now?" she asked.

"I know he's still having problems with sleeping. I'm afraid he's still trying to dig up something on Gedda. Heather has a few connections to Gedda. She's been keeping tabs on Warrick."

"You should have told me," she said.

"So you could sit there in Tomales Bay and worry? I wanted you to focus on yourself and come home. I'd gotten used to discussing these kinds of things with you…so I talked with Heather."

"I should have…"

"Don't. You couldn't and I wasn't about to let you get dragged into the middle of this."

"Anything…else?" she asked.

"Other than Catherine and Jim hovering over me? There was the problem with Greg," said Grissom.

"Greg?"

"He was very upset about the way you left. He said nothing but he made his point much louder than the others."

"Did you talk with him? Explain to him it wasn't your fault…of course not," she said.

"I gave him time off…he needed it."

"He really cares a lot about you," she said.

"He loves you."

She smiled slightly.

"You haven't said anything about the disciplinary action," she said softly.

"Personnel is waiting for Ecklie's recommendation…he's been too busy with Warrick's case to be concerned about something that was going on under his nose and he had no knowledge about."

"Don't keep this…stuff…from me," she said. "I need to feel connected to you. I can handle this."

"I know you can…now. I wasn't sure before," he said. "I just wanted to protect you."

She smiled. "Thank you."

She didn't remember when she drifted off to sleep. She snuggled up to Grissom as he held her. He had pulled her over to the couch where he was content to hold her while she slept. She woke with a start and sat up.

"Nice having you home," he said.

She was stiff but she let him pull her back into his arms.

"While you were sleeping, I've been doing some thinking," he said.

She turned and looked at him.

"We're going to need a bigger place unless we remodel the townhouse. I thought we could start fresh and look for a house together," he said. "Start our own memories…good ones."

She glanced around the house.

"But…this is your home," she said. "You've lived here…"

"Sara, I want something that we choose together. My home is wherever you are."

She took a deep breath.

"You sure? I mean I uhm don't want you to give up…"

"Sara, this house means nothing to me…you mean everything to me."

He didn't wait for her to reply but gently stroked her hair.

"You said two years but I was right…it was nine years," he said. "Of course we both agreed it began on a Sunday."

"It was two…not nine," she said with a grin.

"I guess neither of us is going to budge on that fact…of course I think I should win the bet…I've loved you from the moment I saw you…so it was nine…not two," he said.

"That's not what Ecklie wanted to know…it was two…I should win the bet," she said. "It's been two years four months and twenty days."

He was surprised at her accuracy.

"I'm right…and you know it," she said softly.

"I guess neither of us will ever win the bet," he said.

She closed her eyes as he covered them with the blanket.

Note from author:

The story is almost over...continue with the reviews. With all of the problems, I may just post the rest of the story tomorrow.

Take care,

Penny


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter Thirty two:**

He felt better after their talk. They had spent hours going over the last several months. She seemed a bit upset for his secrecy but then she also knew he was trying to protect her and that was something that no one had done since her father's death. He hated leaving her that evening but she insisted he go to work.

Brass had shown up with the dog at Grissom's request. While he did not care to have a slobbering beast in his vehicle, he did enjoy spending time with Sara. He had been worried about her ever since she had called him.

Now, he could see that she had indeed talked with Grissom.

"Feeling better?" he asked.

"Much," she said as she patted the excited dog.

"I guess it's good that I won't be here tonight. I think Hank wants all of the attention," said Grissom.

He hesitated for a moment before he walked out the door. "Call me…for any reason," he said.

"Be safe," she whispered.

Grissom leaned in and kissed her despite Jim's annoyance with the open affection.

The door shut and Brass smiled. "I thought he would never leave," said Brass. "It's just you and me now. You okay?"

"I'm okay," she said.

"Still afraid?" he asked.

"Yes…for Grissom," she said. "Jim, what disciplinary action are they considering?"

He sighed. "I'm out of the loop."

"You're always in the loop. What have you heard?"

"Demotion…suspension without pay…award for keeping the best kept secret the lab never knew about until Grissom admitted it himself. Let's face it Sara, no one knew about the two of you. It's not like you flaunted it or you were promoted for sleeping with the boss…it was actually the contrary."

"You think they would really demote him?"

"They might be doing Grissom a favor. He hates the politics of the job and you know firsthand how he despises the paperwork."

"He's a good supervisor. We've each learned so much from him. The lab needs him," she said sitting down on the couch. Brass attempted to sit beside her but Hank beat him. He frowned as he sat in the chair across from her.

"Look, I know where you're about to go with this so don't," he said. "Grissom was never really happy until the two of you hooked up. Sara, he loves you. He would gladly trade his job for you any day."

"He shouldn't have to pay for this," she said.

"What are your plans?" he asked.

"I'm not sure. I'd like to say I can walk back into the lab and get my job back but I don't think that will happen. I don't think Ecklie would want me back and I'm not sure I can do the job anymore," she admitted.

"You've got other priorities," he said. "Take care of yourself and that baby."

Sara glanced down at her abdomen. "I'm still trying to get used to the whole idea…baby…marriage…back here."

"Listen, I didn't want to bring this up but since you've already mentioned that vixen's name, Grissom has been visiting Lady Heather. Sara, he would never cheat…"

"I know….we talked."

He looked at her for several minutes.

"Then you're okay with that? Cause I can end it. I can…"

"I don't need you to fight my battles…sweet but I fine with it…not fine that Gil had to talk with someone else but he's not going to do that anymore," she said.

"You know you can call me anytime…day or night," he offered.

She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"You remind me of William…my counselor. Always got to the point…gruff but sweet," she said.

"I'm sure I'm better looking," he said grinning.

She laughed.

Brass smiled.

It was good to hear her laugh again.

Grissom wasn't sure how it happened.

He sat down in the break room and was suddenly surrounded by them.

They said nothing but sat down beside him.

His eyes wandered around the table.

"Is there a reason for this?" asked Grissom.

"You're back. Where's Sara?" asked Nick.

Grissom said nothing but diverted his eyes back to the newspaper.

"Sara is fine," he said.

"Do we get to see her?" asked Catherine.

His eyes flitted over the newspaper briefly but quickly shot back to the article he was pretending to read.

Catherine glanced at Nick and Greg. "Gil, is she alright? We heard her mother committed suicide."

"Suicide?" said Greg loudly. "I didn't hear that."

He grumbled when he felt the kick from Catherine's pointed toe shoe.

"Those shoes hurt!" said Greg as he reached down and rubbed his leg.

"Look, Griss. We just want to know if she's okay," said Nick.

Grissom set the newspaper down. "She's fine."

Nick seemed frustrated.

"She's here," said Greg suddenly.

All eyes went to Greg.

Grissom glanced toward the hallway.

"See! She's here in Vegas or Grissom wouldn't have looked," said Greg sounding proud of himself.

Grissom frowned.

Nick glanced back at Grissom. "Is he right? Is Sara back?"

Grissom stood but the others did as well.

He moved to the left but was blocked by Nick.

He said nothing as he stepped to the left but found himself pinned against the table.

"Move away," he said.

He waited.

"Don't make this difficult," said Greg.

Grissom stepped again and maneuvered his way to the coffee pot. He poured himself a cup of coffee. He glanced over the rim of his glasses at the others.

"She's back," he said softly.

The room broke out in chatter.

"Listen to me," he said sternly. "She's back…but she's not back."

The room grew silent.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Catherine.

"She's back…but she's not sure if she's coming back to the lab."

"Okay," said Catherine. She looked at him. "Why do I get the feeling there's more."

"Look, she's not up to visitors yet."

"Is she alright? We just want to see her…let her know how much we care," said Nick.

"I'm sure she would appreciate that but…no going to Sara with…problems," he said.

"Brass already threatened us," said Greg. "I won't tell her anything…not even the fact that Ecklie is ready to impose your disciplinary action for…you know," Greg suddenly shut up.

"She listened to all of us," said Warrick as he came into the break room and grabbed a cup of coffee. "I for one shared way too much…she never complained…never said anything about herself…I should have listened to her…or what she wasn't saying."

Grissom smiled.

Warrick understood.

He understood better than the rest.

"I'm guilty," said Nick. "Sara was so easy to talk with. She never said what was going on with her…even after the abduction."

Nick's eyes fell to the floor.

"I'm guilty also," said Grissom. "Perhaps even more. We lived together and I didn't see she was in trouble until it was too late. That's not going to happen again."

"I'm glad she's back. Now, maybe we can stomach being around you again," teased Catherine.

Grissom frowned.

"Give her some time…when she's ready…she'll call you. She asks about all of you every day," he said.

"Just tell her we love her and we're glad she's back," said Nick.

"She's really not coming back to work?" asked Greg.

"She has a lot to consider," said Grissom taking a sip of coffee. "She didn't like day shift. I'm not sure if Ecklie will let her return. I'm not sure I want her to anyway. It would give me peace of mind to know that she was at home rather than…"

Brass stepped in. "You told them."

"I was cornered," said Grissom.

"Tell them everything?" he asked.

Eyes shot back to Grissom.

"Sara's not coming back to work," said Greg to Brass.

"No unloading on Sara with our problems," added Warrick.

They glanced at Grissom and then Brass.

"There's more?" asked Catherine.

Brass and Grissom exchanged looks.

'There's more," said Greg. "I knew it. There is something wrong with Sara."

They glared at Grissom.

Brass chuckled.

"Sara is pregnant," said Grissom.

They stared at him in disbelief.

The break room erupted into cheers.

"Now you understand why…"

"I'll make sure no one bothers her," said Catherine.

The week flew by as Grissom fell into a routine again.

Sara was slowly adjusting.

It had been hard the first night alone. She had tried to stay awake but soon found herself fast asleep on the couch. Grissom chided her when he found her the next morning. She refused to admit that she feared the nightmares would return. It was only after they were in bed together that she told him of her fears.

"I didn't dream…of being in the desert," she whispered.

"I'm glad," he said pulling her body closer. "You seem tired."

"I am. My body is still adjusting to the pregnancy. I get tired easily these days."

"Don't push yourself," he said as he caressed the small bulge.

She kissed him lightly. "You're just as tired as I am…perhaps more."

"Nice to come home to you," he said.

He was asleep before she could reply.

She stroked his beard and kissed him once more before slipping from the bed to walk Hank.

She stepped out onto the deck and called him.

He was surprised to hear from her.

Her voice sounded strong and she said very little except she needed to see him.

He was there within an hour.

She opened the door and smiled at Warrick.

He stepped inside as he hugged her to him.

"I'm missed you," she said.

"You look good cookie," he said. "I can see that twinkle in your eye again."

"Let's talk outside," she said.

They sat down on the deck while Hank ran around.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

"How are you?" she asked.

"I'm good," he said.

She grabbed his hand.

"Look at me," she said. "I'm not going to break. I know Gil has warned everyone off…I asked for the privacy but I'm ready. I need to know that you're okay."

"I'm okay, Sara. For the first time in months, I can honestly say I'm going to be okay," he said.

"Gil told me about Eli," she said. "If there is anything that I can do…"

"You have yourself to worry about," he said. "It's hard to imagine our little Sara is going to be a momma."

Her shoulder bumped his. "I was scared when I found out. It's not something we planned but it happened and then I wanted it."

"I know what you mean," said Warrick. "I never wanted kids…didn't think I was father material but then I met Grissom and he just sort of took me under his wing and took care of me. He was strict but supportive. I never wanted to do anything wrong in his eyes. When I saw Eli I saw myself…and a reason to get my act together. I have."

"Just remember if you need advice about children…go to Catherine," she said.

He chuckled. "You're going to be a good mother, Sara."

"I need to tell you something. When I came to Vegas I was hard on you because I knew how much Grissom cared for you. You were his favorite. He told me. He was and still is so proud of you. As I got to know you I identified with you. I grew up in an abusive home. My mother verbally and physically abused me. I hoped that one day my father and I would just run away but uhm she killed him. I ended up in foster care. I was on my own at an early age. I became interested in forensic science….I ended up here," said Sara.

Warrick sighed.

"My mother was a drug addict. My father would use anyone or anything to get whatever he wanted. If it wasn't for my grandmother, I'm not sure what would have happened to me. I was thankful she loved me," said Warrick.

"We uhm both think we can't be good parents because of where we came from but that's not true. We'll be better parents because we know what we've overcome. We're strong Warrick. Eli is lucky to have you as a father," she said.

Warrick pulled her close as he kissed her on the forehead. "I've missed you cookie. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend. I should have seen that you were…"

"You were drowning as much as I was," she said.

"We're both going to be fine," he said.

"Thanks for coming," she said. "I feel better now that I've seen you."

"Take care of yourself," he said as he stood to leave.

"Warrick?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell the others hello," she said. "I'll see them soon."

"Good cause Nick and Greg are following me around like two lost puppies and Catherine…Catherine…" he said nothing.

"Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees," said Sara.

Warrick smiled. "If only it could be that easy."

"It's only as hard as you make it," said Grissom.

Sara turned and looked at him.

"I called Warrick. I wanted to see him," she said.

"I'm glad you did," said Grissom as he sat down beside her.

"She looks good Griss. Gave me some good advice," said Warrick.

"See you at work," said Grissom.

Warrick waved as he left.

She glanced at him.

"I feel better now that I've seen him," she said.

He smiled as he leaned over and kissed her.

Grissom shut the office door as he took the call.

He had not heard from William since they had returned.

"Grissom."

"Gil, I haven't heard from you or Sara. How is she doing?" he asked.

"She's adjusting. It was rough the first couple of days but we're talking…really talking."

"Any signs of…"

"Yes but we handled it. She's admitted that being back here…has been hard…having to face the abduction."

"Don't let her avoid talking. Make her talk. Understand?"

"I do. We're doing much better…I told her about Heather."

"Wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that conversation," said William.

"She was hurt…about me withholding things from her but she understood…as long as I don't do it again."

"And you can't. She needs to get back to normalcy…that means you confiding in her like you did before."

"I'm still worried about her. She's tired from the pregnancy," said Grissom. "I'm just glad she's home."

"About that. Gil, I know you are not going to want to hear this but…I need you to send me Sara…just for a day or so," he said.

There was a silence on the line.

"No."

William sighed. "Listen, she…"

"She's back home and she's adjusting…sending her back would just…no," said Grissom angrily.

"Gil, listen to me for a minute. Did Sara ever tell you about that old blanket she carries everywhere she goes?"

"Yes, it was given to her by an officer who worked her father's murder."

"He contacted me," said William.

Grissom leaned forward.

"It seems he still has friends at the police station. When I tried to get information about the death of her father, they alerted him. It seems he has something that Sara needs. Gil, I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't think it would help Sara."

The line was silent.

"Two days maybe three…no more," said William.

Grissom sat there while William discussed the full details of the trip along with the benefits of it. He knew William was right but he did not relish the idea of being without her again even if it were only for a few days.

"I'll make arrangements for her," said Grissom.

"Great. I'll meet her at the airport. Gil, I'll take good care of her," he said.

"I need to talk with you," he said softly as he held her after a bout of lovemaking.

She turned and saw his hesitation.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I want….I need you to do something for me," he said.

"Name it," she said.

"I need you to go back to Tomales Bay," he said.

Her stomach knotted.

"Why?" she asked softly.

"William is going to meet you at the airport," he said. "It's just for a few days."

"I don't want to go," she said.

"I don't want you to go but this is important. William thinks…"

"I'm uhm adjusting. I had one nightmare…we're talking," she said.

"Sara, I'm not asking you to go back because…"

"William can go to hell," she said pushing herself out of the bed.

"Sara wait!"

"Is this what I get for talking with you? Confiding in you?" she cried. "To be sent back to the shrink…"

He quickly got up and held her tight. "William thinks you're doing great. Sara, you won't regret it. I promise," he said. "Trust me?"

He felt her shoulders shake.

"Sara?"

"I don't want to be away from you anymore," she said.

"Just two or three days…no more. I promise," he said.

He hated that mournful look as she disappeared into the airport. He cursed inwardly but knew this was best.

His phone rang.

"Grissom."

"Did you put her on the plane?" asked William.

"Yes."

"Good. Gil? I know this is hard but it's for the best," he said.

"She's afraid I'm sending her away because of the post traumatic stress."

"I'll explain as soon as I see her. Just wait. I'll keep you posted," he said.

Things spiraled downward as he headed into the lab only to be notified that Warrick had been arrested for the murder of Gedda.

He stepped into the crime scene and he felt as if he had been kicked in the gut as he saw Warrick on his knees in handcuffs. The young man could not look him in the eye. He knew he was ashamed for falling from grace.

_Thank God, I sent her away…_

_This would kill her to see Warrick like this…_

_It's killing me…_

_To see him treated like…_

_A murderer_

NOTE FROM author:

Don't forget to leave a review…


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter Thirty Three:**

She wasn't thrilled to see him.

She was quite angry.

He hugged her despite the coolness he felt.

William ushered her into his car and then threw her suitcase into the backseat.

"You look good," he said.

"Why am I here?" she asked. "He needs me there."

"I need you here for a few days. Gil understands. He agreed," said William.

"More counseling? I could have gone to someone there," she said.

"And miss my dashing looks and charm?" he joked as he got on the road.

"Gil and I have been talking," she said. "Look you said it wasn't going to be easy and I'm accepting that. I can't see how this is going to help if I'm back here and my husband and future is in Vegas."

"You're exactly right," he said.

"Then why am I here?" she asked sounding frustrated. "He was upset when I left. I could feel it. God, William. I've hurt him enough."

"Do this for me and you can go back," he said.

"What?" she yelled. "What do I have to do? Gil wouldn't tell me anything?"

"Why don't you sit back and relax. Take a nap. We have a short drive," he said.

"Stop the cloak and dagger crap William. I'm tired, moody, feeling very hormonal and could easily kick your ass for dragging me back here," she said.

"I missed you too," he said. "Sit back and relax."

"I mean it!" she yelled.

"Yelling is not good for you or the baby," he said softly.

She sniffled. "William, please I just want to go home. My home is with Grissom."

He squeezed her hand. "I'll have you back there soon enough."

She groaned as she reached back and grabbed her blanket.

"Tell me about the blanket," he said.

"I've already told you," she said.

"There was a police officer who looked after you until the social worker arrived. He had blue eyes and warm hands. Is that right?" he asked.

"You know the story," she said.

"He contacted me," said William.

Sara's head shot around.

"I called the police department a couple of months ago checking out the murder of your father. He found out. He called me and we talked. He wants to see you. He's been holding something for you."

She looked at him strange.

He smiled a devilish grin.

"Sara, honey, you deserve this."

She sat back with her eyes closed as William whistled a tune. In less than an hour they drove up to a house. He tapped her on the shoulder.

"This is it," said William.

He quickly ran around to the side of the car and met her. He grasped her hand as they started toward the house but he quickly stopped.

"Wait right here," he said. He pulled out the blanket and carried it with them.

An elderly man opened the door.

He had been expecting them.

Sara looked at him.

She remembered the eyes as well as the hands that reached out and held her.

"Hello Sara. I've been waiting several years to finally see you again," said Frank.

They stepped into the house and he motioned for them to sit.

"You would think that an officer would be able to keep better tabs on someone. I lost you in the foster care system. It didn't help that I was injured on the job and spent several years in rehabilitation. The bottom line is there is no excuse for the time that has lapsed."

"You didn't have to keep up with me. That wasn't your job," she said.

"I've been keeping something for you," Frank said.

Frank stood but William stopped him.

"Sara's been keeping something as well. Haven't you Sara?" asked William.

She glanced at Frank and then William.

William held up the blanket.

"Well, I'll be. I gave that to you," said William.

"It did exactly what you said it would. It kept me safe and warm," said Sara.

The old man's eyes misted.

"Sara brought it back to you," said William.

Sara's head darted back to William.

_I did?_

_You want me to give it back?_

_But…_

She watched as the old man's hands stroked the blanket.

"My wife gave me that blanket," he said. "She told me to keep it in my car on rainy days. I gave it away that first day."

He chuckled. "She didn't mind…after I told her what I did with it. I was rewarded," he said with a twinkle in his eye.

His smile faded. "My missus passed away several years ago. It's been pretty hard without her."

"I'm sorry," said Sara.

"It's time I gave you this," said Frank. He walked over to the desk and returned with a book. He handed it to Sara.

She stared in disbelief.

She quickly opened it to the front cover and read the inscription. She read it over and over as her fingers traced the writing. She swiped at her eyes.

"How did you…"

"The other officers told me about the fight. They said it started over a book and something about trash. I took a hunch and found it. I kept it with me intending to get it to you but the social worker said I should wait until you were settled…not moving around so much and after your counselor approved."

"Thank you…for keeping it," she said. "It means a lot."

"There's more!" he said excitedly.

"My missus and I kept an eye on the inn. Everything was sold to pay off the estate. We went to the estate sale and purchased all of your books," he said.

He grabbed Sara's hand and led her to a small room. He opened the door and stepped inside.

"These belong to you," he said pointing to several boxes sitting on the floor.

Sara slumped to the floor as she looked in box after box. She opened each book and poured over each inscription. She smiled and then laughed and then sobbed as William held her.

"Time to truly let go, Sara. Frank here is going to trade you those books for that blanket."

She nodded and nodded and nodded as William held her.

"I should have gotten the book out of the trash," she said.

"You were an obedient child Sara," said William. "You obeyed your mother. It took a lot of strength to do that."

"I've got a part of him back," she said.

"Yes, you do," said William. "Glad you came?"

"Yes!" she said. She stood quickly and hugged the old man. He chuckled over the display of affection.

"I always knew you would be alright. You were so strong and beautiful," he said.

They spent several hours with Frank as he told Sara about his life.

Sara spoke to him about hers.

He was fascinated with her line of work.

"You told me I couldn't live with the dead," she said. "I did anyway…until recently. I've put that behind me now."

"Got a good husband?" asked Frank.

"The best," she said.

William leaned back as the two continued to talk for hours. It was good for both of them. As the day came to an end, they said their goodbyes.

Sara kissed Frank on the cheek as her hand lingered on his cheek.

"I never forgot your eyes…or your hands…so warm," she said. "Thank you Frank. You've given me part of my father back."

"Thanks for taking care of the blanket," he said. "I'm sure it will keep me safe and warm."

She had fallen asleep by the time they reached William's house. He nudged her softly.

"Your bed awaits," he said.

"William, thank you," she said.

"Sorry I didn't want to spoil Frank's thunder," he said. "Let's get you to bed. Be sure and call Gil. I know he's been waiting to hear from you."

She settled into the guest room with the book in hand.

She was surprised when she did not reach him.

She padded off to find William.

"Must be in the field," she said.

"You'll talk to him soon," he said. "How about a snack before bed?"

She chuckled as he produced the cookies and milk.

"We've got just a few things to talk about."

She frowned but sat down as he placed the package of cookies down along with two glasses of milk.

"Now, do you dunk or open them up and eat the middle?" he asked.

"I eat then drink," said Sara.

"Always the difficult one," said William.

"So…what do we talk about now?" she asked.

"I couldn't help but notice the similarities between Frank and Grissom. They both have blue eyes…warm hands."

His eyes watched her intently.

"My father had blue eyes," she said as she looked at him.

"Were you looking for a father figure?" asked William.

"No, I like blue eyes and even if I did, Gil is nothing like my father. I loved my father very much and he was a good father but he was not good at managing money as well as a career. He was often changing jobs," she said.

"Still…"

"I never paid any attention to Gil's age. I did pay attention to his intellect and…his body," said Sara.

"Oh here we go," said William. "I never took you as the type of woman that looked at a man's body for a mate."

She grinned. "I looked at his eyes…they were sad…but kind….his hands were soft and gentle. I was also attracted to his intellect…he's the best in his field…he's a workaholic…like me."

William sat there and pulled open a cookie.

"I did compare you to my father," said Sara.

The cookie stopped in mid air.

"How so?"

"My father's name was William. I decided to give you a chance because of your name."

"And I thought it was because of my charming personality. You've wounded me," he said.

She chuckled. "Stop worrying. I'm great," she said. "I'm happy. I've settled my past, married to Gil, expecting a child and I want to go home."

William smiled.

She jerked awake when she heard the phone ring.

She reached over but realized it was not her phone but William's.

"Gil?" asked William.

"How…is Sara?"

"She's great…Gil, what's wrong?" asked William. "Why are you calling me…rather than her?"

"There's been…Warrick Brown was shot and killed," he said barely above a whisper.

"I'm sorry," said William. "How can I help?"

"Don't send her home. I don't want her to see…I need to…we need to solve this case…she doesn't need the stress," he said.

"She wants to come home," said William.

"No! Keep her there. I need to know she's safe and not in the middle of this," said Grissom. "It could be someone within the department that called the hit on Warrick. I don't want her involved."

"How are you?" asked William. "I understand you and Warrick were very close."

"He uhm was like a son to me. I trained him, I watched him become a great CSI and now I had to watch him die," said Grissom brokenly.

"I'll keep her here," said William. "Stay in touch."

William hung up when he heard the click.

He turned to see Sara standing in the doorway.

"Something happened to Warrick. William, tell me!"

"He was shot. He's dead, honey."

Her hand covered her mouth.

He was there instantly to hold her but she pushed him away.

"I need to get back to Vegas," she said as she turned back into the room throwing things in her suitcase.

"Sara, he doesn't want you to come back," he said.

She continued to pack. "I'm leaving with or without your help."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Warrick is dead. Gil loved him…so did I. He needs me. I'm going!"

"Gil said someone within the department may have done it."

"I can handle this," she said. "I'm going."

Grissom stood to the side as the scene was slowly cleared. The others were just as shell shocked as he was. Brass tapped him on the arm.

"Have you called Sara?" Brass asked. "This is going to be all over the news."

"I called William," said Grissom.

Grissom's eyes scanned the crime scene.

Brass did also.

"Whoever killed Warrick or called the hit is going to return."

"The first to show," said Grissom.

They continued to scan the scene.

Catherine walked up to Grissom. "I'll need your shirt," she whispered. "Evidence."

Grissom looked down.

It was the first time he had noticed the blood.

He was covered in Warrick's blood.

He slipped off the shirt and zipped up the jacket she had retrieved from his vehicle.

"Called Sara?" she asked.

"Yes."

She nodded as she left.

Grissom saw Greg standing off to the side. He quietly walked over and hesitated before placing his hand on the young man's shoulder. Greg glanced at him but was silent for a moment.

"Told Sara?" he asked.

"Yes," said Grissom.

He stood there with the young man for a moment before Greg began assisting Catherine.

Nick said nothing as he paced around the perimeter.

Grissom walked over and stood in his path.

"Sara…should know," Nick said.

"I called," said Grissom.

Nick nodded as he turned and walked away.

_We need her…_

_We lost Warrick…_

_We need her…_

_She would tell us it was going to be alright…_

_They would believe her…_

_She's a survivor…_

Grissom wiped his brow.

"You okay?" asked Brass.

"No…I'm not. This shouldn't have happened," he said. "I'm sick of this! I'm sick of crime scene after crime scene."

"Sounds like you need to take a break," said Brass.

They felt the eyes on them as they returned to the lab. The lab was silent despite the hustle and bustle of the lab technicians as they rushed to clear their workload in anticipation of working on Warrick's case.

Grissom stepped into his office and stopped dead in his tracks.

She stood there leaning against his desk.

He said nothing as he took her in his arms.

"I took the first flight out," she whispered.

There were so many things that passed between them as they stared at one another. She pulled him over to a chair and forced him to sit down. She sat across from him.

"He was accused of murdering Gedda…but we cleared him. We ate at the diner. He and Nick were still there when the rest of us left. I remembered I needed to tell him about the paternity results. He already knew the results…it was just confirmation. I heard a shot and I ran toward the alley. I found him in his car."

Sara squeezed his hand.

"He didn't want to go. He had so much to live for…his son. I thought if I could hold him, I could keep him here…he slipped away."

Sara gently swiped away the tears from his eyes.

"He loved you. There was no one else he would have wanted by his side when he let go than you."

"I've never felt this way….so angry…so helpless…he was going to counseling, doing drug screening, he was working to get his life back in order for his son and that bastard took it away from him."

"Listen Gil. You can't blame…I can't either. We can process the evidence. We can honor Warrick by bringing this man to justice. Warrick deserves that…we all do."

Grissom held her tight.

"You're uhm in the lab," he said. "How do you feel?"

"I'm ready to work."

"I'm not sure I can let you," he said.

She started to protest.

"I'll check with Ecklie. We need all of the help we can get. Sara, the others…"

"I'm ready," she said. "I think we need to be together as…a team."

He smiled as he wiped his face.

"You're not weak. You're the strongest man I know," she whispered.

"I get it from you," he said. "I never realized how much I depended on you…I love you Sara."

"I love you," she whispered as they glanced toward the door.

The others stood there frozen as they looked at Sara.

One by one they came and hugged her.

She held on to Catherine for the longest.

She knew what it felt like to love someone from a distance. She knew Catherine had loved Warrick for some time.

"Where do we start?" asked Sara.

Ecklie appeared in the doorway.

He did not seem surprised to see Sara.

"I'm not about to tell you guys to stay away from the case. He was one of you. It's yours. I don't even have to remind you that if you screw up, Warrick's killer might get away. You know what's at stake here. Good to see you back Sara. I'll have personnel issue you a badge so you can get access."

They watched as the man walked away.

"You're back?" asked Greg.

"I'm here to help," said Sara. "But I need to tell you something."

Sara glanced at Grissom. "I've been back for awhile. I needed to work out some things…"

"We knew that," said Greg.

Grissom and Sara looked at him.

"We're investigators," said Nick.

"We cornered Grissom. He coughed up the information," said Catherine.

Sara smiled.

Note from author:

Leave the review!


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter Thirty Four:**

He was sent home by Ecklie.

He sent the others home.

They needed to rest before diving into the evidence that had been collected.

He lay there now with his arm draped around her.

They had both been quiet through dinner and now they lay there entwined not wanting to let go of the other.

His hand rested on hers.

He knew she did not sleep.

He could not blame her.

He couldn't either.

"Gil, do you have any idea who might have…killed Warrick?" she asked.

He did.

"The evidence will have to prove who did it…yes I have an idea," he said. "I hope I'm wrong."

"Who?" she asked leaning up on her elbow.

He was quiet for a moment.

"Sara, I want you to go back to Tomales Bay. I spoke with William. You can stay with him. It's just until…"

"No!"

"I can't worry about you…"

"Then don't! Do you think it would be any easier for me to be away from you at a time like this?"

"This guy is desperate…to kill…he won't hesitate to do it again to protect himself."

"That's why we have to work together to get the evidence against him. We can…"

"No."

It was quiet but forceful.

"I'm not leaving," she said. "Ecklie has given me clearance to help. I'm going to do it."

"I can't let you," he said.

She stared at him.

"I'm helping," she said.

"I said no!" he yelled getting out of bed. Hank jumped up and ran into the bathroom. They could hear him whine.

"Gil, let's not fight…not now. We need each other…work together…"

"I've booked your flight after…the funeral," he said.

"No!"

"If you love me, you'll do what I say," he said.

"That's not fair! You know I love you but I'm staying. You're my husband, this is our home and that was our friend…our friend Gil! I need to help. I need this as much as you do…maybe more."

"You need this?" He yelled. "You just came back from…" he stopped. He took a deep breath. "Have you forgotten about your diversion? Sara, you're still adjusting to the pregnancy. Please, go to Tomales Bay and stay with William."

She wrapped her arms around her legs.

"You think I'm going to go off the deep end. Let's not upset Sara! She might just run, or self destruct! Afraid I might…"

"Stop!"

His voice was loud and harsh!

Hank peeked his head out from the door and whined.

She flinched.

"I'm uhm sorry," she whispered.

He quickly sat down beside her, pulling her into his arms.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to yell."

Hank growled.

"He's scared for himself but he'll protect you," whispered Grissom.

"When someone he loves is threatened, he forgets his own fears," she whispered. "I won't break. I won't let you down."

"Sara, I'm not afraid of that. You're so much stronger than I am. I'm afraid you'll be the one to crack the case and that will put you and the baby in harm's way. I can't bear the thought of losing you…or him," he said.

"You won't," she said.

Hank stepped out of the bathroom and sat near the bed.

Sara leaned over and smiled at him.

He wagged his tail.

She stretched out his hand and the boxer ran to her.

She patted his head.

"Ever wonder what kind of life he had before…us?" she asked.

"The shelter said he came from…a middle class family…the husband and wife fought…Hank used to hide in the closet with the little girl. He bit the father one day because he tried to get the little girl to come out after a fight. He made the wife get rid of him."

Sara rubbed his ears.

"The little girl?" she asked.

"It was a case day shift worked. The husband was arrested for abuse. The wife and child moved to another state."

Sara stroked the dog's fur.

"No more fighting," she said.

"Sara, we don't fight," he said. "We get loud…mainly because we're both stubborn."

"Hank doesn't like it. It's not good for him…or me," she said as her hand caressed her abdomen.

"You're right," he said as his hand joined hers. "It's not good."

He kissed her fully on the lips and she felt his hands cup her face as he deepened the kiss and soon she found herself beneath him as he made love to her. It was rushed but neither minded since they both needed to feel as one at the moment. Her hands drifted from his back to face and it was then that she felt the wetness on his cheeks. She said nothing but replaced the salty wetness for warm soft kisses. She did not stop as he did the same for her as they each felt the loss of Warrick.

He held her hand tight as she leaned against him. There was a cool breeze that morning as they stood there at the grave site. The funeral had been difficult as they listened to the eulogy given by the minister and then Grissom. She sat up straight as she listened to his words of endearment for Warrick. He told of their first meeting, how he had convinced the young man to ride a rollercoaster with him and how he was proud of the man Warrick had become. His voice faltered only once when he spoke of Warrick's love for his son, Eli. Most had not known about the child but Grissom stared at Tina as he finished. He sat down quietly as Sara's hand slipped into his and he squeezed it.

Now, they stood at the grave site and as the crowd began to disperse they remained there for a few minutes. He glanced over when she slipped her hand from his and left his side. She sought out Tina and quickly stopped her.

"May I?" she asked.

Tina looked at Sara as she held the baby.

"You're Sara?" she asked.

"Yes. May I?" asked Sara.

Tina hesitated for a moment but let Sara take the baby.

Sara smiled when she looked into the bright eyes that were so like Warrick's.

"He's beautiful," said Sara.

"He's a good baby," said Tina quietly. "Doesn't fuss."

Sara saw the others huddled by Grissom.

"Could I take him just for a moment?" asked Sara. "They really loved Warrick and I think it would be good if they saw him."

Tina glanced back.

"Martin wouldn't like…he thinks…I mean I was never sure," she said.

"It's just for a moment," assured Sara.

She glanced back and saw a man standing beside a car.

Tina nodded.

Sara walked over to the others. Grissom smiled as he saw the baby.

"Hey, little fellow," said Nick.

Each of their hands quickly came to the child. It was as if they needed to feel a part of Warrick. Catherine stroked the baby's cheek. She kissed him on the hand as she turned and left. Grissom watched her.

"Nick, why don't you and Greg take Catherine to lunch," said Grissom.

Nick nodded.

"I should take him back," said Sara. "You think he's going to be alright with her?"

"He'll be fine...we'll be looking out for him," said Grissom.

Sara smiled through her tears, "Yes, we will."

Grissom watched as she carried the baby back and placed him in Tina's arms.

"Thank you," she said.

"I have to go," Tina said.

"Stay in touch," said Sara as she slipped Tina a piece of paper. "It's my phone number and address. If you need anything…just let me know."

Grissom said nothing as they arrived at the lab early only to find the others doing the same. They stepped into the hall and headed to the evidence room.

"Let's go through the time line," said Grissom.

Sara listened intently as the last hours of Warrick's life unfolded.

"You uhm left the diner just minutes before Warrick," said Sara to Grissom.

"I forgot to tell him about the paternity results," said Grissom. "I glanced inside the diner and saw that Warrick was gone so I went to his car."

"Wait, how did the killer know when Warrick was going to leave? I mean was he there in the diner also or was he hanging around outside?" asked Sara.

"The waitress," said Nick. "She disappeared into the back right after Warrick left."

"Maybe she had an order to check on," said Greg.

"She went to the right," said Nick. "Where the pay phones are located."

There was a silence in the room.

"I'll get the phone records," said Nick.

Grissom nodded.

They dispersed as they each were handed evidence to process.

Sara grabbed Grissom's shirt.

Grissom glanced at her.

"You okay?" he whispered.

"I'm good," she said as she disappeared.

Greg glanced at Grissom.

"I'll keep an eye on her," said Greg.

"Thanks Greg," said Grissom. "Make her take a break."

Greg nodded as he headed out the door.

Hours passed as Grissom forced himself to ignore her presence in the lab.

He leaned back as he stared at the evidence now displayed out in the lay out room.

She leaned against the table as she finished the last touches.

"Looks good Sara," said Catherine.

"Still waiting for Hodges to run…" she stopped when she heard Nick cursing.

"Just got phone records," said Nick. "It seems she called a cell number just before Warrick left."

"We could go there and talk with her," said Catherine.

"You could if she was there," said Nick as he slammed the records down on the table.

"What's wrong?" asked Sara.

"It seems she took a header off her apartment building this evening," said Nick. "Man, this bastard is just one step ahead of us. He's waiting for us to find something and then he's stacking the bodies."

"Nick, you and Greg work the jumper case," said Grissom.

"I can go," said Sara. "I just finished."

Nick glanced at Grissom. "I'm on it."

"Wait. You think that's wise?" asked Sara.

Nick said nothing.

"No offense Nick but you need to step away for awhile," said Sara. "I can…"

"I'll go," said Catherine as she grabbed her jacket. "I need to get out for awhile. I'll take Greg."

"Wait guys. You've all been working doubles," said Sara. "I can…"

Catherine kept walking.

Sara folded her arms as she waited until Nick cleared the room.

"You can't do this," she said.

"Do what?"

"I was fresh," said Sara. "Catherine and the others need a break."

"Sara, they're all trying to look after you. You've been on your feet for seven hours straight. You need to eat."

She still seemed upset.

"You're here helping. I'm letting you do this. Meet me halfway. Come with me to the diner and eat something," he said. "I think Nick needs a break also."

She nodded as he stepped closer and kissed her lightly on the forehead.

He could feel she was tired.

"I'll get Nick," she said.

She started to leave when his hand caught hers.

"I'm glad you're working on this with us," he said.

She smiled slightly. "Call Jim. I'm sure he needs something to eat also."

They sat there in the diner as they waited for their food.

They were quiet.

Jim sat beside Nick.

He glanced at his watch as he turned towards Nick.

"These doubles are going to make an old man out of me," said Brass.

Nick said nothing.

The waitress refilled the coffee cups.

"More Juice?" asked the waitress to Sara.

"Yeah…make it a double," she said.

Nick and Brass smiled.

"Gotten in my milk quota for the day," she said proudly.

"Miss coffee?" asked Nick.

"Yes…Greg's special stash," she moaned.

She tried to stifle a yawn but failed.

Grissom glanced at her.

The food arrived and they managed small talk while they ate. She seemed to have a good appetite as she emptied her plate and nibbled on Grissom's. Brass chuckled as he shoved his plate towards her and she finished off his fries.

They were back at the lab within an hour. Nick headed back into the layout room with Brass. Grissom had been held up by Hodges on another case. He stepped into the layout room and looked around.

"Seen Sara?" asked Grissom.

"She's in your office," said Brass.

"Griss?" called Nick.

"Yes?"

"She did really good work today," he said.

Grissom smiled as he headed to his office.

He opened the door to find her lying on the couch.

He stepped in quietly and sat down in the chair across from the couch.

She woke.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"I was going to get some sleep," she said. "I'm off the clock."

"Why don't you go home?" he asked.

"I'll sleep just as well here. Besides, I'll be near you," she said.

"You feeling okay?" he asked.

"I'm tired...not going to push myself. When I get tired, I'm taking breaks…you don't need Greg to watch over me," she said.

He pulled the blanket around her.

"Miss your old blanket?" he asked.

"No. I got my books back…this is the blanket you bought to replace the old one," she said. "I kept it for a special occasion."

"Special occasion?" he asked.

"I uhm felt the baby this evening," she said. "I was lying here and…I felt him."

He smiled as he leaned over and kissed her as his hand caressed her abdomen.

"Did I ever thank you for making me take that risk?" he whispered. "God, I love you Sara. I don't know what I'd do without you."

She smiled.

"You once told Greg you were tired of death," he said. "Sara, are you sure..."

"This..." she said placing her hand over his that caressed her abdomen, "Makes staring at death not so…wake me in a few hours," she said.

She knew he wouldn't.

He knew she would sleep for hours.

She was asleep before he left the office.

"Find Sara?" asked Brass.

"She's sleeping in my office," said Grissom.

"She shouldn't be pulling doubles," said Nick.

"She's not…she just doesn't sleep well…alone," said Grissom.

"Who does?" mumbled Brass. "Hey, maybe she can sleep with me when you work doubles."

Grissom frowned and Nick chuckled.

Greg stepped in just at the end of the conversation.

"Did someone say we're going to take turns sleeping with Sara?" asked Greg. "Can I be next?"

"You are so not going to get a good evaluation this time around," said Nick.

Greg did not seem to mind as he stood over the table.

"Catherine sent me back with the evidence. She's going to swing by and check on Lindsey," said Greg.

"If you're tired, go home or take a break," said Grissom as he stared at his bloodied shirt that was tagged as evidence.

"I'm good," said Greg. "So where are we?"

Grissom went through the phone records from the diner.

"Waitress called this cell number," said Nick.

"Do we know who it belongs to?" asked Grissom.

"Nontraceable," said Nick.

"Pull the phone records from the diner, her home residence or any other phone in her possession for the last six months," said Grissom.

"Done," said Nick as he turned and left the room.

Grissom turned to Greg. "Go home for a few hours."

"I'm good," he said again.

"Go home," said Grissom. "I need you alert."

"I'll crash here for awhile," offered Greg. "How about your couch?"

"Sara is there," said Grissom.

"I'm sure we both can fit," said Greg.

Grissom's head jerked up.

"Just checking to see how alert you are," said Greg. "I'll be in the break room."

"Greg?" called Grissom.

"Yeah?"

"Rest. We're going to need you later," said Grissom.

Greg nodded.

Brass waited until Greg was gone before he spoke.

"You look tired yourself," said Brass.

"You and I both know who is behind this," said Grissom is a low voice.

"Careful the walls could have ears," said Brass.

"He's going to stay one step ahead of us," said Grissom. "He has access to everything."

Brass stared at the contents on the table.

"Remember the first case we ever worked on?" asked Brass.

Grissom glanced at Brass. "You bluffed your way through a confession."

"I recall you were angry since there was little or no substantial evidence proving the guy did it."

"You took a big risk," said Grissom.

"Did I? It was a matter of time before the guy screwed up and in the meantime he would know we were watching him," said Brass. "How did I screw up?"

"What if we're wrong?" asked Grissom.

"We're not wrong," said Brass. "For once, the evidence doesn't have to prove it. Our gut instinct tells us who it is. The question is do we confront him?"

"We could use reverse evidence," said Grissom.

Brass looked shocked. "Did you just say…"

"I prefer to call it reverse evidence rather than planted evidence," said Grissom.

"I can't believe you just suggested…"

"Have a better idea?" asked Grissom quietly.

"I like it. I really do…just trying to recover from the almost coronary you just about gave me," said Brass.

"I have a plan," said Grissom.

"Do we include the others?" asked Brass.

"No."

"Let me rephrase that. Do we include everyone except Sara?"

"Nick…Nick only."

They were both quiet for a moment.

"This has to be convincing," said Grissom.

"Sara can be convincing," said Brass.

"I don't want her…she may kick my ass but I don't want her anywhere near when this goes down," whispered Grissom.

"Me either," said Brass.

Nick stepped back into the room.

"I got those records," he said.

"Anything?" asked Grissom.

"Cell phone numbers only," he said.

"Our first lead," said Brass.

Nick looked at Brass and then Grissom.

Grissom smiled. "It lists his number. Now, we just get his cell phone records and…"

"Whoa…I've missed something. We don't know who those numbers belong to," said Nick.

"Nick, Grissom and I are going to fill you in on some details," said Brass. "Details for your ears and eyes only. Understand?"

Nick nodded.

They stood there huddled outside as Grissom relayed his plan.

Nick and Brass listened intently.

"This reverse evidence didn't go well last time," said Nick. "Keppler was killed."

"I'll be wired," said Grissom. "You and Brass will be my safety net."

"I don't like this," said Nick. "Sara is going to be pissed. Why not let me be the bait?"

"He's only going to deal with someone like me…someone he knows would never bluff…never confront someone without substantial evidence," whispered Grissom.

"He's right," whispered Brass. "I mean, can you see Grissom doing anything contrary to what the evidence says?"

"I'm in," whispered Nick. "Just make sure Sara doesn't hate me for this."

"She'll be pissed," chuckled Brass. "She'll be mostly pissed at Grissom so I think you and I will be safe."

They stepped back inside as Catherine walked down the hall.

"Where is everybody?" asked Catherine.

"Get Greg and go over assignments," said Grissom. "I'll meet you two in a few minutes."

Grissom stepped into his office and shut the door. He turned and found her fast asleep.

He sat down on the edge of the couch and stroked her hair.

She stretched. "Hey," she said softly.

"Hey," he smiled. "I'm sorry I have to wake you."

"What time is it?" she asked as she sat up.

"Time for you to go home," he said.

"Why?" she asked. "I'm rested. I just need a quick shower and a change of clothes and I'm good."

"Hank also needs to be taken out," he said. "Go home and shower. Change clothes. Take your vitamins."

"Any other orders?" she asked.

"I love you Sara…don't ever forget that," he whispered.

He seemed odd.

Her hand grasped his as he started to get up.

"Gil? Is something wrong?" she asked.

"We may have a lead," he whispered.

"That's great…isn't it?" she whispered.

"Yes, it is. Now, go," he said as he got up and disappeared.

Grissom hurried down the hall and met up with Nick and Brass.

"I've sent Sara home. She won't be back here for another hour," he said. "We need to act now."

"I've got everything we need," said Nick.

"Good, let's go," said Brass.

Grissom cursed when they drove up to the diner but McKeen was nowhere to be seen.

"His car was spotted here just a few minutes ago," said Brass on the phone.

"I'll call him," said Grissom. "Set up a meeting."

"So much for the act of surprise," muttered Brass.

Grissom hung up as he dialed the undersheriff.

"Mckeen."

"I need to talk with you," said Grissom.

"What a surprise, I need to talk with you too," said McKeen as he sat in his vehicle.

"The diner," said Grissom.

"I've got a better idea. Your place since I'm already there," smiled McKeen.

Grissom cursed as he whirled the vehicle around.

Brass and Nick followed in the van.

"I'm not at home," said Grissom.

Sara drank the juice while she watched Hank in the back yard. She smiled when she heard a car outside.

_He's home…_

She opened the door and was surprised when she came face to face with undersheriff Jeffrey McKeen.

He stood there and smiled as he talked in his phone. "Yes, I know but Sara will keep me company," said McKeen.

Note from author:

One last chapter...leave a review...

Take care,

Penny


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter Thirty Five:**

"Hi Sara," said undersheriff McKeen as he closed his phone and put it away.

"Gil's not…"

"Mind if I come in?" he asked.

Her phone rang. "Just a minute," she said.

"Sara, don't trust Mc Keen. Call Hank," said Grissom. "Have Hank sit with you until I get there. I'll be there in five minutes."

"Okay," she said.

"Just remember, Hank was your idea," she said as she closed the phone.

"Hank," called Sara.

"Who's…"

McKeen looked down at the dog.

"You have a dog?" he asked.

"Yes, a retired attack dog," she said. "He got too aggressive in his job."

McKeen stepped back.

Hank sat down at Sara's side.

Sara's phone rang.

"Sara."

"Is Hank with you?" asked Grissom.

"Yes."

"I want you to excuse yourself as soon as I get there. Tell him you have to walk Hank. Understand?"

"Yes."

"Nick and Brass will fill you in when you get out here."

Sara closed her phone as she leaned over and grabbed the leash.

McKeen turned around when he heard the door open.

He saw Grissom standing there.

"Don't forget it's your turn tonight to walk the dog," she called as she stepped out and disappeared with the leash.

"Surprised to see you at my home," said Grissom "But then I guessed you would have heard that we have a lead."

"I wasn't sure how secure the office is these days," said McKeen.

"It will soon be quite secure," said Grissom.

"So, what did you find?" he asked.

"Enough to get you the death penalty," said Grissom without blinking.

"You're kidding? Right?" asked McKeen.

"The evidence doesn't lie. I know you're behind it," said Grissom.

"Look, Gil. You've obviously been pulling too many doubles," said McKeen as he placed his hands on his hips.

"You go for your weapon and I'll have to do the same," said Grissom.

McKeen put his hands in the air. "Okay, let's lay our cards out on the table. You know Gedda was scum. He's avoided prosecution for years."

"Because of people like you," said Grissom.

"I got rid of him," said McKeen.

"You tried to frame Warrick and when that didn't work, you killed him," said Grissom.

"I tried to talk with Warrick. He wasn't going to let this go," said McKeen. "I didn't want to kill him but I had no choice."

"Self preservation," said Grissom.

"Look, we can come to an agreement here. I can get you promoted to any position…need money? Name it," said McKeen.

"No thanks," said Grissom.

"You arrest me and I'll make sure that Sara disappears…this time she won't be so lucky," he said.

Grissom's jaw twitched.

"Come on, Gil. Don't make this turn out ugly. There are guys that I know who get a rush slowly torturing women like Sara. How about it?"

Grissom said nothing as the undersheriff walked across the room.

"Who else knows?" asked McKeen.

"No one," said Grissom. "I trusted no one else."

"Good," said McKeen.

He smiled as he reached for his gun but Grissom did the same.

Nick grabbed Sara by the arm as he led her to the van. He opened the side door as Brass sat there listening to the conversation.

"What is going on?" she asked.

Gunfire exploded as Brass leaped out of the van.

"Stay back!" Brass yelled as he drew his weapon but Sara followed the two men.

Brass cautiously opened the door.

"Oh Jesus!" yelled Brass. "Officer down at…"

Sara stepped into the room and froze.

Both men lay on the floor.

Sara rushed down to the floor and grabbed Grissom into her arms.

She pressed her hands over his chest in an attempt to stop the bleeding.

Nick appeared with a towel and she pressed it against the wound.

"Stay with me Griss," she cried.

He coughed bringing up blood.

"Don't you do this! Don't you leave me," she yelled. "You hear me. God Gil, please don't leave me!"

"Love you," he whispered. "Nine years…not two."

"I love you," she whispered as she kissed his lips ignoring the blood.

"Nine…not two," he said.

"Don't talk," she said. "Jim? Help him!"

"Ambulance is on its way," he said.

"Nine…not two," he whispered again.

"Nine…not two," she said. "Hold onto me! Feel my hand. I'm not letting you go! I'm not letting you…Gil, please…please…please don't let go… don't let go."

She sobbed as his body went limp in her arms. She held onto him tight as they heard the ambulance in the far distance.

Nick cursed as Brass shook his head over and over while Sara held him tight.

"He's not gone….his hands are warm…so warm…wouldn't leave me…" she cried as Nick swiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"There's was no pulse," whispered Brass.

Note from author:

Now, I was going to release the epilogue separately but I knew we had all been through enough with the season nine promos so I included it.

**Epilogue:**

She stood there as tears streamed down her face.

She did not bother to hide them.

They had started during the funeral and remained as she stood there in front of the casket.

William held her hand tight.

"His hands were so warm as I held them," she whispered. "I stared into those blue eyes as he died in my arms."

"Sara, there was no other person he wanted to be with at that moment," said William.

"Like Warrick…Gil held him as he died," she said.

"It was time to let go," said William. "It was the right thing to do."

She nodded slowly.

William led her past the others as they made their way to the car.

He drove back.

"Tired?" he asked.

She said nothing as she looked out the window.

"Remember, if you need to talk I'm here anytime," he said.

She caressed the small bulge that tossed from side to side.

"No more talking," she said.

She stepped out of the car and quickly ran inside the house leaving him to follow.

She did not stop until she was there in the bed beside him.

"You okay?" whispered Grissom.

"Missed you," she gulped.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't come with you," he said.

"How are you?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he said. "The fever is gone. They haven't let me up since you left."

"Good," she said as she curled up next to him.

There was a tap at the door.

"Sorry to intrude kids but I thought I would take the others into town to that nice seafood place and leave you guys alone," said William.

"That would be nice," said Grissom. "I don't think we've been alone in a long time."

Sara said nothing as she lay there.

"Sara, you mind getting the others while I have a word with Grissom?" asked William.

"You just want to tell him how I did at the funeral because he asked you to," said Sara.

"So do you mind? I'm hungry and would like to get to the restaurant," said William.

She reluctantly got up and walked past William. "You have ordered delivery for us?" she asked.

"Of course. In fact, Grissom suggested it and Greg placed the order a few minutes ago so can you hurry up?" asked William.

She half smiled as she left.

"How is she?" asked Grissom.

"It was hard on her but she was glad that she was with Frank when he died. They had gotten close over the last several weeks while you've been recovering," said William.

"I wish I could have been with her," said Grissom. "I'd grown fond of the old man also. He spent a lot of time here with us."

"Not with the fever and the threat of another infection," warned William. "Tell me how are you doing?"

"It wasn't a setback," said Grissom. "It scared Sara though. She hasn't been able to sleep."

"She's been scared ever since you died," said William.

"I didn't die," said Grissom.

"You died in her arms," said William. "Nick and Brass had to pry your hand from hers so the medics could shock you."

He didn't remember anything except their conversation.

"Listen, it's going to take time for her to feel safe again. She's worried you're going to leave her."

"I'm glad the others could come for a few days. It will help having them here. She's missed them," said Grissom.

"Have you told her yet?" asked William.

"No, I haven't," said Grissom.

"Told the others?" asked William.

"No."

"Boy, you really do procrastinate," said William.

Brass stepped inside. "The guys are finishing up a sand castle with Lindsey and Catherine."

"Where's Sara?" asked Grissom.

"She's making fun of their moat," said Brass. "Greg has threatened to throw her into the ocean."

Grissom chuckled.

"Listen, did you ask him if he's told Sara yet?" asked Brass.

"What do you think?" asked William.

"I told you he proscrastinates," said Brass.

"I'm not finished talking with you about the shooting," said William to Grissom.

Grissom flinched.

Brass had already taken a chunk out of his hide on that one.

It was a risk he took without hesitation.

He knew McKeen would carry through with his threat.

He also know McKeen was not that great a shot or at least he hadn't been in the past.

It almost cost him his life.

He knew he had almost died.

He also knew he had shot McKeen straight through the heart and smiled when he saw the man drop.

He never cared for violence but he did care for justice.

Warrick received his.

Sara ran inside. She was dripping wet. "Some people have no respect for…pregnant women!"

"What happened to you?" asked Grissom.

"Nick and Greg…threw a bucket of water on me!"

Grissom chuckled. "No getting back into bed until you've showered."

She frowned as she disappeared into the bathroom.

"Tell her," said William. "Brass and I will tell the others."

She stepped out of the bathroom and found the beach house quiet.

"They're gone?" she asked.

"Yes," he said. "It's just the two of us."

She smiled.

She curled up beside him.

"Are you sure you're better?" she asked.

He rolled over. "No fever."

She sighed.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?"

"I won the bet," he whispered. "You agreed it was nine rather than two."

"What?" she asked.

"You said it was nine…not two."

"You'd been shot! You were not supposed to be talking. I would have admitted anything!"

"You said nine…not two."

She tried to remain calm. "Fine, it was nine…not two."

"Sara?"

"What?"

"I'm calling in the bet," he said.

"The bet?" she asked. "That's crazy. You're in no condition…"

He leaned over and kissed her.

She moaned. "Stop this Gil."

"A deal is a deal," he whispered.

"Later…when you're better," she said.

"I'm good. I'm better than good. I want my wife," he whispered.

"No."

"Not fair Sara. You agreed. A deal is a deal," he said as he rolled over on top of her holding his weight from her.

"We're not doing this," she said.

His hands caught her wrists and she found herself pinned.

"I'm not going to die Sara," he whispered.

She gulped. "You did," she whispered. "You let go even though I held your hand. You let go!"

"I never left you," he said. "You kept me grounded."

"I watched as you flatlined and then…"

"I'm here. I'm not dead."

"You uhm were. I was never so scared…never so…"

He caressed her cheek with his hand. "I want you to yell at me."

"No."

"Sara, you've held it back for weeks," he said. "Let go."

"No!"

"It's just you and me. I gambled…I used reverse forensics…we didn't have anything on him…I was going to corner him…he came to you instead…I got him to admit he had killed Warrick. I let him pull his gun first…I let him shoot…"

"You stupid bastard! He could have killed you! He almost did!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

Grissom smiled.

He was hit full force with a pillow.

"That's it?" he asked. "I get shot just millimeters from my heart and that's all you are going to say?"

"You died! I held you while you died! You stupid son of a bitch! I almost lost you! Our son was almost fatherless!"

He smiled again.

Another pillow flew through the air.

"I spent weeks in intensive care with infection after infection…I almost died," he said.

"You almost died again!" she yelled.

"I guess I did," he said sitting on the side of the bed.

"Do you have any idea what you put me through?" she asked.

"Yes, I do."

Their eyes locked.

"Sara, I know you're scared but I'm not going to die," he said.

"You stupid…" she slung the pillow and he moaned.

"I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? I'm sorry Gil," she said suddenly.

"I had William get the others out of the house so we could spend some time alone," he said. "It's been a long time since we've…"

"It's going to be a long time before we…"

He pulled her into an embrace and kissed her forcibly despite the pain he felt in his shoulder.

"Still tender?" she whispered.

"Yes…but I don't need my shoulder for… Sara please….if I were a dying man…wouldn't you grant me my last wish?" he teased.

She pushed him away.

"Not funny!" she cried.

He looked at her suddenly.

"I'm sorry Sara. I didn't mean to make you cry…please don't. We don't have to do anything. I'll just hold you," he said.

She pulled herself off the bed.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Changing for bed," she said.

He muttered. "Not the pajamas!"

He knew it would be those damn pajamas, the ones that meant hands off.

She stepped out of the bathroom and he stared at her.

"Purple?" he asked. "Purple gown?"

"You figure it out," she said with a slight grin.

He was not prepared for her to make the first move.

It knocked him off his feet.

He groaned in pleasure as her hands roamed down his waist.

"Am I going to like purple?" he asked.

"Yeah…you are," she whispered she kissed him below his navel.

He groaned again.

"Gil?"

"Hmmm?"

"When were you going to tell me that you're not going back to the lab?"

His head shot up.

"How did you know?" he asked.

"The university called the other day."

"About that," he said.

"I'm glad," she said as she kissed him on the lips.

"You don't mind being married to a professor?" he asked.

"No," she said. "I've always had a thing for instructors…especially those with blue eyes and warm hands."

He grinned as he leaned back.

"I think you look beautiful in purple."

THE END.

Now, I hadn't planned to make Sara pregnant because she and Grissom end up with Eli. I think that is the way the story will play out on TV. If it does, I can live with that. Keep happy thoughts of GSR. Thanks to those of you who are faithful readers and reviewers.

Take care,

Penny

P.S.

I didn't even have to name the child….LOL. (But if I did…you probably know what I would have named him…)


End file.
